Editors of Portable Press - Dad Jokes Too: Punnier Than Ever

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Carroll Content Curation: Brian Boone, Josh Novey, J. Carroll Interior Design: Susan Engbring Cover Concept: Michael Sherman Cover: SunDried Penguin eBook ISBN: 978-1-64517-187-4 eBook Edition: May 2020 CONTENTS Q: What does a new dad who hates 9-to-5 jobs do? A: He goes out and gets a 9-to-5 job is what. I tried to write a novel, but it didnt work out. I guess I didnt have the write stuff. _______________ A set of jumper cables goes into a bar. Can I get a drink? the cables ask.

Okay, the bartender replies. But dont start anything. _______________ Q: Whats the definition of meeting? A: A wasted hour full of useless info that couldve been covered in an e-mail. _______________ Q: Why do dog trainers have long-lasting marriages? A: Because they know how to get someone to stay. _______________ Ive been to war. Ive raised twins.

If I had a choice, Id rather go to war. George W. Bush _______________ A man walks into a clothing shop and says, Hi, Id like to try on that slick suit in the store window. Sure, the clerk replies, but wouldnt you be more comfortable using a dressing room? _______________ Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest weakness? Applicant: Probably differentiating between reality and fantasy. Sometimes its hard to know whats really possible and whats just a pipe dream. Interviewer: Okay. _______________ Q: When do sailors stop playing cards? A: When their captain is on deck. _______________ What dads say: Sorry, cant talkIve got to leave for an early meeting. What dads mean: I dont want to have this awkward conversation right now. _______________ Q: Why cant you lie to X-ray technicians? A: Because they can see right through you. One day, a teacher sent the class troublemaker to the principals office. One day, a teacher sent the class troublemaker to the principals office.

Do you know why youre here? asked the principal. Hesitating, the kid asked, Because of this morning? Yes, the principal said sternly. Your teacher says you ran in the hall, hit two students, started a food fight in the cafeteria, and cursed at one of your classmates. Boy, thats a relief, the student said with a sigh. I thought you found out I broke your car windshield. _______________ Q: How do farmers keep track of their livestock? A: With a cowculator.

When the boss is out on vacation A man walked into a bar and ordered a fruit punch. The bartender said, If you want a fruit punch, youll have to stand in line. The man looked around, but there was no punchline. _______________ Knock-knock! Whos there? Cain. Cain who? Cain you have management decide what they want before you have me run in circles redoing work multiple times only to decide it was fine the way it was and you dont need my services after all? _______________ An artist friend of mine asked me how I liked his self-portrait. I told him that it was good, except the eyebrows were too low and too close together.

He seemed angry! _______________ Did you hear about the butcher who got behind in his work? Poor guy slipped, fell, and got his rear end stuck in the meat grinder. _______________ Boss: Where do you see yourself in five years? Employee: Im just trying to make it to Friday, man. _______________ Q: How do you keep your newspaper from flying away in the wind? A: Use a news anchor. _______________ A man was lying in the street, unconscious and bleeding. A psychologist who happened to be passing by rushed up to him and exclaimed, My God! Whoever did this really needs help! _______________ _______________ Q: Whats a good name for a mountain climber? A: Cliff. _______________ Knock-knock! Whos there? Kent.

Kent who? Kent you tell who this is? _______________ Son: Dad, what do you do for a living? Dad: Son, Im not entirely sure. _______________ Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got six months. _______________ Imagine how much worse meetings were back before you could pretend to take notes on your phone while you were really just messing around on Twitter. Q: Why did the urologist lose his license? A: He got in trouble with his peers. _______________ Did you hear about the cowboy with dietary restrictions? He was rootin tootin free of gluten. _______________ A police officer caught two kids playing with a car battery and a firework. _______________ A police officer caught two kids playing with a car battery and a firework.

He charged one and let the other one go. _______________ Guy: What does your wife do for a living? Friend: Well, its difficult to say. Guy: What do you mean? Friend: Shelly sells seashells. By the seashore. _______________ Two guys are working on an assembly line. The first guy says, I bet I can make the boss give me the day off.