Smith - Flirtology

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First published in Great Britain in 2018 by Bantam Press
an imprint of Transworld Publishers

Copyright Jean Smith 2018
Cover design: Beci Kelly
Hearts and heads logo designed by Afterhours design

Jean Smith has asserted her right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

Every effort has been made to obtain the necessary permissions with reference to copyright material, both illustrative and quoted. We apologize for any omissions in this respect and will be pleased to make the appropriate acknowledgements in any future edition.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

Version 1.0 Epub ISBN 9781473549739

ISBN 9780593079416

This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorized distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the authors and publishers rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.

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This book is dedicated to you and me and our pact: be curious, be open-minded, and be questioning. I will, if you will.

There are many people Id like to thank for helping to make this book happen: to Celia Hayley, who helped pull it together; amongst the cakes and cups of tea, you made this process fun and effortless. Watching your elegant brain work, in structuring mode in particular, is a rare treat. I wish all collaborations could be this sweet. My literary agent, Rob Dinsdale, for having the foresight to see that the world was ready for Flirtology and for connecting me with the right people to help spread the word. My publisher extraordinaire, Michelle Signore, and the amazing team at Transworld, who are the perfect fits for Flirtology. And Im hugely grateful to Alexandra, Alexander and Jake at Conville and Walsh. To my creative genius friends: Amanda, Simon, Todd. Thank you for your time, humour and invaluable feedback.

To all the people over the years who have come on my flirting tours, who came to me for coaching, allowed me to interview them for my flirting research and attended my lectures. I have changed names and the details of your stories throughout, but I know there would be no book without you. Actually, there would be no Flirtology without you. We are all teachers, and we are all learners. Thank you for being both for me.

To my husband Nic. Everything is possible with your unyielding support and boundless talent. (Besides, youre a blast!)

ITS FRIDAY NIGHT . Jane has put on her favourite outfit and is feeling hopeful. She feels that she has been single for too long and is ready to do something about it. She has made a resolution to force herself to go out every weekend. Tonight, her friend is having a party and there must be somebody interesting there, surely.

An hour into the party, she sees someone attractive over by the drinks table. She wants to talk to him, but she cant see herself just interrupting the conversation hes having. When she finally works up the nerve, he is gone. In the kitchen, she exchanges a smile with someone else and wishes she could think of something to say, but that moment is gone too, and now so is he. Midnight rolls around and, other than a white-wine headache, her accomplishments are limited. She goes home, and thats when the negativity kicks in. I am doing everything I can. I go out. I try. Its impossible to meet people! That is the moment that she decides to be even more proactive. That very night, she signs up to an online dating website, because now she is really serious about meeting someone; no more messing around.

Saturday passes in a blur. All of Janes usual weekend activities a run, coffee at her local cafe and a leisurely read of the papers are put aside. By the time she has created a profile and begun sorting through the masses of other peoples profiles, Saturday is gone, and then so is Sunday. However, all of her efforts are not in vain. She has begun messaging a few potential prospects and is having fun. Most of the week is spent sending and returning messages. A few people quickly drop off the radar. However, she has managed to arrange a drink for Friday night with one of them. Yes!

Second attempt. Its Friday night. Jane has put on her favourite outfit and is feeling hopeful. She has made a resolution to force herself to go out every weekend, and now its happening, she thinks.

The person she has been flirting with all week online, the one who is funny, interesting and with whom she has so much in common, has just walked in. Her heart sinks. The only way this could be the same person from the profile picture is if it was 2008. Never mind. She has been enjoying the message exchanges, and shes here now anyway. Shell give him a chance. And then they sit down and begin talking. Jane wonders who this person is sitting in front of her. He is nothing like what he seemed online. Because she is new to this whole thing and doesnt really know how to end it, she ends up spending five hours with him, the whole time thinking of how she could make a getaway without hurting his feelings. Midnight rolls around and, other than a white-wine headache, her accomplishments are limited. Here she was hoping for the happy-ever-after to begin, and all she has is the beginnings of a hangover. She goes home, and thats when the negativity kicks in. I am doing everything I can. I go out. I try. Its impossible to meet people! This is the moment Jane decides that she will be single forever

Whether you are a man or a woman, if you are currently single, perhaps you can relate to this story. In my work as a Flirtologist, I use the principles of social anthropology to steer people through the thickets of social interaction. I have heard hundreds of variations on this scenario from both women and men. When it comes to meeting people, everyone is doing what they think is right, what they have been told is right, and they are baffled as to why things keep going so wrong. I can see with clarity where just one step done differently could have resulted in a more satisfactory outcome.

People come to me desperate to know how to produce results. They have been through the process multiple times. They have tried getting out there; they want to mingle, date or find partners, but they have come to realize that something isnt working. The conclusion they draw is that they are bad at flirting. And then a helpful friend suggests the internet. Figuring nothing else is working, they give it a try. Because surely that will solve their problems: a vast arena where you can find people, whether youre a great flirt or not. Problem is, that isnt working either.

In the last ten years, there has been a huge upsurge in the use of online dating and dating apps. In 2007, Apple launched the first iPhone, allowing us to bring the entire digital world with us in our pockets, thereby kicking off an era of 24-hour connectivity; since then it has become ever easier to have conversations with people via a screen. Dating apps and websites have proliferated, catering to more and more specific tastes. We are told we can find anyone the perfect match through the use of clever algorithms. But a funny thing has happened. As the digital revolution in dating services has gained pace, I have found people are becoming