Minirth Frank B. - Love Is a Choice

Copyright 1989 by Robert Hemfelt, Frank Minirth, Paul Meier

All rights reserved. Written permission must be secured from the publisher to use or reproduce any part of this book, except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles.

Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Clients names and details of their stories have been changed and intermingled to protect their identities.

Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are from THE NEW KING JAMES VERSION of the Bible. Copyright 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations noted NIV are from the HOLY BIBLE: NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations noted RSV are from the REVISED STANDARD VERSION of the Bible. Copyright 1946, 1952, 1971, 1973, by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the U.S.A. Used by permission.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Love is a choice: recovery for codependent relationships / Robert Hemfelt... [et al.].
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 0-7852-6375-6
1. Codependence (Psychology). 2. CodependentsRehabilitation.
I. Hemfelt, Robert.
RC569.5.C63L68

89-37906

616.86dc20

CIP

Printed in the United States of America

03 04 05 06 07 PHX 5 4 3 2 1

Contents

Part One
What Codependency Is

Chapter One
The Thread That Runs So True

G ladys Jordan perched on the edge of the chair with her feet squarely under her, as if she were ready to bolt. Her gnarled fingers laced in and out of each other, paused to draw a strand of graying hair out of her eyes, then resumed their anxious movement. Her fact sheet said she was fifty-three. She looked sixty-five.

In the chair beside her, her husband, John, crossed his arms and sat back with a scowl. A stocky, powerful man, he was by no means fat, but hed been eating well. Fifty-four years of sun had crinkled up his eyes and tanned his skin. A contractor by trade, he enjoyed a spotless reputation for always coming in under bid and on time.

Im here because Gladys wanted me to come, he announced. I dont think a psychologist can help. Its too late.

John Jordan didnt soften.

We understood from years of experience the unspoken objections behind John Jordans guarded attitude, so we admitted that to him. You may well feel that being here today is wrong, we said. Seeking help from a psychologist or psychiatrist says that youre too weak to straighten things out yourself; perhaps you have no common sense, because thats all psychology is. After all, healthy people control their attitudes and emotions at all times. Are we close?

Thats right.

John, I understand you built your contracting firm from scratch.

Started right out of high school, with a used pickup.

How many trucks do you run now?

Seven pickups, two dumps, a couple vans, a front-end loader, and a blade. There was an edge of pride in Johns voicejustifiable, healthy pride.

I see. Too bad youre not stronger. If you were strong enough, you wouldnt need all those expensive tools. You could carry the loads yourself, level sites with a shovel...

Johns face was a beauty to behold. His expression shifted from confusion to realization (the aha! lightbulb-going-on look) to a sly twinkle. That twinkle was the first feeble sign that his hostility might be softening a bit, but the twinkle faded quickly. I see your point. Counseling is a tool, but it still ends up the same. If I could just sit down and talk sense into myself, or if my faith were greaterwe wouldnt be here.

Thats not so. You dont move mountains with a word; you use a grader, not because your faith is lacking but because its the way its done here on earth. We want to help you and your wife move a mountain.

Gladys. Thirty-one years of marriage, three childrentwo boys and a girl. I assume theyre out on their own now. What are they doing? we asked.

Her voice rasped, as tight and jittery as her body. John Junior got his B.A. in business and started a dry-cleaning business. He says it takes a lot of time and work, but hes doing very well. Marsha is an ER nurse at St. Josephs Emergency Room. She likes lots of action, you know? She deals well with pressure. And James is... She licked her lips. Hes had some problems, but hes in detox now and hell do just fine.

John, we understand your faith is very important to both of you. Divorce is not an option, right? You may have considered murder, but not divorce.

The corners of the contractors mouth turned up, more a grimace than a smile. You got that right. The non-smile melted away and at last a true softening crept into his voice. Talk about incompatibility.

Irreconcilable differences. Thats us, constantly. Marriage is supposed to be made in heaven. Ours sure wasnt! If divorce were an optionif we had the choiceone of us would have walked out years ago.

Gladyss features tightened. If we had the choice. She didnt have to use the word trapped. It was etched on her sad face.

Her hands had not ceased moving since she sat down. John doesnt listen. He doesnt even try to hear what I say. Its so frustrating trying to get through a brick wall.

John countered, Shes not talking about communication. Communication is discussing good as well as bad. Everything she says is critical. In her eyes I cant do or say anything right. Whatever I provide, she wants more or different. Its never the right thing, never good enough.

There was no joy in the Jordans marriage and their lives. The din of their constant friction had drowned out the quiet peace of a happy life. Here, on chairs positioned six feet apart, sat the ultimate tragedy: two good, sincere people wanting only to love each other, and they could not.

Through the Jordans livesperhaps through yours as wellruns a common thread causing untold misery and unhappiness. It tugs and pulls at their subconscious. It affects their judgment and robs them of choice, even as they falsely believe they are choosing intelligently and well. That strand has been labeled codependency.

CODEPENDENCY

In its broadest sense, codependency can be defined as an addiction to people, behaviors, or things. Codependency is the fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people, things, and events on the outside. To the codependent, control or the lack of it is central to every aspect of life.

The codependent may be addicted to another person. In this interpersonal codependency, the codependent has become so elaborately enmeshed in the other person that the sense of selfpersonal identityis severely restricted, crowded out by that other persons identity and problems.

Additionally, codependents can be like a vacuum cleaner gone wild, drawing to themselves not just another person, but also chemicals (alcohol or drugs, primarily) or thingsmoney, food, sexuality, work. They struggle relentlessly to fill the great emotional vacuum within themselves. Our patients have described it as walking around feeling like the hole in the center of the doughnut. There is something missing inside me.

SUPPORT GROUPS

Codependency was first recognized several decades ago as counselors endeavored to help alcoholics and their families. In the vanguard of this movement was Alcoholics Anonymous. The founders of AA observed several things about alcoholics: they were deeply embittered toward God, they were rebellious (independent), and at the same time they were childishly dependent upon those around them.