Kay Coles James - What I Wish Id Known Before I Got Married: Keepin It Real

WHAT I WISH ID KNOWN BEFORE I GOT MARRIED
published by Multnomah Books
2001 by Kay Coles James

Scripture quotations are from:
The Holy Bible, New International Version
1973, 1984 by International Bible Society, used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House

Published in the United States by WaterBrook Multnomah, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House Inc., New York.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data:
James, Kay Coles.
What I wish Id known before I got married / by Kay Coles James.
p. cm. Includes bibliographical references. eISBN: 978-0-307-56512-9
1. MarriageReligious aspectsChristianity. 2. WivesReligious life.
3. Christian womenReligious life. 4. African American womenReligious
life. 5. James, Kay Coles. I. Title.
BV4528.15 .J35 2001 248.844dc21 2001003321

v3.1

This book is lovingly dedicated to my husband, Charles.
For the words and ways he keeps it real.
I am blessed to share the covenant of marriage
with a faithful friend and caring companion.

So she became his wife, and he loved her.

G ENESIS 24:67

Many voices and many experiences contributed to this book. I am grateful to the women who attended the Renewing the Heart conference series hosted by Focus on the Family. Their questions, struggles, and stories encouraged me to write this book.

To my family and friends, especially Kristine Bramsen, Rita Coles, Paul Conway, Nancy Dean, Dawn Hively, David and Debra James, Dr. Timothy Kelly, Marianne Dean Littel, Ruth McGinn, Carol Simpson, Lori Martin, and Lisa White: I deeply appreciate the time spent editing, talking, and sharing. Know that your impact on this work was significant.

And to my own mentors, Beth York and Joyce Ranson: Thank you for the special roles you have played, and continue to play, in shaping my own marriage.

W hen I got married, I knew at a certain level that it was for life. At the time, my somewhat limited understanding of commitment had been shaped more by my own experience of watching covenants unravel than by any deep theological understanding. As a result, I lacked the conviction that my husband, Charles, would notcould notleave me under any circumstances and that my leaving him was not an option. I knew then how special marriage was, but I didnt quite comprehend the profound mystery involved, how sacred and blessed this covenant truly was. Nor did I know much about the mystery of everyday living in a relationship with another person.

Building a godly marriage, I soon learned, is a difficult and lifelong endeavor for both men and women. There are so many things I wish I had known as I was planning for the big day, and later in the first year of marriage, and in the next ten years.

Today the nuclear family is quite different from what it was forty, even twenty years ago. Career options, enhanced educational prospects, and better housing, among other things, have combined to offer women more opportunities and challenges. Husband and wife truly are equal partners in the responsibilities of raising a family. Some of the literature of the sixties and seventies only exacerbated these changes by creating a false conflict between biblical imperatives and practical realities. As a result, more and more women are seeking help in their marriagesfrom pastors, therapists, the Internet, and marriage booksthan ever before.

The fact is that there are some things your mother cannot bring herself to discuss with you. Your sister, if youre fortunate enough to have one, is often just as confused as you are. So who is supposed to tell you the real deal, the unadulterated truth? In the African American community, there is a term for just such a person: a sister-girlfriend. Doesnt that say it all? Part sister, part friend, she is someone who loves you dearly and will always be honest. She will never avoid the difficult subjects or shy away from speaking the truth in love. Wisdom and prudence come as easily to these women as do straight talk and sassy commentary. These are the women who, as they develop godly character and achieve the wisdom of age, go on to be the mothers of the church. (This is something unique to the black church community: a well-respected woman with worn knees, a well-used Bible, and candy in her purse for children, who has earned the privilege of saying exactly what she thinks. Incidentally, when people ask me what my own goal in life is, it quite simply is to become one of these womenhat and all!)

Women have learned much about gender differences and marriages. Yet despite all of these advances, straight talk and the sister-girlfriends who can offer it are sorely needed today. Some of us, for instance, naively believe that divorce could not happen to us. But the truth stands in stark contrast to what we believe. According to a 1999 study of the family by the Barna Group, the divorce rate among those who identified themselves as Christians was higher than among the general public. with consequences reaching far beyond the lives of the two adults involved.

I was always intrigued by the instructions for women found in the book of Titus. Paul stated that the older women were to train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands so that no one will malign the word of God (Titus 2:45). Paul did not encourage us to inspire younger women or even to teach or counsel them. Instead we are to train them how to be wives to their husbands. Most of the marriage books on the market today talk about communication, consideration, and compromise, all of which are critical elements of healthy marriages. I am not certain, though, that we are doing all we can, as individuals or as a society, to help train young people in an honest, straightforward manner as they prepare for lasting relationships. Hopefully, this book will bring some of the sage advice a sister-girlfriend could offer regarding real-life issues confronting young women as they begin their marriages.