Lance Rubin - Crying Laughing

No one knows how funny I am.

Well, thats not entirely true. My dad, and sometimes my mom, and my best friends, Leili and Azadeh, know.

And I know.

But no one else.

Definitely no one in school, where successful humor tends to involve farts.

Im not knocking fart humor, but I recognize it is but one color in the comedy rainbow. For many people at my school, however, it is one of just three primary comedy colors, the other two being sex humor (e.g., pretend-humping in the hallway) and mean humor (e.g., pulling away someones chair as they sit down), which isnt even humor so much as an excuse to be an asshole.

Anyway, if a joke falls in the forest and no ones there to hear it, it does not make a sound, so sometime in the middle of last year, I stopped saying my funny thoughts aloud. Its like giving your finest, most expensive jewelry to your hamster. Guess what? That hamster does not give a flying eff about carats.

(He might, however, care a great deal about carrots.)

(Ha-cha!)

(Im sorry. I am aware puns are, in many ways, no better than fart jokes, but theres a long tradition of really smart comedy writers appreciating puns in a manner that is half ironic, half sincereand that is the way I appreciate them.)

So, yeah, when it comes to my sense of humor, most of the people in school are hamsters, which is why its incredibly surprising that just now, on the second day of my sophomore year, I seem to have made Evan Miller laugh.

Ha, thats hilarious, he says, standing next to me, our lunch trays balanced on the metal rack of the cafeteria line, as his less sophisticated friend Tim Stabisch looks on like Wait, seriously? Was it?

I should mention: Evan Miller is, by many accounts (not mine), the funniest guy in school. Hes a junior, and though our interactions have been minimal, Ive had quite a bit of time to become familiar with his comedic stylings, as I assistant-directed last years production of Arsenic and Old Lace, in which Evan played the brother who believes hes Teddy Roosevelt and is always maniacally charging up the stairs of the house. And yes, Evan was truly hilarious in that play, mainly because he was so confident and committed to the role. As my dad has said, The secret to being successful in comedy is confidence. Thats, like, ninety percent of it right there. And Evan Miller has that, so I understand why his comedic reputation has soared.

Now, does he possess the other ten percent of the formula, which includes having a smart, interesting perspective on the world around him? Not so much.

Though its possible Ive underestimated him, because he did just laugh at the thing I said moments ago (which was not a pun or a fart joke). I was standing in the lunch line by myself when this happened:

EVAN (next to me in line the whole time, though I hadnt acknowledged him because I assumed he had no idea who I was): Hey, you worked on the play last year, right?

ME: I did.

EVAN: Winnie, right?

ME (surprised he knows my name): Oh. Yeah. And youre(I pretend I dont know his name, I have no idea why.)

EVAN (slightly disappointed): Evan.

ME: Right! Evan, yeah. You were really funny in the play. (I felt bad that Id pretended not to know his name, which is why I gave him a compliment.)

EVAN (perking up again): Oh, thanks! (inexplicably going into stereotypical California girl voice) Thats, like, totally cool of you to say.

ME (unconvincingly): Ha.

PEARL THE LUNCH LADY (to me): Chicken or vegetable?

ME: Wait, what is it?

PEARL: Stir-fry. Chicken or vegetable.

ME: Oh. Chicken, please.

(PEARL slops stir-fry onto my tray.)

ME: Thanks. (looking to Evan) She and I go way back, thats why she hooks me up with the good stuff.

EVAN (laughing): Ha, thats hilarious.

TIM: Huh?

And there you have it. Evan is laughing at something I said. I dont even know why I said it.

Tim, trying his best to keep up, asks, Wait, did she just give you extra chicken?

Yes, I say, even though she obviously gave me the same amount she gives everyone. But dont feel bad, thats only because we were platoon mates in Vietnam. I saved her life. Twice.

Evan laughs harder, and Tim is more confused. I want extra chicken too, he says. They never give enough.

Youre really funny, Evan tells me. You should join Improv Troupe. We always need new funny people.

This catches me off guard. I mean, hes rightI saw the improv troupe perform a couple of times last year and they could probably use my helpbut its a foreign and delightful feeling to have someone who isnt me recognize that. Unfortunately, I retired from performing two and a half years ago after a traumatic incident at my bat mitzvah. Nevertheless, Im flattered.

Oh yeah, I say. Maybe.

First meeting of the year is tomorrow. After school.

Pearl, back from replacing an empty serving dish, asks Evan, Chicken or vegetable? He opts for vegetable, which surprises me, then turns back to me as Im grabbing a rice pudding and walking away. Seriously, think about it. Youll have even more fun than you did in Nam!

Thats not possible, I say. Nam was a blast.

Evan cracks up harder, and I try to hide my smile.

Maybe I should join Improv Troupe.