Sid Finch - The Little Book of Dirty Jokes

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF RUDE WORDS

First published in 2009 as Really Rude Words
Reprinted in 2011

This revised and updated edition copyright Summersdale Publishers Ltd, 2016

Research by Stewart Ferris and Anna Martin

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced by any means, nor transmitted, nor translated into a machine language, without the written permission of the publishers.

Condition of Sale

This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

Summersdale Publishers Ltd
46 West Street
Chichester
West Sussex
PO19 1RP
UK

www.summersdale.com

eISBN: 978-1-78372-856-5

Substantial discounts on bulk quantities of Summersdale books are available to corporations, professional associations and other organisations. For details contact Nicky Douglas by telephone: +44 (0) 1243 756902, fax: +44 (0) 1243 786300 or email: .

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

We all know the F-word and the C-word, but it's time to get inventive. Within the sweaty confines of this dirty little book you will find an inspirational and, dare we say it, educational collection of offensive terms with examples of how you can integrate such gems as arse fuck, clunge and schlong into everyday discourse.

From the rude and the crude to the downright filthy, there's nothing quite like throwing in a well-placed profanity to raise the conversational bar. Whether you're slightly hacked off with your partner ('You're such a flange!') or you're driving the point home in an important board meeting ('Time to blue ball the big man!'), everybody is doing it, so don't be a dickwad get on the bandwagon!

RUDE
WORDS:
AN A-Z

ARSE

Definition:

An area of the body which is sat on, shat through and groped during slow dances, often all in the same evening.

Usage:

'Arse!' generally applicable at times of disappointment, such as when your new lover expresses a keen interest in celibacy.

'My arse!' someone proudly posting their belfie (bum selfie).

'Does my arse look big in this?' to which the answer is, 'Yes it does.'

ARSE FUCK

Definition:

To fuck someone up the arse; in reference to someone so minging that you would rather be shafted up the rear than look at their hideous gnome-like phizog.

Usage:

'Get behind me, arse fuck' your hideous form is making my corneas burn, so please kindly move to the back of the bus.

'You don't have to be such an arse fuck' you don't have to be ugly; plastic surgery is quite cheap these days so get yourself a face transplant.

'That was a complete arse fuck' you gave me a very thorough rogering up my back passage, for which I thank you.

ARSE FUDGE

Definition:

A slightly more parent-friendly version of arse fuck; to make a hash of something; a bottom excretion, i.e. poo.

Usage:

'It's arse fudge!' you've done a shoddy job.

'It's arse fudge!' - I do believe that you've just shat your pants *points to brown stain on clothing*

'Arse fudge for all the family!' - one of Willy Wonka's less popular confectionery lines.

ARSEHOLE

Definition:

Someone who demonstrates mental deficiency by pulling out in front of you in their car, spilling your drink in the pub or talking loudly on their phone.

Usage:

'You're a complete arsehole' useful phrase for a plastic surgeon upon completion of anal reconstructive surgery.

'Don't be an arsehole all your life' try voting for a different party once in a while.

'This place is the arsehole of the earth' useful phrase if you're in [insert place of choice here].

"Balls"

Definition:

Those of which Hitler had only one; squidgy things that tennis players hit during romp sessions.

Usage:

'New balls, please' Wimbledon umpire after prolonged sex.

'Suck my balls' a suggestion to someone who is dentally challenged when presented with a plate of meatballs.

'What a load of balls' remark made by a visitor to a tennis-ball factory.

BEAVER

Definition:

Moist, furry mammal found in damp, dark places; to work very hard with the intention of gaining access to a moist, furry mammal; a woman's genitalia.

Usage:

'What a fine beaver' what a fine moist, furry mammal.

'Can I stroke your beaver?' be careful that it doesn't bite off your fingers.

'Beaver away' probably downstream somewhere and working very hard.

BEEF CURTAINS

Definition:

Meaty entrance to a lady's front bottom; hanging device to keep sunlight out of an abattoir.

Usage:

'Pull back those beef curtains so I can see if it's damp outside' phrase used by a butcher at work.

'Pull back those beef curtains so I can see if it's damp inside' phrase used by a butcher at home.

'Your beef curtains look like a double cheeseburger. Yum' what you should never say to your lover.

BLUE BALL

Definition:

When a man is very aroused but is unable to relieve himself; a massive build-up of expectation and excitement, but not getting what you want in the end like Christmas; a blue ball.

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