Jackie Martling - Jackie Jokes: The Ultimate Collection

A POST HILL PRESS BOOK ISBN: 978-1-68261-497-6 ISBN (eBook): 978-1-68261-498-3 Jackie Jokes: The Ultimate Collection 2018 by Jackie Martling All Rights Reserved Cover art by Cody Corcoran Cover Photography by Bob Carey No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author and publisher. Post Hill Press New York Nashville posthillpress.com Published in the United States of America Table of Contents This book is dedicated to joke tellers everyw here.
Please dont ever stop Acknowledgments Id like to thank Penn Jillette for his great Foreword, the gang at Post Hill Press for unleashing this culmination of six decades of joke collection, my family and friends, my fans, the countless folks who have been listening to me tell these jokes forever, Oglio Records for releasing six CDs of themand especially my wonderful girlfriend Barbara Klein, who somehow continues to laugh at them Foreword by Penn Jillette Im going to write seriously about my friend, Jackie. Its the only serious thing youre going to get in this book. Its the only words youll see about Jackie in this book. Jackies subject is rarely Jackie, and thats what makes him so important. Its what makes me want to write seriously about him.

Modern American stand -u p comedy starts with Lenny Bruce. Lenny Bruce helped pave the way for Jackie to write a book full of fuck, cunt, and shit. But Lenny also made Jackie rare and valuable. Lenny inspired comics to talk about themselves. From the middle of the twentieth century most comics talk about their own fucks, cunts, and shit. They talk about their own love lives, their own divorces, and their own drug addictions.

Jokes changed from, A guy walks into a bar to, I broke up by text with this guy while I was walking into a bar. Comedy changed from jokes we could all tell into funny observations we could all could relate to. Comedy went from we t o I. I first got to know Jackie when I was doing Stern regularly in the 80s. Jackie was laughing like an idiot into the microphone and scribbling jokes in real time and handing them to Stern. Howard would read the Jackie jokes about all of us and blend them in real time with Howards own personal jokes about Howard.

Jackie kept laughing and scribbling. Howard was I, Jackie was we. Jackie made Howard even funnier and rescued him from solip sism. I didnt see Jackie perform live until recently. I watched him work Vegas. He killed.

People couldnt breathe. Jackie is funny and Jackie is skilled. Who cares? A lot of people are funny and skilled. Whats important is that Jackie is documenting our culture. These are jokes that belong to all of us. Jackies not trying to find something differenthes trying to find things that are the same.

He unites us. Jackie isnt Bob Dylan creating something new out of our folk tradition. Jackie is Alan Lomax, collecting the folk music that our culture created toge ther. Jackies telling our own jokes back to us. He knows more of them than anyone else and he tells them better than anyone else but the jokes belong to all of us. Jackie didnt write them, Jackie collected them and put them in their best form.

Jackies shows and books are the Smithsonians Folkways Records of comedy. You want to see a genius talking about herself? Go see Amy Schumer. You want to learn about America? Go see Ja ckie. There are a lot of geniuses in comedy. Maybe Jackie is one of them, but I cant type that seriously. Jackie loves to tell our jokes.

These jokes belong to all of us. Im glad we have Jackie to take care them. Okay, enough serious bullshit. Lets get to the fucks, cunts, and shit we all created toge ther. Thank you, Ja ckie. Section One Old Faceful A couple goes to the marriage couns elor.

The marriage counselor says, I think we should start with something you have in co mmon. The husband says, Neither of us likes to suck cock. |||||||||||||||||||||| |||| A girl goes to the gynecologist and says, Doc, Im freaking out. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my va gina. He examines her says, Lady, those arent postage stamps theyre the stickers from ban anas. |||||||||||||||||||||| |||| A guy wakes up in the hospital and a nurse standing over him says, Youve been in a very bad car accident.

You wont be able to feel anything from the waist down. He says, So would it okay if I squeezed your tits? |||||||||||||||||||||| |||| A lady walks into a drugstore and says, I need to buy some cyanide to kill my hus band. The pharmacist says, Lady, I cant sell you cyanide to kill your husband. Youll go to jail, Ill go to jail, youre c razy. She reaches into her purse, pulls out a picture, and hands it to the pharmacist. Its a picture of her husband fucking the pharmacists wife.

The pharmacist says, You didnt tell me you had a prescrip tion . |||||||||||||||||||||| |||| A golfer walks into the clubhouse and his face is all clawed up and blee ding. The pro says, What happened to you ? He says, I just blew an e agle. |||||||||||||||||||||| |||| How do you get a fat girl in bed? Piece of cake . |||||||||||||||||||||| |||| Ferguson goes for skydiving les sons. The instructor says, Its very simple.

You leap out of the plane and you pull the ripcord. If nothing happens, you pull the emergency cord. Its that easy. Ferguson goes up in the plane, jumps out, and completely for gets. All of a sudden, he passes another guy, whos comin g up ... The hockey player says, Hey, man...you know anything about parach utes ? The other guy says, No.

You know how to light a gas s tove ? |||||||||||||||||||||| |||| Mrs. Viatori says to her sister, The Gay Pride Parade is t oday. Her sister says, We suck cock and take it in the ass. Why dont nobody never throw us a pa rade? |||||||||||||||||||||| |||| A rancher says to his Mexican foreman, I think sex is fifty percent work and fifty percent play. What do you think, Jos? Jos says, I theenk sex, eet ees one hundrett percent play. |||||||||||||||||||||| |||| Bergin calls the do ctor. |||||||||||||||||||||| |||| Bergin calls the do ctor.

He says, Doc, youve got to come right over. I swallowed a fifty -c ent piece two years ago. The doctor says, Why didnt you call me two years ago? Bergin says, Two years ago I didnt need the m oney. |||||||||||||||||||||| |||| Whats the difference between pussy and apple pie? Everybody loves to eat the crust on your Moms apple pie . |||||||||||||||||||||| |||| A girl says to her friend, Im going to ask my doctor how many calories there are in s perm. |||||||||||||||||||||| |||| Oringers golfing with his wife and theyre just teeing off. |||||||||||||||||||||| |||| Oringers golfing with his wife and theyre just teeing off.

She hits from the ladies tee and then Oringer hits from the mens tee a few yards behind her. He slices it very low and way off to the right, it hits his wife in the back of the head, and she goes down like a sack of potatoes. Shes out. Oringer calls 911, they rush her to the Emergency Room, and a few minutes later the doctor comes out and says to Oringer, Im, sorry, sir, but your wife died immediately from the impact of the ball on her head and brain. But whats really puzzling is I found a golf ball in her anal ca vity. |||||||||||||||||||||| |||| Whats the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl? A poor marksman shoots and shoots and never hits . |||||||||||||||||||||| |||| Jesus is on the cross with his disciples at his feet when suddenly he yanks one of his hands free. |||||||||||||||||||||| |||| Jesus is on the cross with his disciples at his feet when suddenly he yanks one of his hands free.