Wasser - It doesnt have to be that way: how to divorce without destroying your family or bankrupting yourself

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AUTHORS NOTE

This book is intended as a resource, and offers guidance and information for individuals going through the process of separation and divorce. Examples of typical (and sometimes rather unique) situations and solutions to common problems are included for illustrative purposes only. The names and characteristics of all clients and others mentioned in the book have been changed to protect their privacy and their identities.

If the reader needs advice concerning the evaluation or management of specific legal or financial concerns, including bankruptcy, estate, or tax matters, he or she should seek the help of a licensed, knowledgeable professional.

To my parents, Bunny and Dennis Wasser, who gave me roots and wings

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

Welcome to Divorce in the Twenty-first Century

I have been a practicing Family Law attorney for nearly two decades. I am also the daughter of one of the countrys preeminent divorce lawyers. You could say that Family Law runs in my family. Both the law and the practice have definitely evolved quite a bit since I was a kideven since I started practicing law. Some of the change has been for the better and some for the worse. But I think the time has come to share information about what should be a new approach to revising your relationshipwhether its a marriage, a registered domestic partnership, or cohabitation with or without children.

In the twenty-first century, people tend to couple up and have kids a bit later in life than they did a generation ago. Many people today are better communicators, better educated, and for the most part more litigation-savvy than their forebearsthanks to the proliferation of fender benders, landlord-tenant disputes, wrongful termination suits, and a rise in general litigiousness. We have also been more exposed to divorcealmost all of us have experienced it in some way, shape, or form. If your own parents remained happily married for the long haul, perhaps your partners did not. If both of you are the children of intact homes, it would be almost weird if no friends, friends parents, siblings, aunts, or uncles ever went through a breakup to which you were exposed, albeit tangentially. This experience, paired with the technological advances of the twenty-first century, has the average splitting couple poised to experience a far better breakup than couples of generations pastbasically, a breakup that promises healthier children, fuller bank accounts, and intact personal integrity.

Its All Good

It was the early 2000s. I was representing the bass player for an alternative rock bandIll call him Zackand we were on the phone going over the settlement offer sent to my office by Zacks wifes attorney. It was about 10:00 in the morning. As I presented my analysis of the first couple of terms, I heard on the other end of the line an unmistakable bubbling sound. Dude, I asked incredulously, are you taking a bong hit?

Silence. Heavy exhalation from the receivera long sigh ending in Yeahhhhh.

You cannot take a bong hit while you are on the phone with your divorce attorney, I said somewhat sternly.

Another long silence. Dude, he replied (it is either a blessing or a curse that I often still speak like a fourteen-year-old skate punk and am responded to in kind), is there a better time to take a bong hit than when on the phone with my divorce attorney?

I thought about this for a moment. It seemed a reasonable question.

I make good money doing a job I love, Zack went on. I have a couple of awesome kids, and even though she is being kind of a bitch right now, their mom is actually a pretty good mom. This isnt the greatest timehence the wake and bakebut its going to get better. Everyone is healthy, Ive got arms and legs, and I can play my bass. Its all good.

Now, I am in no way proposing that twenty-first-century divorce is best handled while stoned. But I did have to admire my clients Zen attitude toward the process. This is a lawsuit like no other you will ever go through. (At least one hopes so.) It is a legal and business transaction taking place in your familyright inside, precisely at the heart of it. Interestingly, the last time you went through a similar transaction was when you got married, but back then, you were likely thinking about what flavor cake to order, how your dress would fit, or exactly what would or would not be appropriate for the bachelor party. You were almost certainly not focused on the fact that you were about to enter into a legal contract with someone, nor were you pondering what the ramifications of that contract would be. Unless you had entered into a prenuptial agreement, the rights and responsibilities of getting married were likely not explained to you. Sure, you were clear about to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, but had you considered the extent to which the state would control how you would spend your money if you and your spouse were to separate in the future? Doubtful. They dont really put that out there when youre about to walk down the aisle to the strains of Pachelbels Canon in D.

It is certainly true that we are a more sophisticated generation than those before us when it comes to familiarity with divorce. Beyond the firsthand experience, we grew up with movies like Kramer vs. Kramer and Stepmom and with television shows like Whos the Boss? and My Two Dads . So we are aware that not all families look the same and that some marriages do not last forever. Nevertheless, if it were up to me, marrying couples would be required to take some kind of an entry-level course. But thats another book.

Marriage is a contract. Every relationship, in fact, is a deal. Each person expects something from the other in exchange for whatever each is bringing to the table. It can be as simple as the fact that one person is the provider and the other is the aesthetically pleasing subservient. Or, one half of the couple might be the fun one and the other the voice of reason. Generally, there is a list of things for which each party is responsible, so if and when the responsibility changes by virtue of time or circumstance, it means the contract terms have also changed, and that must be addressed. If the provider is no longer able to provide the unlimited credit card spending at Prada, Chanel, Gucci, and Herms, the aesthetically pleasing subservient may not be feeling as subservient as he or she was before, nor as eager to please. The deal has changed. Not every couple is able to adjust to that or to weather the storm. Love may not always conquer all.

A new deal must be negotiated. That can be in the context of the relationship or in the context of a breakup. Although your head should be clear and ready to address the issues that arise, developing my pot-smoking clients mentality might not be a bad idea. Its all good.

Generation Gap

Tap tap tap. It was my father, knocking on the door of my office. He is the founding partner of the law firm where I work, and he is my father, two titles that give him every right to come into my office, even when I am meeting with a client. But it was probably not beside the point that at the time, the client with whom I was meeting was a rising star among film actresses and drop-dead gorgeous to boot.