Lucio Buffalmano - Dating Power Dynamics(Premium Articles)

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What is stonewalling, stonewalling examples, what stonewalling does to relationships and, most of all, how to fix stonewalling. So lets start: Contents Whats Stonewalling Stonewalling: An Holistic Overview Men Are Usually Stonewallers When Stonewalling Spells Relationship Doom Why Partners Stonewall What Stonewalling Does to Relationships Stonewalling Examples In Relationships How to Get Through A Stonewaller How to End Stonewalling 1. Stop arguing 2. Call a break if you stonewall 3. Practice self soothing 4. Trust yourself and engage Stonewalling Power Dynamics Summary Further Reading: Whats Stonewalling In Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, John Gottman defines Stonewalling as: One partner withdrawing from the conversation and stopping to engage.

Stonewalling is expressed in a variety of different ways: Turning around and looking away Silent treatment Physically leaving the room Refusing to answer or talking about the issue at hand Yelling to stop the conversation Stonewalling often happens often as a consequence of flooding, such as feeling so overwhelmed that we cant focus. But instead of exploding, the stonewaller implodes. Stonewalling: An Holistic Overview Stonewalling is the fourth and last Horseman of The Apocalypse, a nickname John Gottman uses also for Criticism, Contempt and Defensiveness. The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse often go together and predict divorce in more than 90% of the cases. Thats why its crucial you fix them. Men Are Usually Stonewallers While criticism, contempt and defensiveness are gender neutral, stonewalling is mostly a male phenomenon.

Indeed, men account for 85% of stonewalling cases. Why is it more men? Stonewalling Explained Through Evolution The reason why men are kings of stonewalling harches back to evolution, explains John Gottman in one of his best books. Women produce more milk when theyre relaxed and oxytocin flows in the brains. So self soothing during tense situation was advantageous for women. Men instead survived more frequently in the wild when they quickly accessed their fight or flight response -a great state to survive but a terrible one to talk things out-. Still to this day that holds true: men get flooded more quickly and it takes them longer to soothe and relax.

When Stonewalling Spells Relationship Doom Shirley Glass, author of Not Just Friends, says that when wives complain about a lack of emotional intimacy they are still committed to the relationship. But when they start withdrawing and stonewalling, its a sign that they have become discouraged and are giving up. Funny enough, men are happy about female stonewalling in the beginning because they believe the nagging has stopped and they have finally won some respite. But its a false sense of security: female stonewalling is often the sign the relationship is about to end. Why Partners Stonewall There can be different reasons why a partner stonewalls, including: He cant take it anymore (honest flooding) To willingly hurt or win an argument (a power move) Fear or unwillingness to vulnerably engage (avoidant strategy) Feeling of complete powerlessness To avoid further escalation The last one is particularly interesting. Many stonewallers indeed erroneously believe that by withdrawing they are doing their part to make things better.

But they couldnt be farther from the truth. What Stonewalling Does to Relationships When women stonewall, it frustrates men. But when men stonewall, it can truly hurt women. Laboratory studies show that when men stonewall womens heart rate jumps (Levenson & Gottman, 1985). Unbeknownst to most men, stonewalling is emotionally painful for women and damages relationships in the following ways: 1. It Escalates Arguments A partner who refuses to answer can lead the other partner to see their engagement with more and more vehemence.

The result is an escalation of the conflict. And bitter feelings for both: the wife aggresses to reconnect, and he is more and more indignant by her reaction. 2. It Leaves Problems Unsolved Checking out prevents any possible solution to problems and, if anything, it precipitates them and snowballs problems. 3. It Leads to Emotional Disconnection With one partner fails to fully engage there can be no emotional connection.

And emotional connections are the bedrock of good relationships. 4. It Triggers Sense of Hopelessness In her When stonewalling becomes the norm, the couple loses the ability to talk and solve problems. A sense of hopelessness about the relationship sets in, and thats the death of the relationship. Stonewalling Examples In Relationships And here are a few examples of stonewalling in relationships: #1. Spread: The Avoidant Stonewalling Kutcher has a typical avoidant attachment style in the movie Spread.

And like many avoidants, he distances himself from relationships when they start getting too serious. Stonewalling is one of their ways to keep emotional distance: He stonewalls when he leaves. But notice how by avoiding defensiveness when hes under attack he manages to stop the escalation. #2. Spread: Defensive Stonewalling This is an example of stonewalling with a mix of defensiveness and emotional overload. Both the critique and the emotional intensity of I love you were too much for him to handle.

Lets watch: Stonewalling after someone opens up their heart is, needless to say, one of the worst moments to leave. #3. SATC: Emotional Overload This is a more hidden, under the radar example of stonewalling in a relationship. But at the core, he couldnt handle her emotions. Lets see: If anything, this is a sneakier form of stonewalling in relationships. #4. #4.

The Godfather: Aggressive Stonewalling Stonewalling isnt always and necessarily peaceful and quiet. Trying to forcefully stop the conversation is also a form of stonewalling, as exemplified here: Godfather: I dont wanna hear about it. OVER! Maybe not an accident that her first comment after his aggressive stonewalling is I feel no love for you anymore. #5. Blow: When Stonewalling Escalates Arguments Albeit this example is way overblown (excuse the pun) as it involves drug usage, its an example of escalation following stonewalling. 6. 6.

Crazy Stupid Love: Powerless Stonewalling In this example he feels so powerless to listen and engage that he goes out of his way to end the interaction (another pun, sorry :). Now thats some high commitment to stonewalling :). I dont want to overload this post with too many examples, but if youre interested check out again Cal Weaver, later in that same movie he uses another stonewalling technique: pretending not to hear and talking about something else.