Henry Cloud - Boundaries in Marriage

Recently, I (Dr. Townsend) had two separate dinners with two married couples who are friends of mine. These two couples are in their later years, and each of the couples has been married for more than four decades. They are in what we call the Golden Years, the period of marriage in which all the love and work over the years culminate, we hope, in a deep and satisfying connection. However, I was struck by the huge difference between the two couples.

With Harold and Sarah, I enjoyed a buffet dinner where you get a ticket for various parts of the meal and you have to leave the table with your ticket and go get your item. The dinner was winding down; we were ready for dessert. Harold reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out his dessert ticket. Tossing it in front of Sarah, he said casually, Sarah. Dessert. Not Please, Sarah, will you get my dessert for me? And certainly not Can I get your dessert, honey? Harold was assuming Sarah would obediently comply with his two-word command.

I didnt know what to say, so I sat there and watched. Sarah was clearly embarrassed by Harolds public display of control. She sat there for a couple of seconds, apparently deciding what to do. Then she seemed to gather up her courage and quietly but forcefully said, Why dont you get your own dessert?

Harold looked surprised. Evidently he wasnt used to her refusing to obey his commands. However, he recovered, made a weak joke about uppity women, and left the table to redeem his ticket. While he was gone, Sarah said to me, Sorry, I just couldnt let it go this time, with my friends here. I felt so sad for Sarah, realizing that her reaction to her husband tonight was the exception rather than the rule. I also realized that, on a deeper level, while Harold and Sarah were legally connected, they were emotionally disconnected. Their hearts were not knit together.

Frank and Julia were different. I was traveling, and they were hosting me. We went to their home after dinner. After a while, it was time for me to return to my hotel, and I needed a ride. Julia, a counselor like me, was primarily responsible for my trip and had been chauffeuring me to various speaking engagements and meetings. So clearly she was the person to take me back.

However, Frank looked at his wife and said, You look tired, honey. Ill take John back to his hotel. I could see the conflict in Julias face between her duty to me and her need for rest. Finally, she said, Okay, thanks. And Frank drove me to the hotel.

The next day, at the conference, I talked to Julia. I remarked on Franks kindness in offering the ride and on her struggle with taking the offer. She said, It wasnt always that way. In our twenties, he wouldnt have offered, and I wouldnt have taken the offer. But we worked on this issue a lot during those days. I had to put my foot down on some issues, and we almost divorced. It was a difficult period, but it has paid off. We cant imagine not being each others soul mates. During my time with them, I had observed that Franks and Julias hearts were knit together, that they were emotionally connected.

Though both couples had many years of marriage experience, each couples love and relationship had taken very different turns. Harold and Sarah were unable to love deeply and relate to each other, because Harold controlled Sarah and Sarah allowed him to control her. They had what are called major boundary conflicts, in which one person crosses the lines of responsibility and respect with another. When one person is in control of another, love cannot grow deeply and fully, as there is no freedom.

Frank and Julia could have very likely ended up the same way. From what I could tell, they started off similarly in their early married years. Frank dominated, and Julia complied. However, she confronted the problem, she set limits and established consequences, and their marriage grew. Clearly, both couples were reaping the results of how they had conducted themselves in the earlier seasons of marriage. The first couple harvested a sad result; the other, a joyous one.