Patrick King - The Confidence Formula: May Cause: Lower Self-Doubt, Higher Self-Esteem, and Comfort In Your Own Skin

By Patrick King

Social Interaction and Conversation Coach at www.PatrickKingConsulting.com

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Low Confidence Characteristics

Am I Unconfidentor Do I Have Anxiety?

The Spotlight Effect

Feelings Versus Automatic Thoughts

Blame the Amygdala

Your Confidence Resume

Where Lack of Confidence Comes From

Challenging Your Core Beliefs

Finding Alternate Beliefs

More Experimentation on Your Core Beliefs

Shut Up!

Types of Cognitive Distortions

Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT)

Transform Your Self-Talk

Three-Step Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Step 1: Observe

Step 2: Challenge

Step 3: Replace

Exposure Therapy

The Alter Ego

Identity diversification

Mindfulness to Reduce Anxiety and Overthinking

There was a time in my life when I was deeply uncomfortable placing my order at McDonalds. However, it wasnt because I had inner turmoil about the massive load of saturated fat I was about to put into my body. It was because I had to speak to someone to do it. Sounds crazy, huh? If youre reading this book, though, Im guessing it sounds a little too familiar...

I remember one particular instance at an Applebees. The waitress had come around to my side of the table to take my order, but I wasnt quite ready so I tried to stall her by asking her what she recommended.

I could sense her eyes burning a hole through my menu, the rest of the table staring at me and wishing I hadnt come, and the cooks in the back covertly planning to spit in my food. I started sweating all over and my ears became so hot I thought they were going to melt right off my head. I had made such a huge mistake, and now deserved to be outcast from the group.

I felt rushed and latched on to the first menu item my eyes landed on. When the food came, I ate it as quickly as possible, left some money on the table, and, to my friends protests, made up an excuse about having to go home. At home, I stewed over it for eonsafter all, it was the single most embarrassing and awful disaster that had ever happened, right?

Of course, to everyone else, their friend was just asking the waitress for her recommendation, and to the waitress, a customer was having a difficult time deciding what to order. Thats it. These might have been your thoughts as well; that I was making incredible leaps to conclusions that were blown out of proportion. But at no point did I truly think I was acting irrationally. I felt I had made such a blunder that I deserved to be cast out from civilized society. Seriously.

Thats the role of confidence in our lives, and Im speaking as someone whos been in your shoes and knows how it feels. I know how crippling and fear-driven it is, and how it can prevent you from living life the way you want to. Little by little over the years, I conquered my fears of ordering food at restaurants, and graduated to becoming comfortable with public speaking and meeting new people. Ive come a long way from that day in Applebees.

Confidence may not be a cure-all, but because it can be so deeply rooted within people for so long, it causes us anxiety in ways we may not realize.

Theres a poetic saying proposing when a butterfly flaps its wings in Brazil, it causes a tsunami in Japan. What does that mean? No matter how small an action, there will always be a consequence. We may not perceive it, and it may barely be felt, but there is always some sort of reaction for each action.

A butterfly might displace only a single breaths worth of air, but as it travels, that tiny flutter of air can easily snowball and aggregate into a monstrous tsunami. The aftereffects of seemingly small actions are often hidden, unintended, or flat-out ignored.

This is the ripple effect, and though its easier to observe in other situations, it is imperative to understand in the context of confidence. Lack of belief and confidence in yourself has wide-ranging consequences you may not even be aware of, and they affect every corner of your life. The smallest absence of confidence can grow and compound in a way that makes you unable to recognize yourself in the mirror.

If affects your entire outlook on life, and not just when youre at a networking event or birthday party. Its more than something keeping you from going to a party, or from talking to a stranger. Its the story youve told about yourself since you were young, and it influences all your patterns of thought. And these seemingly flimsy thoughts and feelings have a funny way of becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. They may start out tiny and imperceptible, but in a real way, can eventually manifest concretely in the choices we make, the choices we dont... and the people we become.

The best way to understand the impact of low confidence is to contrast the beliefs it can cause with the beliefs of people who have high confidence. By taking a good hard look at what its like not to be crippled by low-confidence and anxiety, we can get a good idea of where to start on our own journey to better self-esteem. The first thing to do, probably, is to really believe that you, too, can be one of those people.

People who possess high self-esteem and confidence take almost all of the following for granted, and why wouldnt they? Shouldnt you? It might seem like they are low, basic expectations, but thats where the separation is found. These are the miniscule butterfly wing flaps that ultimately create tsunamis!

Socially confident people expect to be accepted. When they meet strangers, they expect to make a good impression and dont get entangled in or stymied by fears they will be negatively perceived by others. They take for granted that people will react positively to them. They never approach situations thinking, What if they dont like me? Instead, they think, I hope I like them.

They have the same adrenaline coursing through their veins when they meet strangers, but it manifests as excitement, whereas for others it will manifest as anxiety. Rather than fear, they have a relaxed interest or curiosity. This turns the prospect of anything new into an opportunity for gain rather than a minefield to be careful in or avoid completely.

Socially confident people evaluate themselves positively. This is partially due to the way they talk to themselves, and partially due to their positive self-perception. What do these mean? Socially confident people are encouraging, positive, and accepting of themselves. They give themselves leeway not to be perfect and dont beat themselves up too harshly when they are not.

They also rate their social abilities according to a positive baseline. If they do well, thats par for the course. They expected that. If they do poorly, its an occasional exception that they can learn from. They dont allow themselves to be affected by singular incidents they know dont represent their abilities. They think highly of themselves in a healthy manner and arent afraid of constant judgment.