Kate Kray - Little Book of Hard Bastard Jokes. Laugh or Else!

All the men in Hard Bastards and Hard Bastards 2 come from a dangerous and shadowy world where life is cheap and violence is commonplace. Punchings and stabbings, knifes and shooters have long been part of their everyday existence. A lot of them still train at the gym and they always will being fit, hard and keen is all thats between them and a trip to casualty or the city morgue. For many of them, when its six oclock, its time for their sharp strides. They shine their shoes, put on a crisp white shirt and adjust their dickie-bow, ready for whatever the night is going to throw at them. Ive rubbed shoulders, interviewed and talked at length with literally thousands of hard bastards, gangsters, yardies, triads, terrorists, gypsies, hells angels you name em , Ive interviewed em.

But is there a common link between them? A thread that crosses every boundary, despite colour, creed or belief? Its true that most have committed gross acts of violence, even murder. Nearly all have spent long spells in prison. Is it something in their childhood that sent them down the rocky road? Poverty? Abuse? Unhinged minds? Or are they just crazy mixed up motherfuckers? Its hard to say, and each has a different story to tell. Then it dawned on me that there was one thing that linked them all just one.

Humour.

I dont mean that they would stab you and laugh while you bleed, (or perhaps they would!). But humour, laughter, a nudge and a grin all of them, every single one, liked to tell a gag or two. Each man I interviewed, I asked them to tell me a joke. Instantly their faces changed. Gone was the fierce look and unblinking eyes, gone was the snarl and the spitting and cursing. Their craggy faces would lighten up. Broad gold-toothed smiles beamed at me ere, do you know that one about knock knock An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman

After they delivered the punchline, all would crease up, howling with laughter. They would look around the room, expecting everyone to find the joke as funny as they did. Some would titter a nervous titter, some would laugh out of fear of losing their bollocks. All in all, everyone laughed. Here is a collection of those jokes.

Kate Kray.

NAME: Roy Shaw

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DATE OF BIRTH: Youre as old as the woman you feel!

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STAR SIGN: Pisces

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OCCUPATION: Whatever he wants!

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DID YOU HEAR about the two convicts in America who were about to be executed? The warden says to the first one, Do you have a last request? The convict says, Yes, Id like to hear the song Achy Breaky Heart one last time.The Warden says, OK, I think we can arrange that. Then he says to the second convict, How about you? The second convict says, Yeah, kill me first.

NAME: Vic Dark

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DATE OF BIRTH: 12 April 1957

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STAR SIGN: Aries

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OCCUPATION: Ex-armed robber

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THERES A NEW PRODUCT on the market Viagra eye drops. They dont do anything, just make you look hard.

NAME: Joey Pyle

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DATE OF BIRTH: 2 November 1937

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STAR SIGN: Scorpio

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OCCUPATION: Businessman

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A MAFIA GODFATHER, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me? The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me? The attorney interrupts, Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.The Godfather says, Well ask him where my damn money is! The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, I dont know what you are talking about.The attorney interprets to the Godfather, He doesnt know what you are talking about. The Godfather pulls out a .9 mm pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, Ask him again where my damn money is! The attorney signs to the accountant, He wants to know where it is! The accountant signs back, OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard! The Godfather says, Well what did he say? The attorney interprets to the Godfather, He says go to hell that you dont have the guts to pull the trigger.

NAME: Freddie Foreman

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DATE OF BIRTH: 5 March 1932

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STAR SIGN: Pisces

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OCCUPATION: Managing Director of British Crime

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After checking the licence of the driver hed stopped, the police officer comments. It says here youre supposed to be wearing glasses. But Officer, said the driver, Ive got contacts. I dont care who you know, snaps the officer. Youre breaking the law.

NAME: Kevin Houston naughty but nice

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DATE OF BIRTH: 8 May 1951

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STAR SIGN: Taurus

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OCCUPATION: Boxing Promoter; Tattoo Artist; Entrepreneur

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THERES THIS PRIEST, and hes having a wank at the back of the Vatican, and he hears a click and theres a tourist who is taking a picture of him. So he says, Oh, you have a camera, and the tourist says, Yes, I take picture of you. The priest says, How much do you want for camera? He says, A thousand dollars. The priest says, OK, I give you a thousand dollars for camera. So he gives him the thousand dollars and gets the fucking camera from him and walks round the corner and sees the Monsignor. The Monsignor says, How much you pay for the camera? The priest says, I pay a thousand dollars for camera. The Monsignor says, He must have seen you coming!

NAME: Bill Its not over till its over

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DATE OF BIRTH: 15 December 1961

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STAR SIGN: Sagittarius

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OCCUPATION: Personal security for the stars

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WHAT DO YOU call an Indian Lesbian?

Mingeater.

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?

He decided to stick it out for one more year.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

What are you shaking for? Shes going to eat me!

NAME: Charlie Bronson