Lowndes - Goodbye to shy: 85 shybusters that work!

Dear Leil,

I have struggled with shyness all of my life, feeling like Im marching to a different drummer than most of the world. I couldnt understand why many of my schoolmates and coworkers enjoyed talking with lots of people and spending large amounts of time visiting when I preferred just one or two close friends, more intimate settings, and deeper conversation. I couldnt figure out why I would rather remain in the background and think about a topic before speaking, while others would vocalize their thoughts without restraint. I couldnt fathom how people who became my closest and dearest friends would later tell me that they thought I was cold or aloof upon first impression but realized I was anything but after they got to know me. I was very intelligent, always an honors student, and later an excellent businessperson, and I truly liked people. But I couldnt seem to get the hang of the whole socializing bit. I wondered if something was wrong with me.

I began the process of self-discovery and research several years ago, and Im convinced more than ever that shyness is a symptom and introversion is the source. Introversion is not a diseasequite the contrarybut it can certainly be viewed as a handicap in an extroverted world.

In order to be effective in my job (Im in a very extroverted job that involves talking to people most of the day), Ive learned a number of things that have helped me to accept and manage my introversion.

Nothing is wrong with me. I have lots to offer to others because Im an introvert, and I cannot, and should not, change who I am. But I can become more effective in my interactions with others.

I have learned to be extroverted if needed. If I anticipate a period of extroversion that involves a difficult discussion or confrontation, I will often rehearse it mentally or in writing. However, I must schedule a counterbalance (quiet and solace) following times of extroversion in order to recharge my batteries.

I must assess the audience with which I am interacting and adapt my behavior accordingly when dealing with an extrovert. I should not expect the extrovert to adapt to me. I adapt to them to communicate better.

I will place myself in situations that require me to strengthen my weak extroversion muscle. For example, I volunteer for leadership positions for which I am uncomfortable in order to develop more expertise in dealing with others. I force myself to speak up in meetings rather than sitting by passively.

I look for tips and techniques to help me feel at ease making the small talk that extroverts enjoy. When the necessity arises, I can become a pseudoextrovert. Much to my pleasure, once I get the conversation started, the extrovert will typically do the majority of talking. Because I genuinely like people, I listen and appreciate that Ive gotten to know someone better or made a new friend. I would have missed out on that opportunity if I did not make the first approach.

I encourage my childrens extroversion even though it is uncomfortable at times. However, I also try to teach them to be sensitive to the introverts in their lives, like their mother, and to recognize that a persons need for times of solitude is just another way of approaching life.

Thank you for your work in this area. Ive gained so much from reading your materials and look forward with anticipation to your new book on shyness.

Cheryl Mostrom

The following questions will help you learn to know yourself better.

. What is an ideal relationship to me?

. What do I think about most when Im just standing in a queue?

. What are my qualities Im most proud of? Least proud of?

. If I won the lottery, what would I do with the money?

. What was the last argument I had? Why? What good points did the other person have?

. What do I like about children in general and what dont I like about them?

. Physically, what do I feel are my best features? My worst?

. What cause or charity is the most important to me?

. What is honor to me? Am I honorable?

. Who is the God of my understanding?

. What is my definition of success for me? Am I successful?

. What influence did my parents have on me? Siblings? Other relatives?

. If I had only a few months to live, how would I spend them?

. What does art mean to the world? To me?

. Do I think most people lie a little? A lot?

. Who is my best friend? Why?

. Am I a morning, afternoon, or night person? How do I feel in each part of the day?

. If I could live in any era, which would it be? Why?

. What does loyalty mean to me? Am I a loyal person?

. How do I believe the universe was created?

. What do I think is our countrys influence around the world? Is that influence good?

. What do I see my life being like when I am very old?

. How do I feel about industrial air pollution versus progress?

. What do I most like about my job? Least like?

. If I could afford to collect anything, what would I collect?

. What do I think happens after death?

. What is my favorite film? Television show? Why?

. If I could live in any city in the world except mine, which would it be?

. How do I feel about whats happening in the environment now?

. What do I think is the cause of most relationships failing?

. Are things in life predestined? Do we have completely free will?

. What really gets me angry? Why?

. What do I think the future of the computer is? The Web?

. What makes a leader? Am I a leader?

. What are my favorite books? Who are my favorite authors? Why?

. Do I prefer living in the city or the country? Why?

. What public figure, past or present, do I admire most?

. Whom do I admire most in my personal life?

. How do I define spirituality? Am I a spiritual person?

. What are my Top-10 favorite websites? Why?

. How do I feel about animal testing if it is used to create a product to help humans?

. Did I have a happy childhood?

. What do I think the human brain is capable of?

. If I won a ticket to travel anywhere in the world, where would I go? Why?

. If I could be famous, what would I want to be famous for?

. Whats really important to me? Family? Job? Community? Other?

. What are my favorite foods? Least favorite? Am I a good cook?

. What is my favorite song? Singer? Band? Why?

. Whats the best thing about being the age I am? The worst?

. How are kids growing up with the Internet going to be different from previous generations?

. What is my opinion of my hometowns most popular newspaper?

. What three things would I like to change about me?

. What is my worst fear?

. Should couples live together before marriage? Why?

. Can I tell if somebody is lying? How?

. Do I procrastinate too much? If so, on what and why?

. How do I feel about meditation?

. Do children need both a mother and a father to grow up healthy?

. If I could change just one thing in my life, what would it be?

. What are my dreams like? Do they mean anything?

. What relevance do the ancient philosophers have for todays way of life?

. How do I feel about school reunions?

. Do I have any limiting patterns? If so, what could I do to change them?

. What role does music play in my life?

. How do I feel about television violence? Sex?

. Am I a dog person or a cat person, or do I prefer any other animal as pets?

. How do I feel about the institution of marriage in general?

. How do I feel about marriage for me? Will it/has it been good?

. Am I superstitious? If so, about whatand why?