Cloud Henry - Boundaries with kids: when to say yes, when to say no to help your children gain control of their lives

Boundaries with Kids
EPub Reader Format
Copyright 1998 by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Requests for information should be addressed to:

Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530

ISBN-13: 978-0-310-56566-6

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible: New International Version. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any otherexcept for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.

Published in association with Yates & Yates, LLP, Literary Agent, Orange, CA.

Interior design by Sue Vandenberg Koppenol

Cover Design: LUCAS Art & Design
Cover Art: George Schill

Contents

W hat is this new book you and Henry are writing? asked my seven-year-old son, Ricky.

Its about boundaries and kids, I (Dr. Townsend) replied.

Ricky thought a moment, then said reflectively, I like to say boundaries, but I dont like to hear them.

Join the rest of the human race, Ricky. All of us like to set boundaries, but we dont like to hear other peoples boundaries. We have empathy for whatever led you, the reader, to pick up this book, because Rickys statement describes the position of all children (and many adults): What gratifies me is good and what frustrates me is bad. Ever since the time of Adam and Eve, taking ownership of our lives and accepting responsibility for ourselves is something we have resisted. Your task as a parent is to help your child develop inside him what you have been providing on the outside: responsibility, self-control, and freedom. Setting and maintaining boundaries is not an easy task, but with the right ingredients, it really works.

Why Boundaries with Kids?

Several years ago, we coauthored Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life (Zondervan, 1992). This book sets forth the concept that setting limits helps us better own our lives and, ultimately, helps us love God and others better. The books ongoing popularity speaks to the need of so many people who struggle with problems such as irresponsible, manipulative, or controlling relationships, emotional issues, work conflicts, and the like.

Since Boundaries was published, many parents have asked us questionsin the counseling office, in seminars, and on the radioabout how boundaries work in child rearing. Parents are concerned with raising kids who are not only loving, but also responsible. And they want something that will do more than help people heal broken boundaries. They want something to prevent boundary problems, to help build boundaries in children. This book is for them. It applies the principles in Boundaries to the specific context of child rearing.

Who Should Read This Book?

Boundaries with Kids was written for parents of children of all ages, from infancy to the teen years. However, if you arent a parent, Boundaries with Kids may also help you to help the children you love and whose lives you impact. This book will help you if you are a

Teacher

Grandparent

Coach

Neighbor

Day-care worker or baby-sitter

Church youth worker

Or even a teen who is working on your own boundaries!

Although you may not be a parent, you still want to be a force for responsibility and righteousness in the lives of the kids you influence. This book is designed to help you implement these principles, whether you are a primary caretaker or play a secondary role in a childs life.

Why Should You Read This Book?

You dont have to be in a crisis to benefit from this book. The principles offered here apply to all situations. Your child may be at age-appropriate levels of maturity at home, at school, and in relationships. As a result, you may want to use this material to ensure that the process continues as your child navigates from one age group to another and into adulthood.

But Boundaries with Kids will also help with problems and crises in parenting. All parents have problems. Some problems are oriented around issues of responsibility and self-control. This book shows how to deal with these sorts of problems:

Impulsivity

Inattention to parental directives

Defying authority

Whining

Procrastination

Inability to finish tasks

Aggressive behavior

School problems

Conflicts with friends

Sexual involvement

Drugs

Gangs

While this book addresses these and many other problems, it is not problem centered, but rather principle centered. By principle centered we mean that the book is organized around key concepts that will help children take ownership of their lives. We have taken these concepts from our study of the Bible and Gods teaching on responsibility, stewardship, and self-control. In Boundaries, the chapter on the Ten Laws of Boundaries was designed to help readers take charge of their lives. In the present book, each law has been expanded to an entire chapter and applied to child rearing.

Boundaries with Kids isnt written chronologically, with separate sections on infancy, toddlerhood, childhood, and the teen years. We organized the book the way we did because we believe the principles of boundaries with children are universal, and they work with kids at all levels of development. You need to apply the laws to your child in age- and maturity-appropriate ways. So we have included in each chapter many examples and illustrations of how these laws are applied at all age levels, to give you a way to understand them in your own situation.

This book is geared much more toward how you, the parent, behave with your child than toward educating your child. Learning boundaries has a lot to do with going through experiences, such as receiving consequences for behavior, learning to take ownership, and dealing with the boundaries of others. Its a lot like how the Bible describes the growth process: No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it (Hebrews 12:11).