Matthew McKay - The Self-Esteem Companion: Simple Exercises to Help You Challenge Your Inner Critic and Celebrate Your Personal Strengths

The Self-Esteem Companion

Simple Exercises To Help You Challenge Your Inner Critic And Celebrate Your Personal Strengths

by Matthew McKay, Ph.D., Patrick Fanning, Carole Honeychurch, and Catharine Sutker

New Harbinger Publications

Publishers Note

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

Copyright 2005 by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, Carole Honeychurch, and Catharine Sutker

New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

5674 Shattuck Avenue

Oakland, CA 94609

www.newharbinger.com

Cover and text design by Amy Shoup

All Rights Reserved. Printed in the United States of America.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Originally published: 1999.

ISBN: 1-57224-411-9

ISBN-13: 978-1-60882-428-1 Epub

For Dana Landis

M.M.

For the Monday night mens group

P.F.

For Piki and Prudence

C.H.

For my family

C.S.

Contents

In my practice, I have found that wounded self-esteem is the root of most emotional problems. And the opposite is also true. Success stories begin with a sense of confidence, a belief in oneself. Self-esteem is the ingredient that makes strong and lasting relationships, builds a nurturing community, and turns dreams into achievements. It is the source of the sustained motivation we need to overcome obstacles, setbacks, and doubt.

Many people believe that their level of self-esteem is fixed and constant, that theres nothing they can do about feelings of low worth. This is untrue. How much or little you value yourself can change tremendously over time. You have the power to raise your sense of worthnot just a little, but a lot. The secret of building good self-esteem is to learn to see the whole you, not just your warts, failures and mistakes. What if you stopped focusing on whats wrong with you, and started paying attention to your strengths and assets, the moments in your life that you are proud of? Growing your self-esteem is about paying attentionto how you love, to what you give, to all the hard work of being alive.

This book will show you how to stop listening to that nattering voice inside thats always criticizing and putting you down. It will teach you how to silence those shaming thoughts that keep pounding you for every mistake. But most important, it will help you create a new, accepting voice thatlike a good parentvalidates you and gives you confidence. Every exercise in this book is a proven strategy that will build your worth and change how you see yourself.

But remember this: changing is not the same as wishing. If you want to raise your self-esteem, reading the book wont be enough. Youll have to actually do some of the exercises. Youll need to practice with these tools and techniques. I promise youif you invest a little effort, your feelings about yourself will change. Your confidence will grow. Your life and your relationships will be profoundly different. All you have to do is turn the page and begin.

Matthew McKay, Ph.D.

What Is Self-Esteem, Anyway?

Have you ever seen a T-shirt that reads, Lifes a Beach? Its a good image to help you understand self-esteem.

If you have high self-esteem, you place yourself higher up on the beach of life, safe from the waves, where theres plenty of room to spread out your stuff on dry sand. Youre conveniently close to the snack bar, bathrooms, and volleyball net. You feel warm and relaxed. You can wander around, talk to people, eat an ice cream cone, flirt a little, go down to the water for a swim, have a good time.

If you have low self-esteem, you find yourself lower down on the beach of life, too close to the water, where its damp, cold, and windy. You dont spread your stuff out very far because the bigger waves can reach you and engulf everything. You can see others having a good time, but you feel isolated, resentful of the people with better spots, and incapable of moving.

You might try to improve your situation by building walls of sand around you, but these defenses only isolate you further, and you know that the waves will eventually wash the walls away, no matter how high or how perfectly you build them. You might have a few beers, brag about your bravery, joke about your plight, get mad, or make excuses. But nothing helps to stem your growing awareness that the tide is rising.

If you dont like your spot on the self-esteem beach, you can start to improve your situation right now by taking this short quiz. It will help you begin to see how self-esteem operates in your life. Check the statements that are mostly true for you:

1. I would rather stay home than go to a party.
2. I sometimes overindulge in alcohol, drugs, tobacco, or food.
3. I dress conservatively so I wont stand out.
4. I feel its important to justify my actions to others.
5. I think a lot about how others are perceiving me.
6. I like a good argument for its own sake.
7. I dont push myself forward or take risks at work or school.
8. I often feel angry at other people.
9. I find it hard to say no to people.
10. I enjoy telling others about my successes.

The statements with odd numbers are meant to start you thinking about the ways low self-esteem makes you avoid certain people, situations, or feelings. Those with even numbers suggest ways you might feel compelled to defend against low self-esteem. These patterns can change. The rest of this book is about strengthening your sense of self-worth so these old defenses are no longer necessary.

In this section there are nine simple and easy exercises that will help you feel better about yourself fast. Thousands of people have used these techniques over the years and consistently proven their effectiveness in boosting self-esteem. These core secrets include remembering better times, giving yourself credit for your contributions to others, using mnemonic devices for recalling positive memories, staying relaxed from moment to moment, creating your own images for stress reduction, discovering hidden treasures in your life, consulting your inner guide, visualizing your true self-worth, and mastering a simple form of hypnotic suggestion.

Five-Finger Exercise

Some days, especially when youre feeling particularly gloomy and down on yourself, you just need a quick, simple pick-me-up. You can use the five-finger exercise anytime to remember how to feel great about yourself.

Take three or four deep breaths; let feelings of relaxation and calm spread throughout your entire body. Let all of your muscles release their tension as you close your eyes. Now, as you continue to relax, become aware of your dominant hand.

This is called the five-finger exercise, but its really about your four fingers and your thumb. Touch your thumb to your index finger. As you do, think back to your past, to a time when you felt really cared for and loved. Maybe it was when you had that stomachache and your parent took such good care of you. How about the time your friends threw you a big birthday party? Any time will do, whether its a big event or a small moment.

Next, touch your thumb to your middle finger. Think back to a time you felt really successful. Was it your graduation from school? How about when you got your job or promotion? Or, maybe it was when your kids were born. Again, any time will do, as long as it provides a strong memory of your feelings of success.