Ebbutt - Donts for Wives

Originally published 1913
Republished 2007
Reprinted 2007 (seven times)
Reprinted 2008 (three times)
Reprinted 2009 (three times)
Reprinted 2010

by A & C Black Publishers Limited
36 Soho Square, London W1D 3QY
www.acblack.com

eISBN: 978-1-40813-352-1

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available
from the British Library.

Printed by WKT Company Ltd, China

Table of Contents

DONTS
FOR WIVES

DONTS
FOR WIVES

BY
BLANCHE EBBUTT

LONDON
A. & C. BLACK, LTD.

1913

[All rights reserved]

Art is a hard mistress, and there is no art quite so hard as that of being a wife.

So many women exhaust their artistic power in getting married, which is, after all, a comparatively easy business. It takes a perfect artist to remain married married in the perfect sense of the term; but most of us have to be content to muddle through.

Imagine a girl called upon without a single lesson to produce a tune a lot of tunes in fact, one never-ending succession of harmonies from the most difficult instrument in the world. Note that the instrument not only gets grumpy in cold weather and skittish in the spring not only slacks or breaks its strings with every change of temperature but becomes tempestuous over a tight shoe, broody over an out-of-date egg, and cross, sulky, or mirthful for reasons that no sane woman can understand.

That is what the average wife has to reckon with; and if she intends to play the game humiliating as some may think it HE will loom largely on the horizon all her life.

I hope she may find it worthwhile to take a few hints from an old hand.

BLANCHE EBBUTT.

DONT think that there is any satisfactory substitute for love between husband and wife. Respect and esteem make a good foundation, but they wont do alone.

Dont be surprise, if you have married for money, or position, or fame, that you get only money, or position, or fame; love cannot be bought.

Dont think that, because you have married for love, you can never know a moments unhappiness. Life is not a bed of roses, but love will help to extract the thorns.

Dont expect life to be all sunshine. Besides, if there are no clouds, you will lose the opportunity of showing your husband what a good chum you can be.

Dont look at the black side of the cloud. It is only a shadow cast by the silver lining.

Dont lose heart when life seems hard. Look forward to the corner you are bound to turn soon, and point it out to your husband.

Dont moralise by way of winning back the love that seems to be waning. Make yourself extra charming and arrange delicious dinners which include all your husbands favourite dishes.

Dont put showy qualities before honesty and uprightness in your husband.

Dont despise sound common sense because he doesnt indulge in brilliant inspirations.

Dont expect your husband to have all the feminine virtues as well as all the masculine ones. There would be nothing left for you if your other half were such a paragon.

Dont be troubled because your husband is not an Adonis. Beauty is only skin deep and the cleverest men are rarely the handsomest, judged by ordinary standards.

Dont worry about little faults in your husband which merely amused you in your lover. If they were not important then, they are not important now. Besides, what about yours?

Dont put on airs with your husband. If you cant be natural with him, you shouldnt have married him.

Dont expect your husband to be an angel. You would get very tired of him if he were.

Dont boast of your husbands money or birth or cleverness to your friends. It is nearly as bad as boasting of your own.

Dont tell all your women friends of your husbands faults, but

Dont din his perfections into the ears of every woman you meet. Be satisfied to enjoy them.

Dont interpret too literally the obey of the Marriage Service. Your husband has no right to control your individuality.

Dont be discontented and think your husband not manly because he happens to be short and thin, and not very strong. Manliness is not a purely physical quality.

Dont take your husband at his own valuation, but at yours. He may be unduly modest, or just a little too cocksure.

Dont expect a man to see everything from a womans point of view. Try to put yourself in his place for a change.

Dont advise your husband on subjects of which you are, if anything, rather more ignorant than he.

Dont try to model your husband on some other womans husband. Let him be himself and make the best of him.

Dont let your husband feel that you are a dear little woman, but no good intellectually. If you find yourself getting stale, wake up your brain. Let there be nothing your husband can talk about that you will be unable to understand.

Dont profess to care nothing about politics. Any man who is worth his salt does care, and many men learn to despise women as a whole because their wives take such an unintelligent attitude.

Dont set your husband up on a pedestal and then cry when you find that he is only an ordinary man, after all.

Dont be talked down by your husband when you want to express your views on any subject. You have a right to be heard.

Dont be rude to people whom you dislike, or your husband will have just cause to be ashamed of you. Politeness costs nothing.

Dont expect to know your husband inside and out within a month of marriage. For a long time you will be making discoveries; file them for future reference.

Dont vegetate as you grow older if you happen to live in the country. Some women are like cows, but there is really no need to stagnate. Keep both brain and body on the move.

Dont consent to be treated as a child who cannot be expected to take any responsibility. Insist on hearing bad news as well as good. You did not marry your husband to be wrapped in cotton wool and put away in a glass case; you married him to be the partner of his joys and sorrows.

Dont omit to pay your husband an occasional compliment. If he looks nice as he comes in dressed for the opera, tell him so. If he has been successful with his chickens, or his garden, or his photography, compliment him on his results. Dont let him have to fall back on self-esteem all the while for want of a little well-directed praise.

Dont pose as a helpless creature who can do nothing for herself; dont drag your husband away from his office to see you across a street; dont profess to be unable to understand Bradshaw, or to take a journey alone. It is true that the weak, clinging wife is often a favourite, but she is equally often a nuisance.

Dont live on top of a spiritual mountain. Try to be

a creature
Not too bright and good,
For human natures daily food,

As Wordsworth has it.

Dont forget to wish your husband good-morning when he sets off to the office. He will feel the lack of your good-bye kiss all day.

Dont brood; that way madness lies. Dont hesitate, if you catch yourself brooding, to take a day off in the best way you can. Go out and gossip with your friend; get to a theatre where there is a play that will make you laugh; or try a concert or a cinema show anything that will take you out of yourself. Take the brooding habit in time before it gets too strong a hold of you.

Dont stop at that. Half the brooding and half the ill-humour in the world are due to foolish feeding. The woman who broods probably does not trouble about the meals when her husband is away doesnt have a decent repast at midday, but some bread and butter, or pastries and a cup of tea; or perhaps she eats too much meat. Three, or even two, meat meals a day tend to make the world look very black to the middle aged. The ever-flowing teapot is as bad.