Dr. Kevin Leman - Sheet music: uncovering the secrets of sexual intimacy in marriage

What readers are saying about Sheet Music...

Its the most incredible marriage book Ive ever read! It cleared up so many issues in my mind and gave me a clear look into the mind of my husband. Our marriage is 100 times better than it would have been without this book. Every couple needs to read Sheet Music !

At last! A man who actually understands sex from a female point of view. This is no psychobabble or ladies magazine sex survey. This is the real deal... honest and inspiring.

Wow! I was already a fan of Dr. Lemans straight talk, and this book just added to it. Put the Sheet Music principles into practice, and well see marriages changed... families changed!

Sheet Music helped me see where I was failing in my marriage to my wife of more than eight years. Now our homeand our bedroomis a very different and loving place.

Our Mothers of Preschoolers group read Sheet Music as a book club selection, and it was the largest turnout wed ever had. Conversation was lively, and it wasnt long before everyone there was beaming with newfound excitement for their marriages.

Straight to the point about sex, even though its written by a Christian. One night I told my husband, This books says men like _____. He grinned and said, Mmm-hmm. I was stunned; I never knew that. This book will make you laugh and blush. Mr. Happy is a lot happier in our house now.

This book is awesome! Finally someone has answered all the questions Ive been embarrassed or afraid to discuss with anyone else. Dr. Lemans perspective has changed my way of thinking about my relationship with my husband of fifteen years.

If youre in a sexual rut, Sheet Music will dig you out and give you an entirely different perspective on sex. And boy, the fun youll have!

Hilarious and informative, Sheet Music handles a touchy subject with grace and humor. Even better, it makes so much sense. This book totally changed my attitude toward my husband and our intimate relationship.

Weve been married for twenty-nine years. Sheet Music helped us find the excitementagain!

Sheet Music provides excellent material for Sex 101, but it also invited my husband and me into a greater level of intimacy after ten years of marriage. We had no idea what we were missing!

We received this book as a wedding gift, and it helped start our lives together on the right path. We highly recommend it!

Visit Tyndales exciting Web site at www.tyndale.com

TYNDALE and Tyndales quill logo are registered trademarks of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.

Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

Copyright 2003, 2008 by Kevin Leman. All rights reserved.

Cover photograph 2002 by David Oliver/Getty Images. All rights reserved.

Male and female reproductive system illustrations 2002 by Pat Thomas. All rights reserved.

Author photo copyright 2000 by Tom Spitz Photography, Tucson, AZ. All rights reserved.

Edited by Ramona Cramer Tucker

Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

The Library of Congress has cataloged the first edition as follows:

Leman, Kevin.

Sheet music : uncovering the secrets of sexual intimacy in marriage / Kevin Leman.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN-13: 978-0-8423-6023-4

ISBN-10: 0-8423-6023-9

ISBN-13: 978-0-8423-6024-1 (pbk.)

ISBN-10: 0-8423-6024-7 (pbk.)

1. Sex in marriage. 2. Sex instruction. 3. Sex. 4. Intimacy (Psychology). I. Title.

HQ734 .L386 2003

613.96dc21 2002011943

To my son-in-law, Dennis OReilly, and his lovely bride, my daughter Krissy.

Go ahead and create a symphony! And maybe a few kids as well....

Note to the Reader

Some of what youll read in this book may be too blunt or straightforward for your personal taste. Every persons view on sex (and his or her background, which informs thought and relational patterns) differs. However, if youre willing to forge ahead for the sake of the best marriage you can imagine, then this book is for you. It will expand and challenge your thinking about sex. Instead of just a how-to-do-it manual, its more of a do-it-yourself look at why to do it and how to do it better.

Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage isnt intended to make you feel guilty for what you have or havent done, but rather to help you pinpoint what goes on in your brain and in your relationship with your spouse (or spouse-to-be) so you can have an active, fulfilling sex life.

If youre currently in premarital counseling, read chapters 1 through 4 and the For Men Only and For Women Only chapters. But please stop thereand wait to read the rest until after youre married.

A Tale of Two Couples

Jim and Karen were both virgins when they got married twenty-one years ago. Like many young couples, they had fairly unrealistic views of what sex would be like. Hit and miss might be a pretty good description of their sex life after the honeymoon; they never really got a handle on things until almost fifteen years into their marriage.

Heres what happened. Jim was always looking for (and worse, thinking he had found) the magic bullet. He tried something newthe way he held Karen, cradled her, or tenderly touched a delicate spotand he tuned in to her moans, thinking, Okay, this is the key; this will unlock her sexual fury.

While Karen really did enjoy that new touch, she learned to be conservative with her moans because once Jim heard one, he was certain to do the exact same thing for the next fifty to one hundred times they made love. Karen never understood why it took one hundred times of silence to overcome one moan, but thats the way it was with Jim. He became so predictable that what once made her hotter than an August day now turned her into a glacier. Jim would just get frustrated, thinking (but never verbalizing), I know Im doing this right. It worked that one time! Why isnt it working now? I must not be doing it soft enough (or fast enough, or some other variation).

When I first met with Jim, I gave him a simple assignment. Jim, I said, I want you to go home, look at your wifes closet, then look at yours. Tell me if you notice anything different.

I dont have to go home to do that, Dr. Leman, he said. I know our closets by memory.

Okay, then. When you look at the shoes, do you notice anything different?

Yeah, she has fifty pairs and I have three.

Let me guessbusiness shoes, tennis shoes, and work-in-the-yard shoes.

Thats right.

Now, if you counted her outfits and then counted yours, what would you find?

Id need a calculator for her outfits, but I could count mine using my ten fingers.

What does that tell you?

That she likes to buy clothes?

Well, yes, but in regard to sex, what does it mean?

Well, she doesnt have many sexy outfits, if thats what youre getting at.

Seeing that subtlety wasnt Jims strength, I decided to lay it out for him more directly. Jim, what Im trying to say is that your wife appears to like a little more variety than you do. She doesnt want to wear the same dress on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. In fact, she may not want to wear the same outfit every other Monday. She wants variety.