Julian Walker - The Book of Cringe--A Collection of Reasonably Clean but Silly Schoolboy Jokes

To godchildren, nephews and nieces everywhere, especially: Amelia, Annie, Archie, Emma, Ella-Blue, Finnbhar, Fred, Harry, James (D), James (G), Jess (B-G), Jess (H), Lucie, Millie, Olivia, Peter, Rebecca, Robin, Sebastian, Tom and Will. And in memory of Tim, whose infectious laughter will always ring long and loud in our memories. The Cape Crusaders In 1987, seven people embarked on a three month charity expedition to drive an old red Dennis fire engine from the northern tip of Europe to the southernmost point of Africa. After almost five months, 37,000km, 21 countries, and a journey through rainforest, bush veldt, deserts and urban developments, the author was one of five who completed their odyssey. The Cape Crusaders is his engaging account of the at times hazardous trip, including being mugged, arrested, having two near fatal accidents and a severe case of cerebral malaria. A must for any armchair adventure traveller.

What people have said about The Cape Crusaders: Heart-warming and laugh-out loud adventure story. Inspirational, insightful - and fun. Exquisitely English humour along a fascinating
transcontinental adventure. Inspiring and real. Great adventurous read. www.thecapecrusaders.com Over the years, my ability to remember and spout silly jokes has often lightened the mood and assisted with many a speechwriting session. www.thecapecrusaders.com Over the years, my ability to remember and spout silly jokes has often lightened the mood and assisted with many a speechwriting session.

It has certainly provided opportunities in my many and varied travels around the globe and triggered countless requests for me to write them down possibly as a ruse to shut me up. Being of literal mind (and shrinking pc storage space) I have finally done just that. Some of these I feel do need the punch line spelled out and some dont, however, the vast majority of them remain what they are, corny jokes, handed down from generation to generation. Huge thanks to everyone who has patiently (or impatiently) listened to any of these in the past and to Mark Gracey and the team at HotCake Marketing in Windsor for their cover artwork. And so, taking absolutely no responsibility for the entertaining nature of this material (and without intentionally breaching any copyright to which these bon mots may be attributable), here is my treasured collection of clean, yet cringe-worthy jokes, puns, poems, batty books and other oddities which make up The Book of Cringe. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

How does the sea shore stay so clean? Beachcombing. What do you call a sad raspberry? A blueberry. How did Moses manage to read at night? He had the Israelites. A man with Dyslexia man walks into a bra. When youve seen one shopping centre, youve seen a mall. Chemistry teacher: What is irony? Student: Irony is when something has the chemical symbol Fe.

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? One. They dont like to share the spotlight. What is the difference between The Rolling Stones and a Scottish shepherd? One sings Hey you get off my cloud and the other sings Hey, McLeod, get off my ewe. Doctor, Doctor, I keep singing Tom Jones songs. Its not unusual. Confucius say wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.

Knock! Knock! Whos there? Waiter. Waiter who? Water minute while I do up my shoelace. A woman walks into a pub and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one A man walks into a pub with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: A pint please and one for the road. A three-legged dog goes into a saloon in the Old West, drags himself up to the bar and says: Im looking for the man who shot my paw. I wish I had been born 1000 years ago.

Why? Just think of all the history that I wouldnt have to learn. What do you call a baby whale? A little squirt. Did you hear about the man who was scared of a fat men in red, with long white beards? He had Clause-trophobia. I say, I say, I say. My wife and I just went to Holland. Utrecht? No.

We went by air. Did you hear about the Dutch girl with inflatable shoes? Shes popped her clogs. Roses are red, Violets are blue, They both smell quite nice, Unlike you. Why did Beethoven sell his chickens? They kept saying Bach, Bach. What do you get if you cross a stegosaurus with a firework? Dino-mite. How do you make a Swiss role? Push him down a hill.

How to you make a French wine? Steal his onions. How do you make a venetian blind? Poke him in the eyes. What do you call a man in Prague who is thrown out of a night club? A bounced Czech. Knock! Knock! Whos there? Theodore. Theodore who? Theodore is stuck and I cant open it. Which King invented the fireplace? Alfred the Grate.

Why cant athletes listen to music? Because they always want to break the record. Do you have a four volt, two watt lamp? For what? No... two. Two what? Yes. No. A backward poet writes inverse.

Why do lifeboats have soap and flannels in them? To help shipwreck survivors wash themselves ashore What do you call an elf with a skin disease? A leper-chaun. Why couldnt the life guard save the hippie? He was too far out, man. Waiter! Waiter! Your tie is in my soup! Thats all right, sir, its not silk. How did Julius Caesar know the weather was bad outside? Because one of his soldiers came into his tent and said Hail, Caesar. Six of the best from Star Trek 1. How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three.

A left ear, a right ear and a final front ear. 2. If Mr Spock has pointed ears, what kind of ears does Scotty have? Engineers. 3. Why couldnt the Vulcan see? He had dirty spocktacles. 4.

What did Spock find in Kirks lavatory? The captains log. 5. Captain Kirk: Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. 6. What is the similarity between loo paper and the Starship Enterprise? They both travel round Uranus.

Knock! Knock! Whos there? Ulaanbaatar. Ulaanbaatar who? I knew that wasnt going to make a good punchline. What do you call a broken can opener? A cant opener. What is red and doesnt exist? No tomatoes. How does an octopus go into battle? Well-armed. What type of music are balloons scared of? Pop music.

Why should you learn sign language? Its very handy. Confucius say man who live in glass house should change in basement. What underwear does a mermaid use? An alge-bra. What do you call an Elf walking backwards? A fle. What do dwarves and midgets have in common? Little. Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.

Pull yourself together. Did you hear about the librarian crushed by a load of books? He only had his shelf to blame. How does a lion like his meat? Roar. What did one chimney say to the other chimney? Youre too young to smoke.

1960s fashion by Minnie Skirt A day at the beach by C Side Babys revenge by Nora Titsov Bad haircuts by Shaun Head Bathroom disaster by Ivor Leak Beginners cookery lesson by Egon Chips Bell ringing by Paul Rope Blood suckers (part I) by Amos Quito Blood suckers (part II) by Anne Othamosquito Blood suckers (part III) by Andy Nuthamosquito Blood suckers (part IV) by Stella Nuthamosquito Blowing up buildings by D Molition Boasting by Ivor Biggun Brainless by M T Head Breakfast recipes by Egon Toast Breezes by Wynn D Weather Brown specs on the wall by Hu Flung Dung Cannibals by Henrietta Mann Caring for parrots by L O Polly Cliff Tragedy by Eileen Dover Defrosting cattle by Thora Herd Dentistry for beginners by Phil McAvity Diets for dogs by Nora Bone End of term by C Myra Port How many road side workers does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to do it and four to lean on their spades and watch On how many chimneys does Father Christmas need to practise before Christmas Eve? Stacks.Next page