Claire Brown - Ring or Fling: The Power Womans Guide to Self-Discovery, Setting Standards, and Dating with Confidence

Copyright 2020 by Claire Brown

All rights reserved.

Published by PowerWomen Press, LLC

Little Rock, Arkansas

www.PowerWomenPress.com

No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without written permission from the copyright holder or a stated representative. To request permission or for information about bulk purchases, please email: .

This is a work of non-fiction. However, some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of the guilty.

Cover design by WildEagles99 via 99Designs

Book design and production by Alex Head / Draft Lab

ISBN: 978-1-7347956-1-5

Printed in the United States of America

First Edition

For every woman who needs to discoveror rediscoverthe Power Woman within!

And for all who have contributed to my heartbreaks, who have helped me heal during the breakdowns, or who empowered me to have the breakthroughs necessary to help others.

(Dont worry, I havent told all the secrets!)

Contents

The Power of Knowing Who You Are and What You Want

When women have standards, they stand out. They are passionate, they are building successful careers, they know their value, they rely on their villages of other amazing women to lift them up and set them straight, and theyre hotter than the Fourth of Julybecause theyve got confidence rooted in their standards. When they are also singlewell, that just makes them the total package.

Since you picked up this book, Im going to assume you relate. Youre a woman with standards for your work, your home, your appearance. You have standards in just about every area of your life. But let me ask you this: what are your standards for dating?

For many of us, the standards that make us rock stars in our daily lives dont extend to our dating lives. Many of us date by trial and error, without practicing self-care or taking the time to discover ourselves enough to learn what we truly want in a partner. And as a result, we find ourselves going on bad date after bad date with men who dont measure up to what we expect or deserve in our lives. After this continues for a while, it can be tempting to settleaccepting a man who isnt right simply to avoid being alone.

So, how do we find men who do measure up? In the book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man , Steve Harvey spends an entire chapter telling women to get some standards, because its so attractive to a man of quality for a woman to have values. When you care for yourself, set your standards, and stick to them, you become catnip to those men of quality, right? Well, Steve, you may be right, but its not quite that easy.

After I was in the Singlehood for a few years, I matched with a man from another state on a dating app. He was passing through my town, and as soon as we matched, he called me, curious about all things in my world. I always appreciate a conversation, because I need clarity and many times the men do too! Heres how this dialogue went:

Dude: Hey, Claire! Tell me about yourself!

Me: Well, Ive been a real estate broker for over seventeen years, I run a womens platform, I launched a podcast, and Ive written a book. For fun, I like to read, write, and ride my bike.

Dude: Wow! Ugh, thats all pretty intimidating!

This is followed by a long, intimidating silence. (Intimidating for him, to be clear. I think its kind of fun.)

Me: Is it? I mean, it could be if you decide to see it that way. You could view me as a woman who has built her world so much that I dont need a man for anything. Or, you could choose to get excited about everything Ive accomplished! Think of what I could bring into your world!

Theres more silence as the dude continues to be intimidated.

Me: You can be intimidated, but thats your choice. Listen, I hate to cut this short, but Im at my next appointment. Ill send you a couple of podcasts to listen to that may give you some clarity on me.

Dude: Ok, that is another way to look at it. Ill give them a listen. Have a great day!

I sent the dude my PowerWomen podcast episode about dating standards, and I never heard from him again. So much for standards leading to instant catnip status!

I wont lie to you: it can be disappointing when we uphold our standards and find ourselves getting shut down. But let me tell you this: women like you and me are to be celebrated, and anyone who is intimidated by us is not the right fit. If hes not up to the challenge, hes not a man of quality. With the trifecta of beauty, brains, and success, we often arent single for long (unless its by choice), and if we are, its likely because weve failed to define one of two things:

1. Our own worth
2. What exactly were looking for in a partner

As soon as we discern these two pieces (in this order), we can learn to identify when a potential partner brings equal or higher value to the table, and we can find men who meet our standards. Thats why Ive used the diamond motif throughout this book. Its not about getting the ring; its about strength and worthour own and what we seek to find in others.

When I was in a difficult marriage and heading into a divorce, my father gave me some of the best advice: Darlin, he said, if you trade in one model with one set of problems, youre just going to get another model with a different set of problems. So, you might as well deal with the set you got. These words seemed so cynical at first. Why would I stay in an unhappy marriage for fear of not finding anything better? I may have been too damn nave, but I thought dating would be easy. As a budding PowerWoman, I was a catch, right?

Of course, when I started dating, my daddys words became crystal clear. I hadnt been out there since high school, and my marriage hadnt taught me much about my own value or what I wanted in a partner. I quickly learned just how difficult dating can be, and I realized if I went into the search for a new partner with the same expectations and assumptions Id brought into my marriage, I was going to wind up in similarly mismatched relationships over and over and over. My daddy was right: simply trading one for another wasnt going to do me any good. There was no way settling for my marriage was the right choicefor myself, my husband, or our childrenso he wasnt entirely on point. But if I wanted to attract a newer, better model of a partner, I had to work on myself first. I had to learn my value, set my standards, and define exactly what I wanted a relationship to look like.

But how do we determine our value? How do we know what kind of partner will meet our standards? And, more importantly, are we ready for him when he shows up at our door? Thats the real strugglepreparing ourselves to attract the partners we want by building our own strength and confidence. When you bring that kind of power to your dating lifewhen youre clear about what you value in others, what your personal standards are, and what you want in your relationshipsyoull find what youre looking for a lot faster. And thats the challenge I hope this book will help you overcome.

My singlehood journey wasnt like anyone elses Id seen, and it still isnt. Thats a good thing. The journey looks different for each of us. But that doesnt mean we need to go it alone. Over the last five years, Ive talked with at least three hundred womenwomen in their twenties and women in their sixtiesabout their romantic lives. Listening to stories about their dating journeyswhich have been so different from each others and from minehas taught me that, though every experience is different, there is one common denominator: we are all continually learning about ourselves and refining our dating standards. As Ive talked with these women and lived out my own experiences, I started asking myself the same questions over and over again: What would I tell my twenty-five-year-old self now? What if I could have used what I now know to empower myself back then? How can the lessons Ive learned help other womenat every age and in every stage of the Singlehood journeyunderstand just how valuable they are and just how powerful they can be?