Dr. Carla Marie Manly - Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships and Love Fearlessly

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I t is a privilege and joy to honor those who have given me the gifts of love, support, and guidance throughout my journey and the writing of this inspiring book.

Thank you, my dear parents, for your love and direction; thank you for your support as I found my way through life.

Brian, our journey is one of constant evolution and growth; thank you for being my loving partner in life.

Adam, you are a brilliant treasure of support and unconditional love; I am so grateful for all that you do and all that you are.

Cody, you are a precious force of love, wit, and determination; thank you for being youa shining light in my life.

Cali, I am consistently grateful for your kindness, positivity, love, and supportive presence in my life.

Linnea, thank you so very much for your loving kindness and affirming, insightful support of my work.

Genevieve and Rich, you are my precious adopted family; thank you for your steadfast, loving friendship.

Jasmine, your loving friendship gives me great joy; thank you for your wise, treasured insights.

Orchid, you are a most cherished friend and treasured sister; thank you for your love and care.

Erika, your friendship and love continue to enrich my life; thank you for your empowering wisdom.

Martell, your uplifting feedback has been so appreciated; thank you for your loving kindness.

Elizabeth, thank you for your time, energy, and thoughtful insights.

Jessica, your uplifting energy and support are priceless; thank you for all you do for me!

Lindsay Sandberg, your wisdom and support made the editing process nearly a breeze. Thank you for understanding and believing in the books heartfelt message of strength and positivity. Your insights, diligence, and professionalism allowed the manuscript to evolve most beautifully. From start to finish, your kindness and authenticity made every difference. Thank you.

Kate Farrell, your positive, enthusiastic marketing and PR efforts are inspiring and so appreciated. Thank you for your ongoing dedication and interest in the books success.

Brooke Jorden, your expertise is truly valued; thank you for your kind support.

Christopher Robbins and the Familius publishing team, thank you for your ongoing, inspiring knowledge and effort.

Freedom, thank you for being such a force of joy and love in my life. You continue to teach me the power of unconditional love, patience, joy, and play.

And to every friend who has loved me, every mentor who has paused to guide me, every teaching that has informed me, every writer who has inspired me, and every client who has reached out to me, I am humbly appreciative. You have given my life greater depth, texture, and meaning; I am forever grateful.

Reader, I am deeply grateful for you. My work would be meaningless were it not for your desire to learn and evolve. It is for you that I write to share the passion and love that live in my mind, heart, and soul.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

C arla Marie Manly, PhD, is a practicing clinical psychologist, author, and advocate who makes her home in Santa Rosa, California. Utilizing a mindfulness-based, holistic approach, Dr. Manly focuses on helping others achieve joy and balance from the inside out.

Dr. Manlys motto is this: May you always remember your innate beauty and the treasures that lie within you. May you walk toward your own true light with unwavering integrity. When challenges face you, as they assuredly will throughout life, may you meet them with courage that stems from your extraordinary inner strength. When you doubt or feel alone, trust that there are others who will support you and guide you when you call out. May you always remember that you are here for a purpose, and every day of your life you have the incredible opportunity to be true to yourself. May your life be filled with the light of love, integrity, peace, and wisdom.

To Love and Freedom

Chapter 1:

THE CHOCOLATE OF DATING

S ome people like chocolate so much they think its a food group. Chocolate is one of those comforting basics that can make us feel loved, happy, and soothed. Good dating is a lot like finding the right chocolate. You dont want to waste your time on a chunk of iffy chocolate that you found in the bottom drawer or chocolate that is too rich (or not rich enough) to suit your taste. From grocery store candy bars to high-end, exorbitantly priced chocolate, theres something to suit everyone. One type of chocolate isnt better or worse than the other; they are just different. And different can be really good.

When I was a kid, I would take a box of chocolates and (very carefully) pry into the bottom of each chocolate until I found one I liked. It drove my mom crazy. I guess I was pretty picky even back then. As I grew older, I learned to refer to the leaflet inside the box in order to avoid decimating the contents or mistakenly popping an unexpectedly stomach-turning chocolate into my mouth. My discovery process developed; I became more discerning and naturally more respectful to others who wanted to enjoy that box of chocolates. Over time, my tastes have changed, but Ive never lost my fondness for a truly good chocolate. Unfortunately, it took me some time (quite a lot of time) to learn to be as discriminating with the people I dated as I was with chocolate. Now that I think of it, finding the right chocolate is certainly easier than finding the right person to date.

Its important not to give up hope, because theres usually something wonderful in that big box of chocolates; it just takes time (and sometimes, a lot of exploring and experimentation) to find the right one. Trust that the work you do will bring sweet, wonderful, lasting rewards.

Before we get started on dating, Id like to pause to talk about something really important: You dont have to date. You dont need to feel compelled to find a partner. There are times in life when we just need to be on our own. Sometimes for weeks. Sometimes for months. Sometimes for years. I know this from personal experience and from helping other people in their own journeys. There are times when we just do better solo. Many times we need alone space to ponder and heal from certain hurts and experiences in life. Sometimes we need alone time to learn and grow. And there are many times we need personal space just to BE.

Just being is one of my favorite parts of life. It can take a lot of time and space to learn how to be an individual. There are times when we want (or need) to fill up the time and space in our lives with mindful self-exploration, play, meandering and just being ourselves. This intentional me time can be invaluable.

Our culture often gives us the message that dating and having a partner is the right or only way to be. This simply isnt true. There may be times that you might be ready and willing to date. There may be times when you might really want to take a break just to know how wonderful it is be focused on discovering YOU and being YOU. There are some people who may never want to be partnered. Its a matter of conscious awareness and personal choice.

Now, lets look at some interesting bits that will help you navigate some of the basic parts of dating. Date Smart offers 33 Mindset Shift principles and solid facts to support your journey. In each chapter, you will also find clear, actionable Simple Steps and Hard Stops exercises to help you become more aware, empowered, and ready to date smart.

MINDSET SHIFT #1THERES A TIME TO DATE AND A TIME NOT TO DATE. If you choose not to date, you are NOT wasting your time. Any time that you intentionally set aside to be yourselfjust to learn, grow, and beis some of the most valuable time in life. Youre not broken or unlovable if you consciously choose not to date; you are simply investing your energy in other important areas of your life.