Chamin Ajjan - Seeking Soulmate: Get Out of the Dating Game and Find Real Connection

Remember when you were a kid dreaming about your first date? Who would it be with? Where would you go? What would your first kiss be like? Would your parents allow you to date? It was all so exciting! However, that excitement changes for many of us when we get older. As awkwardness, insecurity, and societal pressures creep in, dating can become a ritual we have to engage in, a means to an end, a burden, and a chore. The glamorous dating world portrayed on television and in the movies is not exactly what is happening in real life.

When online dating became a thing, I was right there with my friends helping them with their profiles. I relished their stories, but started to see that I was having more fun hearing about them than my friends were having actually living through them. At the same time, I noticed that the single clients in my psychotherapy practice were experiencing a similar level of disappointment and distress in their dating experiences. It became very clear to me that dating was not fun for many people. In fact, it was the number one complaint my single clients discussed in session. The problem solver and behavioral specialist in me realized this was a fairly common human issue that needed more attention.

Seeking Soulmate started as a small workshop I created called the Mindful Dating Workshop, which focused on all of the dating issues that my single clients in New York City seemed to complain about. They felt frustrated, weary, disillusioned, and hopeless about the dating process. Finding a decent partner seemed impossible because dating was too difficult to navigate. All of my clients were great potential partners, but they internalized what they perceived as dating failure to be their fault, a sign that they were meant to be alone, or an indication that there were no eligible suitors out there. So I decided to create a space where we could discuss these difficulties, focus on our perceptions, learn new tools, explore what is within our control, let go of negativity, and practice self-care.

The workshop was so successful that I decided to blog about the principles of Mindful Dating so that a wider audience could learn how apply them. Then, out of nowhere, many years later I received an email from a book editor who had discovered my blog and thought it would make a great book. Jennifer Kamenetz encouraged me to write a book proposal and submit it to Parallax Press, the publishing company where she worked. You should have seen my face when I got off of the phone with her and told my husband that an editor wanted me to write an entire book about mindful dating. A book! Yeah, I had thought about writing a book, but had not entertained my idea as more than a fantasy. And who gets an email from a publisher asking them to submit a proposal? I felt like I was being punked! After laughing about it a bit and discussing it with my husband, I realized I had nothing to lose for trying. And thus a book was born. Thanks, Jen!

There are so many books out there about dating. How could I make mine different? How could I make it relevant? And how could I keep readers engaged? Doubt crept in. However, once I really got started, I realized that I did not have to worry about any of those things. I have a wealth of insight and information that I owe to the many wonderful single clients I have worked with over the years. I have a unique perspective as a therapist that I can offer along with solid clinical advice.

In my pursuit to make this book a genuine reflection of me as a clinician and a real honest-to-goodness human being, I use both personal and professional experiences. That means you will be hearing about client interactions and clinical observations in addition to my own personal blunders, successes, interactions, and influences. How can I ask you to be your authentic self if I am not doing the same? Opening up and making myself vulnerable in this book was liberating and scary at the same. I hope to give you a true sense of who I am as a psychotherapist, mother, wife, daughter, black woman, pop culture junkie, perpetual student, and more.

For all of these reasons, Seeking Soulmate may not read like other dating books. Think of me as your girlfriend who just happens to be a therapist. We are two friends chatting about the dating world and I am sharing what I have learned. This book is not meant to be a how-to book. I am not arrogant enough to believe that there is only one way of approaching dating. I do not think there is a concrete set of rules to follow that will result in your finding the partner of your dreams. I definitely do not believe that there is only one way to catch a partner. If that book existed, then there would not be the need for any other books to follow it. We are unique individuals who bring our own distinct experiences to the table. A one size fits all approach does not apply to dating.

My clients often tell me that I make Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) seem approachable and understandable. It is important to me to share what I know about CBT and do so in way that is applicableand hopefully fun. The combination of CBT principles and mindfulness principles youll find in this book do just that. Years of training with many skilled clinicians and practice have given me the foundation to present these evidence-based clinical models in a new and appealing way.

Change is inherently challenging, so it is important that we do not lose ourselves, get frustrated, and burn out as we make changes. It is my hope that you will enjoy learning these new skills and be kind to yourself as you grow and sometimes stumble and fall, but always get back up and stay on course.

This book is not about how you can be completed by a relationship. That scene in the movie Jerry McGuire where Tom Cruise tells Renee Zellweger, You complete me, is so romantic and iconic. It is also total crap! No relationship will complete you. You complete yourself. A relationship should not be about filling some hole you feel you have in your life. It should be about enriching it. Looking to someone else to fill a void in your life will only end in resentment and disaster. That applies to having children as well, but that is another book.

Simply reading this book is not intended to magically transform your dating life. Real change can come from this book, but only if you dedicate yourself to practicing the principles outlined in it. And that will take time. I want for you to have realistic expectations as you begin to read. Some things may click immediately while others may take time to sink in. Mindfulness is a journey with no final destination. That means you will be learning a new way of paying attention to the world that will be strengthened and become more developed with a lifelong practice. This book may or may not be your first time learning about mindfulness. However, it should certainly not be your last. Continue learning new ways to be mindful and keep up the practice for continued results in all parts of your life.