Samantha Burns - Breaking Up and Bouncing Back: Moving On to Create the Love Life You Deserve

Copyright

Copyright 2018 by Samantha Burns

All rights reserved.

Bibliographical Note

Breaking Up & Bouncing Back: Moving On to Create the Love Life You Deserve is a new work, first published by Ixia Press in 2018.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Burns, Samantha, author.

Title: Breaking up and bouncing back : moving on to create the love life you deserve / Samantha Burns.

Description: Mineola, New York : Ixia Press, 2018.

Identifiers: LCCN 2018003214| ISBN 9780486823959 | ISBN 0486823954

Subjects: LCSH: Separation (Psychology) | Man-woman relationships. | Interpersonal relations. | Dating (Social customs)

Classification: LCC BF575.G7 B86 2018 | DDC 646.7/7dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018003214

Ixia Press

An imprint of Dover Publications, Inc.

Manufactured in the United States by LSC Communications

82395401 2018

www.doverpublications.com/ixiapress

For Darren, my ideal match.

For my parents, for providing unconditional love and support.

For my best friends, who visited, called, and gave me belonging when I felt lost.

For my heartbreak, without which I never would have known how strong I am, or been challenged to step up and create the love life I deserved.

CONTENTS

PREFACE

My Big Breakup

I was in zombie mode. I sat propped up in bed, somewhere between dozing off and delusional. My body ached and for days I had no appetite. As I took shallow breaths, I felt like I was physically dying, but the only thing that was hurt was my heart. In fact, it was brokenshattered into a million pieces.

Four-and-a-half years of hope, commitment, love, effort, and financial investment squandered after the BS statement, Its just not right. Excuse me? This was not the plan. We were supposed to be moving to California together, but I was resolved not to move across the country again without a ring on my finger. Yet, this was no surprise; wed talked about the idea of getting engaged for well over a year. Memories raced through my mind: falling in love, transferring out of a doctoral program to be closer to him, moving from sunny Florida to blizzardy Boston, camping, hiking, vacations, silly Halloween costumes, cooking crepes, sticking by his side when he hated his job and was miserable, deceptive conversations about a future together. I felt rejected, abandoned, and completely alone.

The situation was so unfair. I had nothing to show for the effort I put into the relationship, besides a broken heart and shared furniture that I now needed to sell on Craigslist. I thought no one else in the world knew the pain I was going through. Typically strong, confident, and secure, I felt weak, rejected, and not good enough. While all my friends were progressing with their significant others, I was filled with dread and resentment that I had to start over. Woe is me, right? Yes, I recognized that it could be much worse, but in those dark days, I was stuck and in pain. Questions swirled through my mind, obsessing about why we broke up, how I could win him back, and why love wasnt enough. I had many nights of barely sleeping, I lost weight, it was difficult to function at work, and I randomly burst into tears multiple times a day. My shock, then denial, spiraled into devastation and depression. The intense anger came later.

We made the difficult decision to live together and remain in an emotional and physical relationship until he moved to California three months later. I know what youre thinkingyes, it was torture! But I wasnt ready to find a new apartment and move out knowing he still lived nearby. Our lives were tangled and enmeshed. Worst of all, in some twisted way, I thought maybe if I had three more months I could convince him he was making a terrible mistake. Maybe if I seduced him after work, baked lasagna, and went camping in the rain, somehow Id be the perfect girlfriend and hed realize that he couldnt live without me. Where was my awareness that if he didnt think I was The One after four years of dating, three months wouldnt make a difference? I was so blinded by love and fear of failure that I couldnt see reality.

He said he still loved me, but just didnt think it was right. The best reason he could come up with was that I wasnt outdoorsy enough, despite my willing and positive participation in hiking and camping trips. Hell, I was the best smores roaster in all of New England! He couldnt clearly communicate why he ended the relationship, and I ruminated on his motivation for months, which made it harder to move on. I wanted an articulate and rational explanation. I deserved worthy reasons! I learned that love does not conquer all without both partners equally invested.

During our last three months together (I call this a hanging-on hookup, which youll read about later), I was constantly stressed and sad. At one point, I printed out forty-four pictures of us from different events and dates and hung them up the entire staircase, hoping to tug on his heartstrings. I mailed a card to his office that listed the top ten outdoor activities to do in San Diego, saying, I want to do these with you. Now, I cringe thinking about these desperate measures. Ultimately, you should not have to convince, beg, or threaten someone to be with you.

I relied heavily on my parents, calling them almost every day in tears. I called all of my closest friends, giving them the play-by-play and keeping them updated about the breakup and whether there was a chance of us getting back together. I hung onto every word, every detail that my ex provided. I found myself talking in circles, sharing the same thoughts and feelings over and over again. I exhausted myself, and worried that I exhausted my support network. At one point during a phone call with my mother, she yelled, He doesnt love you anymore! Ouch, right? I needed to hear it, but the pathetic thing was this only helped for a few minutes until I began ruminating again about why we couldnt make it work. I feared that I was becoming a burden to those closest to me, so I tried to keep it to myself as much as I could. The breakup had taken over my life and consumed me. I felt shame and embarrassment for not getting over it faster.

When my ex and I finally parted, I drove home to Pennsylvania to spend a long weekend with my parents. I needed the support, familiarity, and comfort that came with being at home. When I headed back to Boston, my brother came up to help me move. I also asked two of my closest friends to visit the first weekend I spent in my new apartment so that I wasnt alone. I think the best thing that happened to me was finding two women to live with in an awesome apartment just outside of downtown Boston in a popular area with tons to do. One housemate was single and we instantly became close friends, doing activities together and bonding over online dating adventures. The other housemate was active and outdoorsy, so she became my new hiking buddy.