H.G. Tudor - Chained: The Narcissists Co-Dependent

CHAINED

THE NARCISSISTS CO-DEPENDENT

BY

H G TUDOR

All Rights Reserved

Copyright 2015

Chained

The Narcissists Co-Dependent

By

H G Tudor

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the express written permission of the publisher.

Published by Insight Books

Introduction

What is worse than having one narcissist in your life? No, this is not the beginning of a joke. How about having two narcissists in your life? Yes, that would be worse, but there is something that goes beyond that. Most victims of the narcissist never know that they have been targeted from the very beginning of their relationship with the narcissist. They have no comprehension of what is happening to them as they are subjected to the love bombing. The victims are bewildered, confused and distraught as they are subjected to manipulation, denigration and abuse. They often talk with family and friends as they catalogue the repeated terrible behaviour they have been put through as they seek to rationalise it, understand it and try to find a solution. The very lucky might, in the course of these discussions have somebody tell them,

You are in the grip of a narcissist.

Most will not understand what it is and will scratch their heads at the repeated shifts from wonderful treatment to awful treatment and back again. They will realise something is wrong, this behaviour just cannot be normal, but they will not be able to put their fingers on what it actually is, even less be able to do something about it. They will be mired in misery and try their hardest to fix an unfixable situation. Those people face a torrid time that will leave them exhausted and shattered. They remain entangled with the narcissist because at first they do not know what is happening to them. Later, they realise that the behaviour is wrong but make excuses for it and try to work out a way of resolving the problems.

More often than not, owing to the way that they have been manipulated, they will blame themselves and keep trying to do whatever they can to please the narcissist, even though this is ultimately impossible. Eventually they will have an epiphany, usually prompted by outside intervention. This is often from a professional when answers are sought to the repeated and puzzling behaviours. It may come from undertaking some research about abuse and being lead to the narcissists door through the many books, blogs and internet sites about the condition. Those victims find revelation and can then tackle what it is that has wrapped its tendrils around them. With support, their shattered self can look to escape the narcissists grip and rebuild his or her life.

All victims are willingly ensnared by the narcissist. They consent to the wonderful and joyful experience that arises from the love bombing. That consent however is provided on the basis of a fraud and is not a legitimate consent. The victims agree to hang in there during the turbulence of the relationship. This agreement comes from a sense of obligation, a sense of wanting to help or from a well-intentioned but ultimately misguided loyalty. It may be that children form the tie that binds and/or the overwhelming desire of the empath to help this person and not walk away from them causes them to remain. Although there is agreement to remain with the narcissist, this agreement arises from manipulation and it cannot be said that the agreement is given from a position of objectivity and free from dark influence. In these instances, the victims have free will. Yes, it is twisted and warped by the behaviour of the narcissist. That is how these victims become drawn into and remain in the nightmare for so long. Eventually though they will find an escape and exercise that free will once again to get away from their tormentor. For the fortunate ones it is a matter of months and for others it may take years, but that free will prevails. The after effects are felt for a long time, if not forever, but for those victims who still have the capacity for free will, then they have the opportunity, once they know what it is they are dealing with, to escape.

There is another class of victim however. This victim is also subject to the love bombing and the manipulation, but this victim not only chooses to remain with the narcissist as their free will is bent and twisted, they want to remain with the narcissist because they have no choice other than to do so. You may have felt a sense of obligation to remain with your narcissist but in the end you overcame this. Yes it was hard and it took a long time before you realised but you managed to exert your free will and detach yourself. There are those who do not have the luxury of such free will. These people must chain themselves to the likes of my kind and me. They are dependent on us and need us in order to exist. They know full well how hurtful it is and they are well aware of the damage that occurs but still they are conditioned and programmed to remain and need the narcissist.

What is worse than having one narcissist in your life? The answer is being co-dependent on that narcissist.

This publication is written from the perspective of the narcissist. We better than anybody else can explain how we operate and what it is that we do. The psychiatrists and the psychologists can point to studies and use the scientific terminology for describing my kind and me and the consequences of our machinations. That is all well and good and has its place in the scientific community where compartmentalising and labelling is required in order to further understanding.

I am not an expert qualified in my condition through a study of the condition and the application of jargon. I am an expert because of what I am. Who better to turn to in order to gain an understanding of the way we behave and act than the very instrument itself? If you want detailed and lengthy discussions about my kind and me then there are plenty of publications that cater for that. By contrast, if you want the real, visceral and undiluted nature of my kind and me, keep reading. You are unlikely to find it comfortable but you knew that already since you most likely have the tendrils of a narcissist around you or you have recently cast them off and you are engaging in the sensible step of increasing your knowledge in order to keep us at bay. Here you will find the no-nonsense views and explanations from a narcissist so you can make your own decisions. I have written before that I am a firm believer in self-determination and by reading this publication you are taking hold of your life and asserting yourself in order to determine where you end up.

I will provide you with my perspective in respect of the co-dependent who is drawn to the narcissist and then chained to him or her. To understand how this happens it will be necessary to understand what it is that a narcissist wants and how this is provided. We will then turn to the co-dependents role in this. How do they come to exist and why do they behave in the way that they do? I have had repeated experience of co-dependents. I grew up with one and she provided me with the greatest insight into the behaviour of a co-dependent. I have also been lucky enough to ensnare a couple and they have also formed the basis of my observations on this subject. There can never be any substitute for experience and here you have the dual advantage. I explain it from my perspective as a narcissist and I have engaged with co-dependents through this narcissism. You will not find a better source than this to assist your understanding of how and why this dynamic exists and moreover why it works.

You may be in the grip of a narcissist and have been drawn to read this as part of your ongoing education into my kind and me. Perhaps you fear you are co-dependent and wish to ascertain by reading what a narcissist has to write about the subject whether that is the case and is there anything you can do about it? Then again, you may recognise that someone you care about and love appears to suffer from a co-dependency to a narcissist. In any of those scenarios you will find much here to enlighten and provide insight. In order to provide you with my observations and insights about co-dependents, based especially on my experience with them, we will be discussing the following questions: -