Editors of Portable Press - Dad Jokes: The Punniest Joke Book Ever

Q: What do you call a person who is happy on a Monday? A: Retired! I used to work at a calendar factory, but I got fired for taking a couple days off. Q: What does Dr. Jekyll do first thing every morning? A: He wakes up. There was a robbery at the Apple Store today.
They caught the guy because they had an iWitness. Sergeant! Sergeant! The troops are revolting!
Well, youre no prize pig yourself. Rusty shows up late for work. Rusty shows up late for work.

The boss approaches him as he walks in. You shouldve been here at 8:30! he yells. Rusty looks surprised. Why? What happened at 8:30? Did you know that name-dropping at work is the worst thing you can do? My coworker Robert De Niro told me that. Knock-knock!
Whos there?
Highway cop.
Highway cop who?
Highway cop in the morning and
have a cup of coffee. Q: How is Christmas like another day at the office? A: Because you do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit! A lady was expecting the plumber at ten oclock. Q: How is Christmas like another day at the office? A: Because you do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit! A lady was expecting the plumber at ten oclock.

Ten oclock came and went; no plumber. Eleven oclock, twelve oclock, even one oclock rolled around, still no plumber. She concluded he wasnt coming, and left to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber knocked on the door. Her parrot, which was in a cage by the door, said, Who is it? Its the plumber. He thought it was the lady who had said, Who is it? and waited for her to let him in.

When this didnt happen, he knocked again, and again the parrot said, Who is it? Its the plumber! Still no one answered the door. He pounded on the door, and the parrot repeated, Who is it? Its the plumber! he said, irritated. Again, he waited; again, she didnt come; again, he pounded; again, the parrot said, Who is it? AHHHH! he said, flying into a rage. He kicked the door in. He suffered a heart attack and fell dead in the doorway. The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway.

A dead body! she exclaimed. Who is it? Its the plumber! the parrot answered. Q: Why do barbers make good drivers? A: They know all the shortcuts. At a meeting, the corporate manager told a joke. Everyone on the team laughed except for one guy. Didnt you understand my joke? the manager asked him.

Oh, I understood it, but I resigned yesterday. Q: Why couldnt the lifeguard save the hippie? A: He was too far out, man. Want to hear a construction joke?
Im still working on it. An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb? Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again. Quarrier: Thats a big rock! Foreman: Boulder. Quarrier: WOW, WOW, WOW! YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT THAT ENORMOUS ROCK OVER THERE! I went to the bank and asked the teller to check my balance. Quarrier: WOW, WOW, WOW! YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT THAT ENORMOUS ROCK OVER THERE! I went to the bank and asked the teller to check my balance.

She shoved me, but I didnt fall down. Q: How did the farmer mend the holes in his jeans? A: With cabbage patches. I call my toilet the jim instead of the john.
That way I can tell people that I go to the jim first thing every morning. Newscaster: Why did you relocate across the country? Weatherman: Because the weather didnt agree with me. Q: Whats the difference between a teacher and a train? A: A teacher says Spit out your gum, and the train says Choo choo choo! Every morning I plan on making pancakes, but I keep waffling. Q: Why does a queen carry a scepter? A: Because everyone works cept her! Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse.

The union denied that workers were flagrantly abusing their contracts sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the companys chief negotiator held up the newspaper. This man, he announced, called in sick yesterday! There on the sports page was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. Incredible, he said. Just think of what score he couldve had if he hadnt been sick! A magician was driving down the street.
Then he turned into a driveway.

I dont mind going to work every dayits the sitting around for eight hours waiting to go home I cant stand. Q: Why was the mouse scared of becoming a doctor? A: He knew hed have to take the MCAT. A guy goes into a butcher shop and bets the butcher $50 that he couldnt reach the meat on the top shelf. No way, said the butcher. The steaks are too high. A police officer jumps into his squad car and radios the station.

I have an interesting case here, he says. A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped. Have you arrested her? asks the sergeant. No, not yet. The floors still wet. Q: What did the tree do when the bank was closed? A: It started its own branch.