Tom Corr - The 2,320 Funniest Quotes: The Most Hilarious Quips and One-Liners from allgreatquotes.com

Concept and Compilation 2011 Tom Corr. Design 2011 Ulysses Press and its licensors. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher. Published in the United States by ULYSSES PRESS P.O. Box 3440 Berkeley, CA 94703 www.ulyssespress.com ISBN: 978-1-56975-994-3 Library of Congress Catalog Number 2011926013 Acquisitions Editor: Kelly Reed Managing Editor: Claire Chun Editor: Sayre Van Young Proofreaders: Lauren Harrison, Lee Micheaux Production: Judith Metzener Front cover design: 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Lionel Barrymore Hollywood is where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors. Walter Winchell There are only three ages for women in HollywoodBabe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy. Goldie Hawn, in The First Wives Club Hollywood is a place where theyll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul. Marilyn Monroe There are five stages in the life of an actor: Whos Mary Astor? Get me Mary Astor. Get me a Mary Astor Type. Get me a young Mary Astor.

Whos Mary Astor? Mary Astor Show business is dog-eat-dog. Its worse than dog-eat-dog, its-dog-doesnt-return-other-dogs-phone-calls. Woody Allen, Crimes and Misdemeanors I love acting. It is so much more real than life. Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray Were actorswere the opposite of people. Tom Stoppard,
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead Acting is all about honesty.

If you can fake that, youve got it made. George Burns Im not a real movie star. Ive still got the same wife I started out with 28 years ago. Will Rogers In Westerns, you were permitted to kiss your horse but never your girl. Gary Cooper In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. Groucho Marx In Hollywood now when people die they dont say, Did he leave a will? but Did he leave a diary? Liza Minnelli An actors a guy who, if you aint talking about him, aint listening.

Marlon Brando When youre called a character actress its because you are too ugly to be called a leading lady. Kathy Burke Were overpaying him, but hes worth it. Samuel Goldwyn You dont need to retire as an actor, there are all those parts you can play lying in bed, or in a wheelchair. Judi Dench Show me a great actor and Ill show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and youve seen the devil. C. C.

Fields We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. Groucho Marx People tell me that the movies should be more like real life. I disagree. It is real life that should be more like the movies. Walter Winchell Hollywood is the only place where you can wake up in the morning and hear the birds coughing in the trees.

Joe Frisco Hollywood is an asylum run by the inmates. Laurence Stallings People find out Im an actress and I see that whore look flicker across their eyes. Rachel Weisz When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror. Burt Reynolds The reason why so many people showed up at his [Louis B. Mayers] funeral was because they wanted to make sure he was dead. Samuel Goldwyn Giving your book to Hollywood is like turning your daughter over to a pimp.

Tom Clancy Never let that son of a bitch in the studio againuntil we need him. Samuel Goldwyn Working in Hollywood does give one a certain expertise in the field of prostitution. Jane Fonda Hollywood is a trip through a sewer in a glass-bottomed boat. Wilson Mizner The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast. Oscar Wilde, Lord Arthur Saviles Crime If I made Cinderella, the audience would immediately be looking for a body in the coach. Alfred Hitchcock After The Wizard of Oz I was typecast as a lion, and there arent all that many parts for lions.

Bert Lahr I dont want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. Samuel Goldwyn

Woody Allen Life begins at 40but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person three or four times. Helen Rowland Old age isnt so bad when you consider the alternative. Maurice Chevalier Old age is no place for sissies. Bette Davis [among many others, including
H. L. Mencken and Art Linkletter] People ask me what Id most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday.

I tell them: a paternity suit. George Burns Theres one more terrifying fact about old people: Im going to be one soon. P. J. ORourke You can live to be a 100 if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a 100. Woody Allen Im 74 years old and even though I may be a bit of a rascal 33 girls in two months seems to me too much even for a 30-year-old.

Silvio Berlusconi, Italian prime minister, on vice allegations The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything. Oscar Wilde The hardest years in life are those between 10 and 70. Helen Hayes, at 73 The three ages of man: youth, middle age, and my word you do look well. June Whitfield Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once youre aboard, theres nothing you can do about it. Golda Meir You want to look younger? Rent smaller children.

Phyllis Diller Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained 35 for years. Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest At 20 years of age, the will reigns; at 30, the wit; and at 40, the judgment. Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richards Almanack Youth is something very new: 20 years ago no one mentioned it. Coco Chanel To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am. Bernard Baruch Allow me to put the record straight.

I am 46 and have been for some years past. Erica Jong Youth is a disease from which we all recover. Dorothy Fuldheim At my age, flowers scare me. George Burns I dont know how you feel about old age, but in my case I didnt see it coming. It hit me in the rear. Phyllis Diller Youre never too old to become younger.

Mae West One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age. A woman who would tell one that, would tell one anything. Oscar Wilde, A Woman of No Importance There are no old people nowadays; they are either wonderful for their age or dead. Mary Pettibone Poole It is sad to grow old but nice to ripen. Brigitte Bardot I dont feel oldI dont feel anything until noon. Then its time for my nap.

Bob Hope You know youre old if they have discontinued your blood type. Phyllis Diller I still think of myself as I was 25 years ago. Then I look in a mirror and see an old bastard and realize its me. Dave Allen Youth, which is forgiven everything, forgives itself nothing; age, which forgives itself everything, is forgiven nothing. George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman As I grow older and older And totter toward the tomb I find that I care less and less Who goes to bed with whom. Dorothy L.

Sayers When the age is in, the wit is out. William Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing My mother always used to say, The older you get, the better you get, unless youre a banana. Betty White as Rose Nylund, on The Golden Girls Age to women is like Kryptonite to Superman. Kathy Lette Im at that age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill. George Burns No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age.