Henry Cloud - Simple Secrets of a Great Marriage

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For_____________________

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simple secrets
of a
Great marriage

BY DR. HENRY CLOUD & DR. JOHN TOWNSEND

Simple Secrets of a Great Marriage
2006 by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or otherexcept for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Thomas Nelson. Thomas Nelson is a registered trademark of Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Published in association with Yates & Yates, LLP Attorneys and Literary Agents, Orange, CA.

Some of the names used in scenarios in this book are not actual names; identifying details have been changed to protect anonymity. Any resemblance to persons alive or dead is purely coincidental.

Art Director: Kevin Swanson
Designer: Alison T. Bauer
Production Artist: Dan C. Horton

Thomas Nelson, Inc., titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, fund-raising, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail SpecialMarkets@ThomasNelson.com.

Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version.
1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

ISBN-13: 978-1-4041-0532-4

Printed in China

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table of contents

introduction
how to
get the most
marriage mileage
out of this book

You may have picked up or received this bookfor any number of reasons, such as:

Youre in a good marriage, but you want it to be even better.

Youre scrambling for answers in your marriage, aware that its nowhere near great at this point.

You and your mate periodically work through a marriage book together to keep your relationship fine-tuned and humming.

Your spouse handed the book to you with that look in his or her eye that says, Get a clue.

Youre engaged, and a caring friend or relative wants you to get your upcoming marriage started on the right foot.

Youre widowed or divorced and intent on getting it right the next time.

No matter how or why youve ended up with this book in your hands, were glad youre here. We want you to know that, wherever youre starting from, youve embarked on a twenty-one-secret journey that will, if you stick with us and do the work, make a great, positive difference in your marriage. We have shared these principles with literally thousands of people, and those who diligently worked them into their relationship have become better spouses and are enjoying great marriages. Were confident it will happen for you too.

But before you hit the road on this life-changing, marriage-improving journey, here are a few tips to help you get the most mileage from your effort.

You will benefit even if your partner doesnt read this book.

We think its ideal that you and your spouse (or spouse-to-be) read the book and work through the exercises together. But if he or she isnt quite ready for that process, your marriage will still profit greatly if you start the journey alone. Great marriages result as each partner focuses on him- or herself, determined, with Gods help, to be the best mate possible. As you grow through these principles, your marriage will likely improve even if your mate isnt with the program yet.

You will get the most mileage when you go beyond just reading.

At the end of each chapter you will find an application section headed Think about It, Talk about It, Live It. The questions and exercises we provide there are designed to help you translate principles for a great marriage into the day-by-day expression of your marriage.

If you are taking this journey as a couple, we suggest that you first read each chapter individually. Think through the application section, jot some notes, and decide how you personally will respond to the principle youve just read about. Then get together with your partner to share with each other your insights and responses from the chapter. Some couples might want to read chapters aloud to each other and talk through the exercises together instead of doing the work separately. Thats okay, but we think you will find extra benefit from getting inside your own head and heart first, then coming together with some well-considered responses.

If you are taking this journey alone, dont skip the application section. Work through the questions and exercises as they apply to you, even if you cant share them with your spouse right now. If the opportunity arises to share with your partner from what youre reading, make sure its about what God is doing in you, not what you think your partner needs to do. A great marriage is about changing yourself, not your mate.

Each chapter ends with a Great Marriage Commitment, crystallized from the chapters theme. Consider concluding your discussion of each chapter by sharing this commitmentor something similar in your own words with each other verbally. Then take a few moments to pray together, asking God to help you live out each great marriage commitment. If you are journeying alone, let God hear your heartfelt commitment to your spouse, then live out that commitment to His glory and the growing strength of your marriage.

You can explore the twenty-one secrets several ways.

If you wish, you can tackle a secret a day, embarking on a twenty-one-day journey of discovery. Of course, were not saying that you have to clear your calendar for three weeks and blaze through this book a chapter per night in marathon fashion. Its great if you want to do that, but were aware that the busy lives of most people wont afford them that luxury. Were really talking about exploring twenty-one principles for a great marriage in a logical sequence. Here are several ways to tackle a twenty-one-day approach:

If you and your partner are working through the book together...

Set your own twenty-one-day schedule. For example, how about setting aside twenty-one consecutive Tuesday evenings or Saturday mornings? This gives each partner a week to read and work through the next chapter, priming you for a thoughtful, prayerful discussion of each principle. Or perhaps you can set aside two or three evenings each week. The schedule you choose should allow each of you unhurried time for personal reading and thinking before you talk.

Consider taking the journey in twenty-one weeks with another couple or a small group of couples. For example, do the work as individuals and a couple, as suggested above. Then meet with your small group one evening a week to talk about each couples progress, encourage one another, pray for one another, and hold each other accountable.

Plan a great marriage vacation or retreat just for the two of you. If you have the means to do so, get away for a week and work through the book in a concentrated fashion, dealing with three chapters a day for seven days. Or perhaps set up a series of weekend retreatsone per month or soand tackle two or three chapters each weekend. Maybe another couple or two would like to join you on these marriage-building retreats.

If you are beginning this journey without your spouse, you can select a pace that best suits your schedule and needs. If a measure of accountability will help you stay disciplined and keep you on pace, think about meeting periodically with a friend or small group of friends who will work through the book with you. Just dont let your spouse become uncomfortable and suspect you are talking about him or her and your marriage. You can simply say something like, Im meeting with some girlfriends to discuss how we can be better wives to our husbands.