Ogden - The return of desire : a guide to rediscovering your sexual passion

This book is the prescription women need to finally come home to themselves and to the vital life force that is their sexual desire.

Christiane Northrup, MD

To read this book is to bask in the radiance of the wisest of sexual guides. Ogden gently and lovingly takes readers on a magnificent journey.

Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First and Passionista

Gina Ogden probes the intricacies of female sexuality with subtle depth and understanding. I plan to recommend this book to any woman on her path to finding greater sexual self-discovery and self-acceptance, and ultimately ecstasy.

Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity

Engaging, accessible, well-researched, and full of wonderful anecdotes from women across the life span. A delightful invitation for all readers to explore the full range of our own desires.

Judy Norsigian and Lynn Rosenbaum, for Our Bodies Ourselves

Gina Ogden listens to women. Her book lifts the language of desire from competition and dysfunction to caring, empathy, and a powerful new consciousness that expands our lives and our partnerships.

Riane Eisler, author of The Chalice and the Blade and The Real Wealth of Nations

Ogden, a seasoned therapist, shares her considerable wisdom about rekindling sexual passion. No quick fixes promised but a thoughtful recognition and celebration of the emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual dimensions of our sexuality.

Sandra R. Leiblum, PhD, author of Getting the Sex You Want

ABOUT THE BOOK

Drawing on three decades of experience as a sex therapist and sex researcher, Dr. Gina Ogden shows you how to:

• Open up to the four energies that spark desire
• Create heart-to-heart communication with your partner
• Transcend guilt, shame, and good-girls-don't messages
• Help heal the sexual wounds of abuse, addiction, affairs, and low self-esteem
• Enjoy sexual pleasure throughout your life spanfrom new love, to parenthood, and into your golden years

To learn more about the author, Gina Ogden, go to www.ginaogden.com.

GINA OGDEN, PhD, has had a distinguished career as a marriage and family therapist, sex therapist, teacher, researcher, and author. She is the author of several books, including Women Who Love Sex and The Heart and Soul of Sex, and has been a featured guest on numerous radio and television programs including Oprah. She lives in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

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The Return of Desire

A Guide to Rediscovering Your Sexual Passion

GINA OGDEN, PHD

TRUMPETER

BOSTON 2011

TO ISIS

SUPREME LOVER

INITIATOR INTO THE SEXUAL MYSTERIES

RESTORER OF BODY AND SOUL

This book is intended as an educational volume only, not as a medical manual. The information given here is designed to help you make informed decisions about your health and pleasure. It is not intended as a substitute for any treatment that may have been prescribed by your doctor. If you suspect that you have a medical problem or if you experience emotional discomfort, we urge you to seek competent medical help or counseling from a skilled sexuality educator or therapist.

TRUMPETER BOOKS

An imprint of Shambhala Publications, Inc.

Horticultural Hall

300 Massachusetts Avenue

Boston, Massachusetts 02115

trumpeterbooks.com

2008 by Gina Ogden

Cover photograph by John Grant/Stone/Getty Images

Selection from the Goddess Chant, copyright Shawna Carol. Reprinted by permission of Pagan Peoples Music.

A portion of the authors proceeds will be donated to organizations promoting womens health.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Ogden, Gina.

The return of desire: a guide to rediscovering your sexual passion / Gina Ogden.1st ed.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

eISBN 978-0-8348-2287-0

ISBN 978-1-59030-364-1 (pbk.: alk. paper)

1. Sex instruction for women. 2. WomenSexual behavior. 3. Sexual desire disorders. 4. Intimacy (Psychology) 5. Couples. I. Title.

HQ46.O43 2008

306.7082dc22

2007045038

Refocusing the Conversation about Desire

T HIS BOOK IS BASED ON what Ive learned in over three decades as a sex therapist, educator, and researcher. Its also based on the 3,810 responses to the national survey I conducted on sexuality and spirituality, which explored a range of questions other sex surveys have not investigated. Instead of querying how much, how many, and how often, I asked respondents how their sexual relationships felt to them and what they meant in their lives. My earlier book The Heart and Soul of Sex discusses the survey resultswhich indicate that sexual experience includes much more than weve been led to believe by doctors, religious leaders, media reporters, and Miss Morrison, when she caught us fiddling with ourselves in third grade. (Class! We will now all place our hands on the tops of our desksin full sight please!)

The Return of Desire continues where The Heart and Soul of Sex leaves off. It investigates sexual desire through the lens of relationship. The focus is on womenwho we are, how we feel, and how our views of sex evolve as we mature, change our shape, our hair color, and perhaps our partners and our sexual lifestyles. It isnt that mens opinions dont count. Its that most models of sexual desire begin with men and end with women not quite measuring up. Its the old Mars-Venus view of the universe, where men are supposed to be the fixed sexual stars. So to focus on women, on what we feel and on what we can do to reclaim desire on our own terms, opens up a sexual cosmos that has never been fully explored.

Part 1 explores the many faces of sexual desire. It invites you to understand the richness and complexity of what women wantbeyond performance, beyond hormones, beyond the medical model that polarizes function and dysfunction, and beyond the cultural clichs that polarize men and women. Here, youll learn about the four energies that spark sexual desire, and how these relate to your relationships, including the all-important relationship you develop with yourself.

Part 2 investigates the myriad reasons women say no to sex. It leads you through some major passages and pitfalls of sexual desirefrom falling in love, to affairs, pleasure anxiety, codependency, abuse, and good old-fashioned Catholic guilt (as one woman puts it). It addresses some specific problems women associate with sexual desire: Is it childbirth? Is it low self-worth? Is it men? Is it sexual orientation? Chapters in part 2 offer a breadcrumb path through all of these issues, with scores of practical ways to help you find your way home.

Part 3 suggests how you can expand your beliefs about sexual desire. It leads you to explore the notion of sacred unionthe spiritual mysteries of sexual connection and meaning. This is a controversial path for many of us because weve been so accustomed to think of sexuality as separate from spirituality. Yet youll hear from womenand menwho assert that sexual desire is a path to the divine, and vice versathat opening up spiritually can awaken the deepest longings of the body. The afterword encourages you to create a new storyyour own storyabout sexual desire and all that it may mean for your life.