Marti Benedetti - Finding Love After Loss: A Relationship Roadmap for Widows

A s journalists, we have always been drawn to peoples stories. We are so, so grateful for the widows who graciously and generously offered us theirs. We were touched and informed by their frankness as they shared intimate details of their lives with their partners, their wrenching journeys through grief, and their determination to return to the bigger world. Their stories made us laugh and cry. Sometimes they made us gasp with surprise. And always they inspired and energized us with the thoughtful and creative ways these women were directing the next chapters of their lives.

We are thankful to the many other people who helped us see widowhood dating through their lens. These included widowers and the people in relationships with widows and widowers. They broadened our understanding of how new romance can be forged after searing loss, as well as the joys and tribulations that mark this journey.

We also appreciate the wise words of Tulane University professor Marilyn Mendoza. At the same time, our insider view of the operations of luxury matchmaking services would not have been possible without Lisa Hutcherson, vice president of client relations at Selective Search.

We are grateful to have had Suzanne Staszak-Silva as our editor at Rowman & Littlefield and to benefit from the careful work of her team, including Hannah Fisher, Crystal Clifton, and Deni Remsberg. To our agent, Maryann Karinch, for believing in our idea, thank you.

Other writer friends provided wise guidance on the direction of our book and read early chapters, offering spot-on advice. We also benefited from their editing suggestions. We are also especially grateful to Jane Barton-Griffith, Cheryl Bratz, Delinda Karle, Sarah Kellogg, Judy Putnam, Cynthia Wilcox, Melanie Deeds, Amy Hennes, Judy Ruskin, Barbara Porter, and Lisa Zagaroli.

And, finally, many thanks to all the friends, family members, and widows who encouraged us as we worked on this project.

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And they do come out of it, thats true. After a year, after five. But they dont come out of it like a train coming out of a tunnel, bursting through the downs into sunshine and that swift, rattling descent to the Channel; they come out of it as a gull comes out of an oil-slick. They are tarred and feathered for life.

Author Julian Barnes on grief, in Flauberts Parrot

L ove is one of the most joyous things that anchors the human experience. Thats why its so hard to give up.

In the mosh pit of romance, people scramble to make connections. They touch, they slam, they sweat, they laugh. They plow through energy and pheromones as if both will replenish forever. Tucked among those teeming masses is a group that stands a little apart from the rest. They carry with them different experiences, expectations, and, yes, baggage, than their divorced and never-married counterparts.

They are the nations widows. As they realize they have years still to live, many are choosing not to live them alone. They rail against the idea of retreating into solitude or settling for platonic friendships. They want to be happy. They want companionship. They want intimacy.

In increasing numbers, they are boldly striking out in search of love again. Along the way, they are discovering just how different they are from everyone else in the dating arena.

Other people just dont get us, said Evie, whose husband died as the couple began an early retirement. Another widow told us that she feared she would look like a bleak figure to potential mates who ran across her profile on dating apps. Other widows said they were surprised to discover how problematic their return to romance proved for friends and families, including in-laws.