Donohue - The Best Joke Book Period: Hundreds of the Funniest, Silliest, Most Ridiculous Jokes Ever

Avon, Massachusetts

Stop me if youve heard this one before.

Knock-knock.

How many politicians does it to take to... ?

A guy walks into a bar.

While some jokes arent for everyone, everyone loves a laugh.

And what better way to elicit some giggles than by sharing a good joke? Having some funny jokes up your sleeve can prove handy on any number of occasions. Jokes can help break the ice at parties, pass the time between business meetings, and even help impress a first date. Who doesnt love a quick wit and a sharp tongue? But if youre lacking in those qualities, dont fret. Thats what these jokes are for!

Welcome to the wonderful world of jokesa skill, an art, a way of life as old as time itself. Historians have traced jokes back as far as 1900 B.C. in ancient Sumer. And what did they laugh about in ancient times? You guessed itthe old standby of bathroom humor. Some things will always be a gas, it seems. But a good joke is hard to come by! Luckily for you, were here to pull together a broad range of funny stuff so you have an arsenal of jokes at your disposal.

So whether youre looking to add a few jokes to your repertoire, improve your banter, or stockpile funny fodder for daily life, this is the book for you. Everyone knows a joke or two, but The Best Joke Book (Period) will give you a joke for every situation!

So pull up a chair and start learning some one-liners, quips, cracks, ribs, and yarns. Nows the time to get serious about jokingno funny business.

Theyre with us through thick and thineven when we wish they werent! Brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, cousins, and so on. These are the people who were there from the beginning and the people we will grow old with. Enjoy these jokes at the expense of your own flesh and blood!

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.

A man pulls over to the side of the road after a police cruiser flashes him to do so. How long have you been riding around without a taillight? asked the officer. Oh, no! screamed the man, jumping out of the car. Wait til my family finds out! Wheres your family? the officer asked. Theyre in the trailer that was hitched to the car!

I was the kid next doors imaginary friend. EMO PHILIPS

A man in the grocery store notices a woman with a three-year-old girl in her cart. As they pass the cookie section, the little girl screams for cookies. The mother says, Now Missy, we only have a few more aisles to godont throw a fit. It wont be long. In the candy aisle, the little girl whines for candy. The mother says, There, there, Missy, dont cry. Two more aisles, and well be checking out. When they get to the checkout stand, the little girl howls for gum. The mother says, reassuringly, Missy, well be done in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze. In the parking lot, the man stops the woman to compliment her. I couldnt help noticing how patient you were with little Missy, he says. The mother sighs, Oh, nomy little girls name is Francine. Im Missy.

The odd thing about parenting is that by the time you are experienced at your job, you are unemployed.

A mother traveled across the country to watch her only son get married and graduate from the air force on the exact same day. Thank you for coming, the son said. It means so much. Of course Id be here, the mother replied. Its not every day a mom watches her son get his wings and have them clipped all in one day.

A family takes a trip to Disney World. After seven exhausting days, they head home. As they drive away, the son waves out the window and says, Goodbye, Mickey. The daughter waves and says, Goodbye, Minnie. Dad waves and cries, Goodbye, money.

Sarah watches as her mother tries on an expensive fur coat in a high-end department store. Do you realize, Sarah says, that some poor, dumb animal had to suffer just for you to wear that coat? Sarahs mother turns to her and snaps, Think about how much Ive suffered! And dont call your father an animal.

Passing through his sons college town late one night, a father decides to drop in and pay his kid a visit. The father knocks on the fraternity house door. No one answers. He knocks louder, but still no answer. He begins to bang angrily on the door. Finally, a head pops out of a window on the second floor. You need something, pal? a frat brother asks from the window.

Yes, does Billy Powers live here? the father asks.

Yeah, says the frat brother, just dump him on the steps and well grab him in the morning.

Then we figured out we could just park them in front of the TV; thats how I was raised and I turned out TV. HOMER SIMPSON

A dad was trying to teach his kid about the evils of drinking. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water survived, but the worm in the whiskey curled up and died almost immediately. All right, kid, the father began, what does this little experiment prove to you about drinking?

Well, the kid replied thoughtfully, it proves that if a person drinks alcohol he probably wont get worms.

A guy calls 911 in a panic. My wife is having a baby! Her contractions are only one minute apart!

Calm down, the 911 operator says. Is this her first child?

No, you idiot! the guy shouts. This is her husband!

How is a computer like a grandparent? The first thing that goes on both is their memory.