Henry Cloud - Boundaries with Teens

The mistake that Sharon and I both made, and we both agree on this, is we never set any boundaries.

Ozzy Osbourne

CONTENTS

PART ONE

PART TWO

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

To my wife, Barbi , for being such a supportive and loving partner, as together we parent our teens;

To Ricky and Benny Townsend, for being such great kids, especially during these adolescent years;

To Scott Bolinder , publisher at Zondervan, for his support for, and belief in, the importance of the subject;

To my editor Sandy Vander Zicht , for her vision for this book's creation and her love for the written word;

To my editor Liz Heaney, for her diligence and care in the process of making a book readable;

To my agent, Sealy Yates, and his associate, Jeana Ledbetter, for their steadfast wisdom and protection of the writing process;

To my friends who have parented teens and provided me with lots of helpful information and stories: Roger and Diane Braff , Jim Burns,

Cindy Canale , Cathy Evangelatos , Belinda Falk, Eric and Debbie Heard, Mark Holt, Jim Liebelt , Tom and Martha McCall, Dr. Paul Meier, Dr. Jerry Reddix , Ted and Jen Trubenbach , Bob Whiton ;

To my adolescent specialist friends who reviewed chapters and made helpful comments: Dr. John Barrett, Dr. Tom Okamoto, and Brett Veltman ;

To Dr. Jim Pugh, for his wisdom and experience in the fields of adolescents and of families;

To the Junior High Ministry of Mariners Church in Irvine, California, especially Chris Lagerlof, Ryan Schulte, Michael Siebert, Sabrina Garcia, whose tenures with the junior high ministry at Mariners Church have helped so many kids, including mine, to find God, growth, and healthy relationships;

To the junior high small groups guys: Nate Barrett, Josh Bennar ,

Monty Buchanan, Zak Fuentes, Josh Hervey, Renny Martinez, and Travis Waddell, for being great kids and followers of God;

To my friend and writing partner, Dr. Henry Cloud, for his diligence and depth of thought in dealing with parenting and growth issues;

And a special thanks to my assistant, Janet Williams, who glues my work universe together, day after day, with care and good humor .

INTRODUCTION

Who Threw the Switch?

I had known Trevor since he was six, because our families ran in the same circles. As a preteen, he was a normal kid, not perfect, but not out of control either. He was respectful of adults and fun to be around.

Then, when he was thirteen or fourteen, my wife, Barbi , our kids, and I ran into him and his mom, Beth, at a movie theater one night, and we adults started talking. It wasn't long before all of the kids started getting restless, particularly Trevor. He and his mom had a conversation that went something like this:

"Mom, I wanna go.

"Just a minute, honey.

"I said I wanna go!

Beth looked a little embarrassed and said, "Trevor, we're almost done talking, okay?

"HEY! I SAD I WANT TO GO!

People standing around in the theatre began looking over at our little group.

His mom looked mortified. His face was a little flushed, but he didn't look at all self-conscious. He had only one thing on his mind getting his mom moving.

She quickly said her good-byes, and the two of them left.

This encounter sticks in my mind because of the huge contrast between the Trevor who used to be and the Trevor who now was. It was as if a switch had been thrown. Whatever respect he'd once had for his mom, and likely others, had been greatly diminished.

Perhaps you can relate to Beth's experience as a parent. You may have an adolescent who, as a preteen, was more compliant and easier to connect with. Or perhaps you saw seeds of trouble in your child's preteen years, only to watch those seeds sprout when adolescence hit.

Or maybe your child doesn't seem that much different, just bigger and stronger. In any case, it all points to the reality that parenting teens is not like parenting at any other age, because children change dramatically during their teenage years.

The Challenges Parents of Teens Face

Parents face many different issues and struggles in their efforts to parent their teens effectively, as demonstrated in this list of typical adolescent behaviors:

has a disrespectful attitude toward parents, family, and others challenges requests or rules

is self-absorbed and unable to see things from anyone else's perspective

is lazy and careless about responsibilities

has a negative attitude toward life, school, or people

is emotionally withdrawn and distant from you

has a tendency to pick friends of whom you disapprove

erupts in anger that sometimes seems to come out of nowhere

lacks motivation for school and fails to maintain grades

neglects home chores and responsibilities

has mood shifts that seem to have neither rhyme nor reason

is mean to siblings or friends

lacks interest in spiritual matters

detaches from family events and wants to be with friends only lies and is deceptive about activities is physically aggressive and violent

is truant from school or runs away

abuses substances alcohol, drugs, pornography, and so on engages in sexual activity

This list could go on, of course. It's no wonder that when faced with one or several of these problems, many parents become discouraged, overwhelmed, or confused about what to do. You don't have to be one of them. If you are reading this book because your teen exhibits any of the above behaviors, be encouraged. These problems have solutions. You don't have to resign yourself to simply coping and surviving for the next few years. Life with your teen can be much better than that. You can take some steps that can make major differences in the troublesome attitudes and behavior of your adolescent.

I have seen many teens become more responsible, happier, and better prepared for adult life after their parents began to apply the principles and techniques discussed in this book. Many of these teens not only made positive changes in their lives, but they also reconnected with their parents at levels that the parents had thought they would never experience again. These principles work if you work them.

Teens Need Boundaries

The problems listed earlier all have a common foundation: the battle between the teens desire for total freedom and the parents desire for total control. All teens want the freedom to do what they want when they want. They need to learn that freedom is earned and that they can gain freedom by demonstrating responsibility. Adolescence is the time in life when kids are supposed to learn this lesson.

By the same token, parents need to be able to recognize when they are being overcontrolling and when they are being healthy and appropriate about saying no. They need to be able to make this distinction in order to do their job: helping teens learn responsibility and self-control so that they use freedom appropriately and live well in the real world. To do this, parents must help teens learn boundaries.

I cannot overstate the importance of your role here. In the midst of your teen's demands, tantrums, threats, and acting out, your task is to sift through the craziness and lovingly set firm, appropriate limits.

When your teen behaves responsibly, you can loosen the reins a little and grant more freedom. You are the clear voice of sanity in your child's world. Your teen needs your voice and your help in learning how to set boundaries.

What are boundaries? Simply put, boundaries are one's personal property line. They are how you define yourself, say who you are and who you are not, set limits, and establish consequences if people are attempting to control you. When you say "no to someone's bad behavior, you are setting a boundary. Boundaries are good for you and good for the other person, for boundaries help people clarify what they are and are not responsible for in life. (For a fuller treatment of boundaries, please refer to the book Dr. Henry Cloud and I wrote: Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life .)1 Because of all the developmental changes teens are going through, they often don't have good control over their behavior, a clear sense of responsibility for their actions, or much self-discipline and structure. Instead, they often show disrespect of authority (as in Trevor's case), impulsiveness, irresponsibility, misbehavior , and erratic behavior. They are, as the Bible describes it, "like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.2