Tom Segura - Id Like to Play Alone, Please: Essays

Hello, I answered my phone.

Heyyyy, buddy! Its my fathers familiar greeting. Since I was a child, Ive been buddy to him. His pitch goes up, the way your voice does when you greet a little kid. He almost always sounds like he cant believe I answered. I cant talk right now, he continued.

You called me.

Nothing is as equally frustrating and recognizable as my dads absolutely insane social skills. The way he navigates phone calls and conversations in general, I have no idea how he operates in the world, never mind how he once held down a high-level corporate job.

Where was he going with this?

Ill call you back. Silence.

Did that exchange seem odd to you? Well, it seems on par for me. Normal, even, if you know my dad. Ret. Marine Corps Capt. Thomas N. Segura. We have different middle names, so Im not a juniorsomething hes pointed out to me, his own son, no less than four thousand times. Almost everyone who has spent any significant time with my father has a similar story about him: We were in the middle of a conversation and then he just walked away. Keep in mind that he doesnt excuse himself. Theres no Ill be right back. My dad will just walk away from what you would perceive as a hang, or hell hang up the phone during a conversation by injecting a simple Okay, I gotta go. The phone part he usually does once hes done talking and now you are the one sharing something with him, like a thought, a concern, or a story. I wish there were an easy explanation for this, like a developmental or behavioral issue. It isnt either of those things. He knows that we all share virtually the same experience with him.

I get bored and I dont waste my time once I feel that way. Oh, so were boring you? Wonderful.

One spring break during college, I brought my roommates down to Florida, where my parents live, to stay for a few days. One evening, Casey, my 4.0 GPA, super polite, thoughtful roommate, came over to me wide-eyed.

Hey, man. I dont know what I did, but I think I offended your dad.

Whatd you say?

Well, thats just it. I dont know. I was talking to him and then he just walked away. Hes in another room now. I reassured Casey that what he had experienced was normal for my dad. When I went to chastise my father, who was by then watching television, he barely registered it. Oh, well, I was done talking. Watching this now.

At my cousins recent wedding, a former neighbor who only knew me as a small child told me that at the reception my father did the same to him, only the neighbor laughed. He hasnt changed one bit! After all these years I can say that I almost admire the way he disengages once the conversation doesnt serve his interests, but I dont. I still get upset, actually. I sometimes let it slide, but every now and then I feel like I have to call him out. To be clear, it still has absolutely zero effect on him when I do. Whats even more, he likes to say that hes gotten much better about that. He hasnt. And it doesnt take much to convince him of that either.

You really havent gotten better.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Im wondering if I have cancellation insurance on the cruise in October.

What?

See? He just doesnt stay in the momentunless it involves his ass.

When my dad isnt walking away from you because hes bored or hanging up the phone because hes not interested in what you have to say, then he is probably going on about something in his digestive tract. Most, and I do mean most, of my dads phone calls and conversations in person and on the phone are about shitting, farting, wiping, or wishing he was doing one of those things. Countless times I have answered my phone and my father starts describing a bowel moment in complete sincerity and without saying hello.

Me: Hello.

My dad: Ya ever get some shit on your hand and then you have to reach back and wipe with the hand you dont normally wipe with? I had one of those today. I gotta get this call. Talk to you later.

This is not a joke to him. To him, bowel movements are not simply a joy, they are criminally underappreciated by the masses, and he has taken it upon himself to spread the good word. He has named himself the head publicist of this cause, and he wants you to listen. If youre not a believer now, please just spend a few minutes listening to my fathers convincing pleas. Its something we all do, but no one wants to talk about it! is a favorite expression of his. He is making up for literally everyone who doesnt want to talk about the seven different fart smells he recognizes from himself. Each smell, he says, tells him what will happen next. And its knowing