Alison James - I Used To Miss Him...But My Aim Is Improving: Not Your Ordinary Breakup Survival Guide

An insightful manual written by an authority in this field.

Authors ex

I really wish I wasnt dating her. Im probably going to marry her just because Im afraid of what might happen if I call it off.

Authors boyfriend

She learned from the best. This book really pulls together generations of knowledge from the biggest lady-squawkers Ive ever known.

Authors grandfather

I couldnt put it down. Im thrilled to know there are other women out there just like me.

L. Bobbit

I Used to Miss Him...
But My Aim Is Improving

Not Your Ordinary Breakup Survival Guide

Alison James

Adams Media
Avon, Massachusetts

Copyright 2004 by Alison James.
All rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced
in any form without permission from the publisher; exceptions
are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

Published by
Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc.
57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.
www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN 13: 978-1-59337-011-4
ISBN 10: 1-59337-011-3
eISBN: 978-1-44051-908-6
Printed in the United States of America.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
James, Alison.
I used to miss him, but my aim is improving / Alison James.
p. cm.
ISBN 1-59337-011-3
1. Man-woman relationships. 2. Interpersonal relations.
3. Interpersonal communication. I. Title.
HQ801.J278 2004
646.7'7dc22
2003022942

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the
American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their products are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and Adams Media was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed in initial capital letters.

Cover illustration by Mike Lary.

This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases.
For information, call 1-800-289-0963.

To women everywhere:
May your exes cause you only a fraction of the pain that you cause them.

Acknowledgments

I would like to thank everyone who has worked so hard to put this book together, particularly Danielle Chiotti, my editor, for her patience, enthusiasm, and tireless effort; Paul S. Levine, the fastest agent in the West, for giving me a go and selling like a fiend. I would also like to extend my gratitude to everyone at Adams Media, the men who put on their girly caps to understand this idea, and the women who convinced them not to run for their lives.

Special thanks to my parents, Shirley and Joseph Hovancik, and my two sisters, Vanessa Shuba and Tina Reno, for surrounding me with plenty of humor always. There are so many other people who have been very helpful and made contributions to this project, particularly: Sarah McDaniel, Kate Brame, Colette Curran, Liz Leo, and Tom McDonoughthanks, guys! Special thanks to Art Vomvas for keeping bankers hours. And last but not least, my love and gratitude go out to Thomas J. Howe for his endless encouragement, support, and sense of humor.

Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned,
Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.

William Congreve, The Mourning Bride,
1697, act III, scene 8

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter One
Face the End with Courage

Dealing Like a Diva

Chapter Two
Lose the Guy, Keep the Jewelry

Peculiar Predicaments

Chapter Three
Grieve-a Like a Diva

Fab and Furious

Chapter Four
Look Sexy, Feel Fabulous

En Vogue Vixen

Chapter Five
Be a Social Starlet

The Rumor Mill

Chapter Six
The Go-Go Goddess

A Major Life Makeover

Chapter Seven
Celebrate the Single Life

Trust in the Universe

Chapter Eight
Dj Vu

The Grand Goodbye

Chapter Nine
The Future Is Yours

Situational Sass

Chapter Ten
Diva Debut

Forever Divalicious

Introduction

Nothing about breaking up with someone is easy, especially when you feel like youre getting the crappy end of the deal. In fact, going through a breakup is arguably one of the most miserable experiences in life, akin to having an arm gnawed off by a large, rabid dog or getting your pant leg stuck in a moving truck when youre biking. Its painful, it comes out of nowhere, and it just plain sucks.

But before you let any guy twist your heart into a knot and pull it out through your nose, remember that every horrible breakup has a bright side. Things really could be worse. At least you didnt stay with him, only to find out years later that he has a lengthy criminal record or the need to experiment with his sexuality. It could happen. Its happened to the best of us. But it is admittedly hard to have such intelligent perspective at the time of a breakup. It is much easier to focus on the fact that the guy is gone (not to be mistaken for gonerthat comes later).

So you wonder what you did wrong, analyze his words and actions, critique your own hair and clothes, and measure yourself against other girls. Or maybe you try to find the one thing you did that drove him away. All the while, a lump in your stomach grows and you contemplate trying to suffocate it with chocolate fudge sundaes. The pain is a constant distraction. You find yourself taking your pajama bottoms to the dry cleaner or letting the iron burn a hole through the board. Your mind is always somewhere else, dealing with the shock of losing him. You finally decide that if you can just find a large quilt and cut a space in it where someone can shove food in with a spoon, you can feasibly hide in bed for the rest of your life.

Then someone calls, your sister or a friend, and says, Come on now. Youll get over him. He wasnt right for you anyway. Then another chipper person follows up with, You are so pretty and smart. Clearly, theres something wrong with him. You feel better temporarily and think, Theyre right. I am far too good for the major-loser scumbag. Then, alone at night in your room, your emotions swing the other way and your tears return for an encore. Day after day, week after week, you love him, then hate him. You want him back, then want to kill him. Your emotions take you on an up-and-down roller coaster rideoff the track, onto the fairgrounds, and right over the wires holding up his Ferris wheel car. Woops. Rides are so dangerous.

The Greek goddess Hormonia now rules your days. You start to feel like an emotional nut job, even though in reality youre just going through the standard breakup fareshock, tears, rage, and the urge to pull a few saucy maneuvers. Maybe you want to call your ex at 3 A.M. and then hang up on him, have friends from out of town prank him so he cant trace the call back to you, or wait outside his apartment in an obscure location to see if he is going on dates with other girls. Maybe you feel a little more creative, so you think about writing him venomous notes or e-mails spilling out your feelings. Or perhaps you simply want to dump the poor guys brand-new container of orange juice down the sink the next time hes sick. As mild as these gestures are, you still cant help but think, Maybe I do go a little bit overboard at times. Maybe Im psycho after all.