Stephen Whitehead - The Relationship Manifesto: How to Have the Perfect Relationship

Title Page

THE RELATIONSHIP MANIFESTO

How To Have The Perfect Relationship

Stephen M. Whitehead

Publisher Information

Published and distributed in 2012 by

Andrews UK Limited

www.andrewsuk.com

This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the publishers prior written consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published, and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

Copyright 2012 Stephen Whitehead

The right of Stephen Whitehead to be identified as author of this book has been asserted in accordance with section 77 and 78 of the Copyrights Designs and Patents Act 1988.

Dedication

For wives, lovers and friends

Acknowledgements

Special thanks to Chris Smith (Shambles Guru), Juthamard Whitehead, Catherine Chen, Anya Kingsford, Adam Dedman, Trey Dobson, Gaby Corbera, Marie Bah, Maren Peterson, Denry Machin, Ally Taylor, Anne Evandt, Sheila French, Sian Edwards, Jessica Loh, En Hudson, Emma Vanseters, Sonia Land, Crysse Morrison, Eva Pascal, Suwanna Yantraruyaha, Susan Dunsmore, Marlene Clarke, Rachel Cooper, Carlton Rounds, and all those who offered their stories for inclusion in the vignettes.

About the Author

Dr Stephen Whitehead is Visiting Professor in Gender Studies at Shih Hisn University, Taiwan and formally Senior Lecturer in Education and Gender at Keele University, UK. He has written and co-authored numerous journal articles together with ten mainstream and academic books which have been published in 17 languages. Stephens books include, Gender and Identity (Oxford University Press), The Many Faces of Men (Random House); Men and Masculinities (Polity); Masculinities Reader (Polity); Men, Women, Love and Romance (Andrews); 16 Faces of Women (Andrews); Managing Professional Identity (Routledge). He has been a relationship coach for over ten years and has provided guidance to hundreds of couples and individuals around the world. He lives in Chiang Mai, Thailand, with his fourth wife, Mam, and stepdaughter.

Foreword

We cannot solve problems by using the same kind of thinking that created them.

-Albert Einstein

Whatever your gender, sexuality, age, race, or relationship experience, it is hoped this book will provide some words of empowerment and that its core message resonates for you. But dont go looking for the love myths - they are not here. Rather than rely on myths and illusion I urge each and every reader to:

Go out and live your lifes love journey with respect, honesty, empathy, openness and confidence. Be both optimistic and strong and in turn you will not only find love, friendship and emotional comfort, you will discover yourself.

Stephen M. Whitehead

15 th September 2012

www.stephen-whitehead.com

Chapter 1: Waking Up

If you want to make your dreams to come true, the first thing you have to do is wake up (J . M. Power)

Mary is 21 and lives in Los Angeles. She first had sex five years ago. She currently has two lovers; a man aged 19 and a divorced woman aged 32. She met her boyfriend online. Her woman lover is one of her university tutors. By the time Mary is 30 she is likely to have had sex with at least one hundred people, both male and female. If she ever does marry it is not yet clear to which sex it will be.

Susan is a barrister, aged 39. She is Singaporean, a divorcee raising two young children. Susan has dated many men since her divorce ten years ago and is currently involved with a man she met through work but who lives in Australia. They meet up three times a year. Susan occasionally sees a married male friend for what she describes as uncomplicated fun.

Betty and Joe are married, in their early 50s. They live in the north of England. Betty and Joe are like thousands of British couples; both have jobs, their children have grown up and left home, and they have a holiday home in Spain. And every other weekend they meet other couples for swinging sex.

Welcome to 21 st century relationships.

The Denial

When it comes to sex, love and romance, it appears the whole world is in a state of denial. Every wedding has become a symbol of resistance against the reality of divorce and separation, every divorce and separation the looming spectre at this feast of love. Sex is one of the central drivers behind our very existence yet still we feel trapped between guilt and pleasure. We cling ever more desperately to the myths of Happy Ever After and when it turns out to be neither Happy or Ever After then we blame ourselves or, just as likely, our ex. Millions of us are in relationships where truths can no longer be spoken, recriminations, disappointments and regrets are mounting up, and our eyes increasingly wander to others. We stay because that is what we are expected to do, its too costly too leave, or we just dont have the emotional strength to live on our own.

Those of us who do make the move have then to cope with a social attitude which sees divorce and separation as failure, every ended relationship as failure, our inability to live the dream of eternal love as failure.

That is a lot of failure.

We start out in our teens and early 20s believing the romantic novels; expecting that we will be the exception to the rule when it comes to love; yes, our love, when we find it, will be different to all the others - it will last forever.

By the time we get to our fourth and fifth decade we are wiser. But we are also bruised. We still hope, but that hope is now tinged with realism. At times its been a very hard journey and weve felt really alone, however, along the way weve discovered who we are and who we can be. We have gotten stronger - we have matured and grown. But still society expects us to conform to some monogamous sexual model that has, for us, long ago proved inadequate. So we play along, not revealing who we truly are for fear of approbation, a critical gaze. We become hypocritical, quick to condemn the sexual behaviour of celebrities and politicians, but just as quick to emulate if the opportunity presents itself.

We either settle for being single, and learn to enjoy that state, or we remain in a relationship which eventually loses its sparkle, becomes predictable and boring, but feels safe and looks normal to outsiders. And despite all this we still hold on to the myths of love and romance. Of course we ourselves cannot attain them, but we put that down to some deep inadequacy in us.

Failure, guilt, hypocrisy, shame, anger and regret - let us begin by binning these feelings altogether and facing up to the truth. Which is that you are normal, it is society that has the problem.

This book is designed to challenge your thinking on love, sex and relationships. I want to offer you not myth and illusion, but the world as it is. I am not interested in enticing you with the holy grail of endless love, but the chance to be free from its myths. If you read this book and feel empowered, inspired and unshackled from whatever social constraints have been imposed on you regards sex and love, then I have achieved my aim.

I want you to stop feeling guilty at the relationship failures youve had in your life. In fact I want you to stop seeing your ended relationships as any sort of failure. I want you to stop feeling guilty at desiring sex with more than one person. And I want you to stop feeling guilty at being single or if you are in a relationship, wanting to be out of it.

Whatever your age, this book is for grown-ups, not for children. The children can continue to believe the fairy tales; that is what being a child is all about. But if you still believe in the fairy tales when you are an adult then you are in denial; and living in a state of denial is not only emotionally unhealthy, it is emotionally dangerous.