Justin Sedgwick - Have You Heard the One About . . .: More Than 500 Side-Splitting Jokes!

Copyright 2017 by Hollan Publishing

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

Cover art used with permission from iStock.com.

Special thanks to joke contributor, Tyler Ross.

ISBN: 978-1-5107-2922-3

eISBN: 978-1-5107-2926-1

Printed in the United States

T ABLE OF C ONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

A n overweight, middle-aged shirtless man walks into a convenience store, which has a very clear No Pants, No Shoes, No Service sign displayed in its front window. It is impossible for the man not to see this sign when walking up to the store, but he still goes in anyway, breaking the stores firm policy, with the sight of his flabby, hairy, sun-burnt torso causing some shoppers to reconsider if theyre still hungry for those Cool Ranch Doritos and extra-sized Slim Jims.

Now consider this situation. The same overweight, middle-aged, shirtless man walks into a convenience store, with that same No Pants, No Shoes, No Service sign displayed clear as day in its front window. All the same shoppers are there and all the same Doritos and Slim Jims are on the shelves, but this time, the man actually has a tuxedo painted on his chest, with even a little red rose delicately created above his left nipple. This situation is much more humorous, while the former seems a bit more gross.

What makes a joke funny? Its a question that has plagued ancient philosophers and the great thinkers of our time. Countless hours and tireless research has been poured into the humor sciences, hoping to find the true answer of what actually makes a joke funny, if the answer even exists.

Sadly, we are no closer to understanding the true, intangible truth behind a joke. But what has always remained true is that humor is subjective and that it is a certain unexpectedness of a punch line that really gets us laughing. Bar jokes, blonde jokes, anti-jokes, pick-up lines, regional and international jokes, Dad jokes, all share a unique sense of unexpectedness. A clever play on words or an outcome that diverted from what you were originally anticipating is enough to get our funny bones dancing. Thats why people try to guess the answers to one-liners and are so pleased when theyre proven wrong.

Certain types of jokes may be funny to some but are not funny to all. Some jokes may be too inside baseball for others to understand: A joke that focuses on a very niche part of Judaic culture may not be appreciated or even understood by non-Jewish persons. Other jokes may be too offensive or tame for audiences: A more rebellious teenager may not laugh at a well-behaved kids joke, and a person from a conservative background might be appalled by a more risqu, sex-driven joke than someone from a more liberal-leaning background.

Regardless of your age, gender, hair color, religious upbringing, political affiliations, or paint tuxedo-wearing habits, there are jokes for you. The following collection of jokes contains some age-old classics, passed down through the decades as well as new ones inspired by recent events. Some are a bit more risqu and raunchy, others tame but timeless. Some are short one-liners, others are long-form stories with a funny twist. You may not find all of these jokes funny, and thats your right as a sense-of-humor-wielding citizen of this planet. But without question, there are plenty of jokes here that will make you laugh more than you expected.

A ___ WALKS INTO A BAR

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap three-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff. The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender: This is the cheapest three-year-old scotch you can buy. Im not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, six-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. This is only six-year-old scotch, he cries, I wont pay for this, and I insist on a good 12-year-old scotch. The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. An old drunk from the end of the bar, having witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, What do you think of this? The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling, Why, this tastes like piss! The old drunk replies, Thats right, now tell me how old I am!

T hree pregnant women are sitting in a bar: A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette says, I know what baby Im going to have. The other women ask how she knows. Well, I was on top when I conceived, so Ill have a baby boy. The redhead says, If your logic is correct, then Ill have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I conceived. The blonde starts starts screaming, PUPPIES, PUPPIES!

What is a mans idea of a balanced diet?

A Coors Light in each hand!

What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?

Olive or twist?

What did the bartender say after a book walked into the bar?

Please, no stories!

Why did God invent whiskey?

So the Irish would never rule the world!

What do Russians get when mixing holy water with Vodka?

The Holy Spirit!

You know whats fun about being sober?

Nothing

What did the man with a slab of asphalt under his arm order?

A beer, please, and one for the road.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?

Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!

Whats the difference between a G-Spot and a bottle of Jack Daniels?

A guy will actually SEARCH for a bottle of Jack Daniels.

How does a man show hes planning for the future?

He buys two cases of Miller Lite instead of one.

Why does Corona go through your system so fast?

Because it doesnt have to stop to change color.

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?

The sofa doesnt keep asking for Bud Light!

What is the similarity between Corona and having sex in a rowboat?

They are both SO close to water!

Where do monkeys go to grab a beer?

The monkey bars!

What does a wet beer fart leave in your shorts?

A Bengal stripe

What do a shot of Everclear and a woman have in common?

Both of them make men start talking nonsense!

What happens when you cross a gynecologist drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and sexy blonde drinking Smirnoff Vodka?