Esther Rasband - Confronting the Myth of Self-Esteem: Twelve Keys to Finding Peace

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Rasband, Ester.

Confronting the myth of self-esteem: twelve keys to finding peace/Ester Rasband.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 1-57345-381-1 (pbk.)

1. Spiritual lifeChurch of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

2. Self-esteemReligious aspectsChurch of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. 3. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day SaintsDoctrines. I. Title.

BX8656.R366 1998

248.4'89332dc21 98-25905

CIP

Printed in the United States of America 21239-6368

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

This book is dedicated to all those who suffer because the world has told them that they must have that which is of no worth and which will keep them from peace. May you find comfort here.

Wherefore, do not spend money for that which is of no worth, nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy. Hearken diligently unto me, and remember the words which I have spoken; and come unto the Holy One of Israel, and feast upon that which perisheth not, neither can be corrupted, and let your soul delight in fatness.2 Nephi 9:51

Acknowledgments

To those whose stories I tell here, I thank you for what you taught me. If my lessons were learned at your expense, I beg your forgiveness. May you all take satisfaction in recognizing that you have moved me forward toward peace.

This book has been a product of my deep conviction and a labor of passion that often required the objectivity of others. I want to thank Linda Gundry of Deseret Book as well as Leslie Stitt, my brother Clyde Johnson, and my son, Jim Rasband, for significant editing helps. I'm also grateful to those who struggled through and identified weaknesses in early drafts of the manuscript, including our missionaries Bryce Tingle, Craig Teuscher, and Jennifer Nelson Lloyd; my former colleague, Larry Beall; my friends LaVonne VanOrden and Darlene Burns; and my sons and their wives: Jim and Mary and Win and Kelley Rasband. To my friend Nancy Richardson I owe a debt for the gift of her precious time. I thank Dave Trebas for his creative input.

Most of all, I thank my husband, Jim, who challenged every word as it went to paper at the same time that he provided a climate of love that made it possible for me to proceed.

Introduction

Friends often ask me, What project are you working on these days? Lately my answer has been, An anti self-esteem book. Friends laugh, then offer their own unique responses. I get everything from Good! or Wonderful! to How can anybody be anti self-esteem?

I generally add a sort of disclaimer: It's not confidence that I'm against. It's self-esteem, or at least, the search for self-esteem.

Now, before you close this book in exasperation, let me explain. I really believe that the two concepts, confidence and self-esteem, have come to have quite different meanings. Genuine feelings of confidence and worth are important to our feeling peace and joy, but these feelings can't be found by desperately seeking something we call self-esteem. And self-esteem, with its focus on self, is a different story from genuine confidence. That difference is what this book is about.

Deep down all of us know our mortal limitations. We know we aren't wonderfulour enormous, eternal potential notwithstanding. Inadequacy is the human condition, and unless we tap into the adequacy of our Father in Heaven, we live in a somewhat fearful state: fearful that our inadequacy will cause us to fail and will stand in the way of our being loved and valued. Society, trying to rid us of that fear, tells us that we must feel adequate in ourselves. This emphasis on self-esteem, however, only masks our fears, and unfortunately it concentrates these fears instead of casting them out.

I think the belief that we must have self-esteem exacerbates the very problem it's supposed to combat: our search for self-esteem is a depressant, an anxiety producer, and a dreadful pressure. Genuine confidence, on the other hand, is a byproduct of our accomplishment and the Savior's atone-menta combination of what we do with God's help, and what God has done for us.

You might ask, as some of my friends have, But isn't some self-esteem necessary to achieve, to accomplish things? Isn't self-esteem the means?

Not self-esteem, I answer. Just love. Love brings peace, and peace leads to confidence.

Well, isn't loving yourself the same as having self-esteem?

Yes. But I'm not talking about self-love. I'm talking about something else entirely.

These philosophical conversations engross me, and others insights always provide enlightenment. Someone is sure to mention what a relief from loneliness it must be when one's faith is in God instead of in oneself. The responsibility to be confident all on our own, we admit, is too heavy to bear.

Our conclusion is always that there is no anxiety in seeking first the kingdom of God and his righteousness. There is no distress in loving God with all our heart, might, mind, and strength and in serving his other children because we love him (and them.). Confidence, we conclude, is the natural result of that kind of loving quest. The torment comes about when we buy into the belief of society that we must first seek our own self and serve it. The worldly theory is that when we find ourselves all else will be added unto us.

But it seems to me that the gospel teaches us that when we stop looking for ourselves, God can add all else unto us. It is the search for self-esteem that tortures us, not our lack of it. If we could stop seeking our own, as Paul identified it in 1 Corinthians 13:5, we could get rid of the feeling that we live in a vice.

The search for self-esteem will always frustrate us. In fact, only the most complete humility will ultimately bring confidence.

Reassuringly, my conversations with my friends usually end with the understanding that genuine confidence doesn't come to us overnight and that no one achieves it perfectly in this life. Nevertheless, the forerunner to confidence is peace, and peace is available in this life.

The world today, seeing that we are fearful, teaches that what we need is self-esteem. I think, however, that the world has made an error in identification. Peace is what the heart of man genuinely cravespeace born of love. That peaceful feeling of acknowledging that we are loved is what makes it possible to grow and contribute. Peace born of love is what gives mankind the strength to make effort and the reassurance to have patience.

The scriptures teach that peace comes only from the Prince of Peace. The search for self-esteem becomes an obstacle to our finding the comfort of the Lord's love and grace. Peace is what I pray that together we can find.

See Matt. 6:33, But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. See also Amos 5:4; Ezra 8:22; 1 Chron. 16:1011; and Jer. 45:5, which reads, Seekest thou great things for thyself? seek them not.