Robinson - Communication miracles for couples : easy and effective ways to create more love and less conflict

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Awakening Your Spirituality

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Real Wealth: A Spiritual Approach to Money and Work

Instant Insight: 200 Ways to Create the Life You Really Want

The Little Book of Big Questions: 200 Ways to

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This edition first published in 2012 by Conari Press,

an imprint of Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC

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Copyright 1997

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC. Reviewers may quote brief passages. Originally published in 1997, ISBN: 978-1-57324-083-3

ISBN: 978-1-57324-583-8

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It's been a dozen years since Communication Miracles for Couples first came out. I still get e-mails from couples who write things like, We were so surprised how well your book worked for us. As a psychotherapist, I've seen the devastating pain that can occur when two people are no longer communicating in a caring manner. Once locked into the blame game, it can be hard to have any hope that things can be turned around. Well, I have good news and bad news for you. First, the bad news: if you keep doing what you've done in the past, you'll likely keep getting the same results. The good news is that, if you change how you communicate with your partner, things can get much better than you'd ever imagined. Over the years I've had countless couples tell me how quickly things improved in their relationship once they started to communicate with less blame and more understanding.

Unfortunately, in today's fast-paced, consumeroriented culture, we don't learn how to communicate effectively in romantic relationships. That's why practicing some of the ideas and methods in this book may seem a bit like learning a foreign language. And just like learning a foreign language, it will take some practice before you feel fully comfortable speaking in this new way. Yet, once you get the hang of it, I think you'll be amazed at how consistently these methods lead to the feelings of safety and connection you desire.

Since I've received so many e-mails over the years, in this new edition I've been able to expand on some things that couples told me were particularly helpful to them. For example, in the first chapter I have put greater emphasis on what I call the Acknowledgment Formula. Many couples have told me that this one simple technique was enough to change the whole dynamic in their relationship. Although most of the methods in this book are quite simple, that does not mean they are easy to use when the crap is hitting the fan. Therefore, I suggest you first try practicing these techniques with your partner during everyday conversations. For instance, when your partner is telling you about his or her rough day at work, try to better understand him or her using one of the methods in this book. Don't wait for a big blowout before you try my suggestions. If you practice these ideas in daily life, when a big communication challenge comes along, you'll have the experience and confidence to work it out with your mate in a successful manner.

As with learning any new skill or behavior, sometimes you're going to make mistakes. Even though I wrote this book, I must confess that I still blow it sometimes. I blame, I fail to listen, or I say something hurtful. When I do, I simply apologize to my partner, and then I proceed with what I've learned really works. Fortunately, it only takes a little bit of light to brighten a dark room.

As long as you are able to occasionally use the suggestions in this book, I am confident you'll be pleased with the results you get. I'll be rooting for you.

Jonathan Robinson

January 2009

When couples come to me for psychotherapy, they are often at their wits' end. It's not unusual for them to be screaming at each other while they sit in my office. Secretly, both people in the relationship are hoping I will act as an all-powerful judge and, after listening to the evidence against their partner, proclaim them to be totally innocent and their partner 100 percent guilty. I disappoint them. Instead, I tell them they're both doing things that are making intimacy impossible. I ask them if they would be willing to spend a short time trying a totally different but highly effective approach to relationship communication. I ask the same thing of you. You may not agree with everything I say in this book. That's okay. Take what feels like it will work for you, and leave the rest. However, I encourage you to test my methods in your own life. If you do, I think you'll see something quite amazing these methods can create miracles in your relationship!

I have a unique job. I'm a psychotherapist who promises to help couples in three sessions or less. Therefore, I've focused on how to quickly turn things around for couples deeply mired in problems. Sound impossible? It isn't. All that's needed is the right theory about what really makes human beings tick and the right techniques to effectively bring out the best in yourself and others. I'm excited to present these ideas to you because I know they work. Unfortunately, I've seen that a lot of the information that exists about communication is not truly helpful. In my own life, I've seen that the ideas I was taught in college or read in books simply didn't work in the real world of relationships. Yet, the information in this book has withstood the most difficult test possible: It even works with people who are deeply hurt, enraged, and ready to give up all hope. No one needs a book on how to communicate when they feel good, loving, and peaceful. What we all need is a book on how to communicate effectively when we're fearful, frustrated, or want to punch someone in the nose! The theory and methods in this book are so simple, and yet so powerful they will even work in the most challenging real-life situations.

Of course, you need not be deeply mired in problems to find these ideas and tools of great value to you. The same methods that can make a conflicted relationship peaceful can help make a good partnership become truly fantastic. Even if you've been happily married for many years, I'm confident these tools will help you create more intimacy than ever before. In addition, although this book is aimed at helping couples, you'll find these same ideas will also help you communicate more effectively with your boss, coworkers, children, family, and friends.

I often hear people complain that they're willing to communicate openly, but their partner is not. It is indeed easier to talk with a willing, cooperative partnerbut not essential. You can use many of the methods in this book without your partner being aware of what you're doing. All they will likely notice is that you are blaming them less and are therefore safer to talk to. Yet, if your partner is the type who would be open to reading this book, by all means encourage him to do so. (Throughout this book, in each paragraph I alternate between using male and female pronouns such as him and her or she and he when referring to individuals. I do this to better accomodate both male and female readers.) Many of the ideas are easier to use when both partners are making an effort to practice them. It can even be a good idea to read a chapter out loud to your partner and immediately make use of the ideas presented.