Sussman - The breakup bible: the wise womans guide to healing from a break up or divorce

Copyright 2011 by Rachel Sussman

All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Three Rivers Press, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group,
a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
www.crownpublishing.com

THREE RIVERS PRESS and the Tugboat design are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.

Phenomenal Woman from AND STILL I RISE by
Maya Angelou, copyright 1978 by Maya Angelou.
Used by permission of Random House, Inc.

Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available from the Library of Congress

eISBN: 978-0-307-88510-4

Illustrations by randomway/Veer
Cover design by Alison Forner

v3.1

For Gary

and Isabelle

with love and gratitude

I f you have experienced the ending of a romantic relationship, you are not alone. Every day women all over the world suffer from debilitating breakups or divorces. In a split second the life you know evaporates. The pain can feel agonizing, all-encompassing, and eternal. Many describe that the actual breakup and ensuing weeks feel like an out-of-body experience. I often hear women exclaim, This cant be happening to me! Along with the suffering comes a roller coaster of complex feelings: embedded grief, abandonment and fear, guilt, monstrous rage. Ive witnessed completely healthy people behave insanely when they have been rejected.

Right now you may be thinking that your life will never get better and that you cant live without your ex. Im here to tell you that life does get better, and not only can you live without him, but in time youll see that it is even possible to thrive. Thriving can entail creating an entirely new and healthier life for yourself, including regaining trust, self-confidence, and love. This book gives you the evidence to believe that and the tools to make it happen. So please keep an open mind and allow me to lead you out of your sorrow and into a much improved state.

Through the process of loving and losing we have the capacity to learn tremendous life lessons. When viewed wisely and with insight we learn who we are as individuals and as partners. We gain knowledge about what we did correctly, and when were astute, we learn where we erred. We come away from the experience fuller and wiser. Although breakups can feel unbearable, we dont die from them. The old adage If it doesnt kill you it will make you stronger is definitely true in this circumstance. The most interesting humans are multifaceted, having experienced pleasure and pain. They have survived, and so can you.

Many factors inspired me to write this book. Breakups and divorces are one of the biggest reasons that people come to me for therapy. Over the past several years I have witnessed the demise of lengthy relationships affecting close friends, relatives, and clients. I was moved by their suffering, and incredibly inspired by their strength as they slowly regained their lives and eventually recovered. I too am quite familiar with the unbearable sadness that comes when a relationship ends. Regrettably, I spent too many years nursing a continually broken heart after several failed long-term relationships. I made decisions that werent always in my best interest, that chipped away at my self-esteem, and that kept me in a state of suspended melancholy. Never once did I stop to evaluate my behavior or see that there were other ways to live my life.

One day a close male friend sat me down and said, Rachel, you are such a great girl and have so much to offer. I scratch my head wondering why you are constantly dating toxic men when so many nice guys ask you out. I really hope you can figure this out, because I am worried about you. I trusted this friendhe was kind and mature (the type of guy I never would have dated back then) and we really understood each other. After our talk, I suspected that I had some issues that needed tending when it came to romance. That conversation was the catalyst for what eventually would become my change and growth.

I strongly believe that anyone can alter undesirable feelings and behaviors and completely turn his or her life around. You simply need two components: the wish for change and the motivation to do something about it. Sometimes it takes a crisis to get us to contemplate the opportunity for resurrection, and thats how it happened for me. I committed to figuring out what was interfering with my ability to have a successful love connection. I immediately stopped dating and spent a solid year in counseling, meticulously examining my entire life to search for answers. As difficult as this work was (and believe me, it was tough), I trusted that it was a huge chance for me to come to a place of great understanding, strength, and growth. My work eventually paid off and I was finally able to connect the dots and see what had transpired in my earlier life that was driving my less-than-stellar dating track record. From that moment on, I fully committed to an entirely new way of datingand living. I would not be here today as a happily married womanand an expert on breakups and divorcesif I didnt put in my time to take a revealing look at myself and pledge to learning new and healthier behaviors. I am now going to take you on a journey to teach you everything that I learned plus so much more. I cant wait to watch your sorrow turn into spectacular growth, as did mine.

Once I began my initial research for this book, I discovered a few common themes shared by the women I spoke to:

• They were ready to begin a journey of personal recovery, and requested the advice, tools, and support needed to make it happen.
• They wanted an intelligent and realistic resourcesuch as a bookfor women that deals with both the emotional havoc caused by the ending of a relationship and how to recover and move on.
• All were eager to hear tales about other women who had been through similar situations and recovered.

I seriously pondered these valuable comments. Women were telling me exactly what they were lacking and what resources they needed to recover.

I started meeting with women who had been through difficult breakups or divorces and had survived their ordeals in impressive ways. I then started sharing their stories with others in earlier stages of recovery. Upon hearing these narratives, women reported feeling comforted, validated, and vindicated. One declared, This is the first day Ive felt better in months after I read her a tale with similarities to her own.

I had identified the power of shared experience. Just as with addiction, sexual abuse, or physical illness, when a person who is suffering hears from someone who has gone through what shes going through and has come out the other side, she feels understood and encouraged. She feels compassion and validation from a healing community.