Bradley Gerstman - What Men Want: Three Professional Single Men Reveal to Women What It Takes to Make a Man Yours

Chapter One
Inside the Mind and Heart of the Professional Man

Have you ever wondered why a man cheats on the woman he loves? Or why, after having passionate sex, he bolts out the door like a track star? Why a man doesnt enjoy talking about the Relationship"? And why he has so much trouble saying I love you? Have you ever considered whether you should offer to pay for something on a date? Or whether having sex too soon could sink a relationship? Why wouldnt a guy call after what appeared to be a great first date? And is playing hard to get really worth the effort?

When women ask these questions, mens lips are usually sealed. When it comes to revealing their emotions toward womenwhether vulnerability, ambivalence, or delight men usually adhere to a code of silence and appear indifferent. Men are not indifferent. Beneath that silent, tough exterior, he is a human being as fragile and vulnerable as you are. In What Men Want, we break the male code of silence and reveal whats behind that macho facade.

We are three single, professional menBrads a lawyer, Chris is an accountant, and Rich is a doctorand our book provides the road map to the hearts and minds of professional men. Our advice is not written by someone outside the dating scene looking in. Nor is it a list of old-fashioned, outdated rules recorded by women who claim to know what men want. We are men speaking directly to a woman, having that conversation her boyfriend usually avoids. We open up and speak honestlywithout pulling punchesabout how men think and feel, how we act and react.

Some readers will be shocked. We dont camouflage the fragility of mens egos. We dont soften the rawness of mens sex drive. Knowing the realitynot the idealof what men want can free women to make better decisions in their love relationships. Knowing the truth about men can help women stop being hurt by the men who dont love them, and can help them keep the men who do.

As three bachelors who have been in loveand are experienced in the dating scenewere struck by how often the opposite sexes get their signals crossed. Men and women just cant read each other right. The magnitude of the problem hit us one summer when we shared a beach house with a diverse group of single women. While sitting around the pool, walking on the beach, or having a few drinks before hitting the town, conversation inevitably turned to relation-ships. Our women friends confided in us their troubles with the men they were dating, and we found ourselves explaining how men think and feel.

Our friends asked us to be frank with themand we were. We told them the ugly truth when it seemed clear they were being blown off, manipulated, or used in their relationships. We also helped them see when their men might be holding back out of insecurity and fear rather than lack of love or desire. We discussed everything from giving out their phone numbers to casual dating, from sex to commitment. Our women friends told us that our summer of talk helped them gain a fresh perspective on why men act as they do. Their newfound understanding of men helped them to improve their good relationships and discard their bad ones.

What surprised us was that they found our information so startling and new, so eye-opening. To us, it just seemed like common sense. We know how guys brains work. We know what mens hopes and expectations are. But our female friends were shocked and amazedeven doubtfulat first. Our knowledge of what works with men didnt always fit with what they thought would work. And what we advised didnt always match what their girlfriends and mothers recommended.

Then they realized that we were exactly the kinds of guys they were dating. They were in relationships with stockbrokers and engineers, lawyers and doctorsprofessional men just like us. They knew they could trust and rely on our reading of their boyfriends points of view. So our women friends started putting our advice to work. And you know what? Immediately, their love lives started to improve.

Knowing what men want helped them maximize the happiness and minimize the pain of their love relationships. And at the end of that summer, during a farewell to summer Labor Day dinner, our women friends suggested we write a book. Get the information out, they told us. Women need it.

All our advice follows one simple principle: Weed out Mr. Wrong, nurture Mr. Right. Let us explain. We have found from our own dating experience, and from what our women friends tell usthat too many women get stuck in relation-ships going nowhere. If this happens to you, just follow our advice about how to weed out Mr. Wrong and youll save yourself some time and protect yourself from unnecessary pain. Many women alsowithout meaning toruin a good thing and end up alienating the men who do love them. If you worry that you might be driving away the man you love, read carefully what we say about nurturing Mr. Right.

Who is Mr. Wrong, anyway? Hes the guy who strings you along with no intention of getting serious. Hes the guy whos wasting your precious time. Our friend Valerie needed help in weeding out Mr. Wrong. She had been dating a guy for two months. They were sleeping together, and she was falling in love with him but she worried that he didnt feel as serious about her as she felt about him. She asked us what we thought.

We asked her a few key questions to determine whether he considered her a good for now girl or a woman with wife potential. You see, when a man starts dating a woman, he immediately determines which category she fits inand treats her accordingly. And a mans behavior is a dead give-away to whether he is serious about a woman or just stringing her along.

Did she see him on weekends or just weekdays? Were their conversations always short and not too profound or did they have conversations about serious things? Did they ever talk about the future? Had she met his parents? Did he phone in advance for dates or did he often call after midnight wanting to come over right away and have sex? Her answers made it clear where she stood with him. We advised her that if she was looking for marriageand not just some funto drop him, because she was one of many women on his dating list. He was treating her like a good for now girl. And she would never be anything more to him.

The situation was different with Anna. She needed to nurture her relationship with Mr. Right. She and her boyfriend had been dating for a year and were clearly in love. But she was frustrated because she wanted to speed things up and get married already! That was how she put it. How could she get him to pop the question? What in the world could she do?

Well, after talking for a while it became clear to us that her boyfriend had actually been gearing up for the final count-down to asking her to marry him. Like many women, she was freaking out because he was taking so long to get to the point. Unfortunately, her pressure was forcing him to clam up! Her need to know and her desire to talk about the relationship all the time had even driven him to stop saying I love you.

We told Anna to relax, stop hounding him, and let love take its course naturally. Things could be speeded along, but not by pressuring him. If she wanted that engagement ring, the best thing for her to do was be all the things he loved her for in the first place. If he liked her cooking, then she should cook for him. If he liked her easygoing, cheerful self, then she should be happy and cheerful with him. If he loved her in sexy lingerie, she should go out and buy some more. That was in May. By August, her new, relaxed attitude had allowed