Stoeker Fred - Every heart restored: a wifes guide to healing in the wake of a husbands sexual sin

Praise for
Every Heart Restored

Fred and Brenda Stoeker deal with the sensitive subject of how couples cope in the wake of sexual sin with wisdom and compassion. Their message offers hope to struggling husbands and wives who desire to rebuild their relationships and have Christ-centered marriages free from sexual impurity.

J ILL P HILLIPS , singer-songwriter and recording artist

The Every Man series has shed light into the hearts of men and on the temptation and trappings of sexual sin. Now Every Heart Restored gives women compassionate spiritual insight into the often misunderstood, confusing, and heart-wrenching area of sexual sin.

D R . G ARY AND B ARBARA R OSBERG , Americas Family Coaches and authors of Divorce-Proof Your Marriage

Finally, hope has arrived! On behalf of the hundreds of thousands of women whose dreams and hearts are shattered, I say Thank you! The authors of Every Heart Restored give women the permission and the authority to confront and put an end to enabling their husbands inappropriate sexual behavior and tell us that with hard work, accountability, and a constant guarding of the eyes and mind, a man can retrain his brain and keep lust out of ones being and marriage.

M ARSHA M EANS , counselor and author of Living with Your Husbands Secret Wars

From the very beginning in the garden to the very consummation of all things, it has always been about two with one heart. Every Heart Restored is destined to bring deep and intimate healing to the union of hurting husbands and wives desperate to move from the wounds back to the wonder.

L ISA B EVERE , author of Kissed the Girls and Made Them Cry

E VERY H EART R ESTORED
P UBLISHED BY W ATER B ROOK P RESS
12265 Oracle Boulevard, Suite 200
Colorado Springs, CO 80921

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked (AMP ) are taken from The Amplified Bible. Copyright 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org). Scripture quotations marked (KJV) are taken from the King James Version. Scripture quotations marked (MSG) are taken from The Message by Eugene H. Peterson. Copyright 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Italics in Scripture quotations reflect the authors added emphasis.

Details in some anecdotes and stories have been changed to protect the identities of the persons involved.

Grateful acknowledgment is made for the use of the His/Her Realities chart in , taken from Ted Roberts, Pure Desire: Helping People Break Free from Sexual Struggles, page 255, 1999 Gospel Light/Regal Books, Ventura, California, 93003. Used by permission.

eISBN: 978-0-307-55179-5

Copyright 2004, 2010, by Stephen Arterburn, Brenda Stoeker, Fred Stoeker, and Mike Yorkey

Published in association with the literary agency of Alive Communications Inc., 7680 Goddard Street, Suite 200, Colorado Springs, CO 80920, www.alivecommunications.com.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Published in the United States by WaterBrook Multnomah, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House Inc., New York.

W ATER B ROOK and its deer colophon are registered trademarks of Random House Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Arterburn, Stephen, 1953
Every heart restored : a wifes guide to healing in the wake of a husbands sexual sin / Stephen Arterburn and Fred and Brenda Stoeker; with Mike Yorkey.1st ed.
p. cm.
1. WivesReligious life. 2. HusbandsSexual behavior. 3. Sex addictionReligious aspectsChristianity.
I. Stoeker, Brenda. II. Stoeker, Fred. III. Title.
BV4527.A75 2004
248.8 435dc22

2004012536

v3.1

To my heavenly Father:
You do things simply because I ask. Amazing.

To Brenda:
How precious you are to Him!

I am so glad you found this book. It could change your life and your love forever.

If you are a woman in a relationship with a man who is struggling with sexual sin, this book can help you in ways you never imagined. You will be amazed that there are so many other women who share your experience. These women have been through that same dreadful period of sensing something in a relationship was not right, and at the same time being unable to identify exactly what was wrong or who was at fault. They have felt the same searing anger that arose when you realized you were being betrayed. They have experienced the same feelings of inadequacy and the false belief that, If I had just been more of a woman, he would have remained faithful and pure. They have been blamed for his problems and carried the weight of his shame.

If you have been through what these women have been through, this book will help you see yourself, your circumstances, and your husbands problem in a different light.

Every Heart Restored will guide you from dark despair to new hope, from resentful bitterness to emotional freedom, from protective detachment to the possibility of a deep connection with your husband. The transition and transformation wont be instant, nor will they be easy. Restoration is going to take some hard work on your part, at a time when you may feel you have worked hard enough and are ready to give up. But if you follow the path laid out here by Fred and Brenda Stoeker, your heart can be restoredeven if your husband is unwilling to make changes. You will be able to live in freedom even if he chooses to remain in bondage to sexual sin.

Not every relationship can be salvaged, and perhaps restoration and freedom seem impossible to you now. But there is hope. God can use this book as a tool to restore your heart.

If you have felt lost and confused through this journey with your husband and his battle with sexual sin, you are not alone. A friend of mine has an extremely bright little boy named Carter. At the age of four, he and his mother were in a discussion about why Jesus came to die on a cross for us. Carter, recalling Christs last words, Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing (Luke 23:34), very confidently told his mom that Jesus died because, We dont know what we are doing down here. I dont think it has ever been said better. We dont know what we are doing down here. And when it comes to sex, that could not be more true.

Part of the problem for men can be traced back to 1953 when Hugh Hefner began saturating the world with his philosophy, which was articulated in his