Lisa Beth Johnson - Mom Jokes : Like Dad Jokes, Only Smarter

Q: Whats the quickest way to spread gossip?

A: Post it online, call your neighbor, or tell a toddler who has just learned to talk.

My eight-year-old son would make a great parole officer someday. He never lets anyone finish a sentence.

@ChandraBlumberg

One day youre young and vibrant, then you wake up and suddenly you have a favorite spatula.

Moms favorite word: Yes.

Moms two favorite words: Youre right.

Moms three favorite words: Love you, Mommy.

Moms four favorite words: I did it myself.

Moms five favorite words: I wanna take a nap.

Moms least favorite word: No.

Moms least two favorite words: Watch me.

Moms three least favorite words: I want that!

Moms four least favorite words: But Im not tiiiiiiiiired.

Moms five least favorite words: MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM.

I learned to cook from my mother I made a point of watching everything she did, so I could do everything the opposite way.

If my daughter complains too much, I make her sit in her room for an hour listening to her super-realistic crying baby.

@not_thenanny

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee, so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy thats in my pocket.

Follow me for more parenting hacks.

When my daughter didnt accept my friend request, it hurt my feelings. But then my mom friend-requested me, and I suddenly understood.

Im putting my son through school single-handedly. Well, I shoved him through the doorway while holding a toddler, but its a start.

Being a mom means your kids never expecting to hear Im sorry.

@Marlebean

Mom

Mom

Mommy

Mom

Ma

MOM

MOMMY

MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMYMOMMMMMMMMMMY

What are you eating?

Xanax.

Five-year-old son: I love you so much, Id cry every day if I had a different mom.

Mom: Then whats your excuse for the last four years?

@domesticgoddss

Ever notice in the story of the 3 bears, Papa Bears porridge is piping hot, babys is perfect, & poor Mama Bears is cold?

I get it now.

Sometimes I cant believe that I already have a sixteen-year-old daughter. Then I remember shes only twelve but wearing a push-up bra.

Its important to offer your kids a lot of choices for dinner, such as eat what I give you, or dont, or go to your room, or eat what I give you.

My husband is a stay-at-home dad. I take the kids to schoolhe stays at home. I pick them up and take them to soccer practicehe stays at home.

I let my six-year-old daughter paint my toenails and it definitely looks like she thinks I have hooves instead of feet.

When I tucked him in tonight, my kid asked me if I was happy. I told him I was on cloud wine.

Life is better with kids. Both are better with wine.

Steps to Getting Your Kid to Brush Their Teeth

1. See if the brush is wet.
2. Smell their breath.
3. Get them an electric toothbrush with their favorite cartoon character on it to make brushing more fun.
4. Buy a decoy toothbrush with a camera in it and retire to your secret lair to wait and see if brushing takes place.
5. Once their teeth fall out from not brushing, make a necklace for them to wear for the rest of their lives.

If you asked me if Id rather be rich, famous, or a good mom, Id say two of those three would be nice. After all, itd be no fun to be poor and famous.

No week is a good week for your four-year-old to learn knock-knock jokes.

@Lurkathomemom

*Mary Poppins voice*

Ok, children! Time to go!

[15 min later]

*Batman voice*

I said lets go.

None of my children will ever appreciate how much time Ive spent planning every moment of their lives.

Renting a bounce house for my kids birthday is pretty expensive, but can you really put a price on the happiness I feel being left alone?

Now that Im a mother myself, Ive realized my mom is my hero. And you know what they say: never meet your heroes.

Youre a lot more chill and laid-back when youre an older mom. For instance, I just let my son run in a circle for two hours because I couldnt chase him anymore.

They say being nice to other peoples kids wont kill youbut honestly, Id rather not risk it.

@patricksara

A baby shower game requested everyone write parenting advice on a notecard, so I wrote down my favorite margarita recipe.

I love being a single mom and putting a positive spin on everything that sucks!

The most magical day of my life was when I became a mother. A close second is the day I became a mother whose kid moved out of her house.

A Poem to My Son

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Sugar is sweet

And so are

you know not to do that

at the dinner table!